Alan Tacca
27 July 2003
column
Kampala — Poor Ms Ruth Nankabirwa. Uganda's junior minister for Defence, who nowadays seems to be condemned to do most of the talking on behalf of the ministry when it is not exactly shining, must be wondering how we ordinary clowns thrive on not being taken seriously.
A few weeks back, when Joseph Kony's LRA rebels were simultaneously hitting several targets in Acholi and Lango and spreading terror beyond their traditional killing fields in northern Uganda to the eastern region, the enterprising lady told parliamentarians the sort of things which would normally mean that Joseph Kony and his bandits were as good as finished.
Openly, contemptuously, the MPs refused to buy this as serious stuff. The President and Commander-in-Chief, Lt. Gen. Y. Kaguta Museveni, who had camped in Gulu for several months on a self-appointed mission to finish Kony, but had already found "political" excuses to quietly return to Kampala with the enemy unvanquished, must have been marvelling at how many roses could grow between a minister's teeth.
Now the lady, herself believed to be a former rebel (not under Kony please, but under Museveni), has managed to get people to suspend the tragic aspect of the war and see it at the level of comedy.
Thanks to her imaginative range in military science, it is now almost official: Joseph Kony is a cult leader. And Nankabirwa's insinuation that it might not be entirely outlandish if witchdoctors were enlisted to scatter the power of his charms and evil spirits has already produced results.
The witchdoctors have promptly seized the opportunity, visualising and promising to raise an army of killer bees and an array of their own counter charms.
You would think that the minister must be getting applauded for going the extra mile, for trying everything, swallowing the pride of a warrior regime down her own throat and opening up the anti-Kony industry to other heroes.
No sir; no madam. For her trouble, the minister is being ridiculed for dragging the regime and the country back into the Dark Ages.
With Idi Amin (a primitive dictator) dying in slow motion, it is not inspiring that one of (modernizer) Museveni's ministers is even hinting at dabbling in shamanistic intervention to end wars in a brand new millennium.
But this may be unfair and even blinkered.
Rather, Ugandans of goodwill should be asking Nankabirwa to extend the scope of her idea by seeking the services of Pope John Paul II.
There is already a well-established saying in Uganda suggesting that an appeal to the Pope (by phone!) is the very last straw of hope for anyone pursuing seemingly impossible goals. And one little coincidence should have put the minister on cue.
In the same week that Nankabirwa was agonising over the northern war, reports were coming in that the widely travelled Pope desperately wanted to crown his record with a visit to Russia, but that this would probably not be allowed.
There is of course a long-standing feud between the leadership of the Russian Orthodox Church and the Vatican. Each of them thinks it is on the correct doctrinal path, and the other not.
To make matters worse, Russian Church officials believe that the Vatican wants to steal Orthodox believers and turn them into Roman Catholics.
The Pope insists that he is not a soul thief. All he wants is pay a pastoral visit to his Roman Catholic flock in Russia. Nothing more.
Many Russians won't hear of it. They point to the Icon of Kazan as evidence of the Vatican's bad faith. The Russians, who say that the icon properly belongs to them, accuse the Vatican of acquiring it illegally; although some believe that what the Vatican parades is only a copy.
However, genuine or fake, the fetish is supposed to be imbued with immense power. There are people who swear that they were spiritually transformed in its presence.
This is where our embattled minister of State for Defence should jump in. You cannot say the Vatican is a primitive institution. Globalisation should not stop at spreading Western junk music and market economics.
In the icon is free juju. What is required is the unification of the spiritual world.
Pope John Paul II has already expressed his anguish at the suffering of our people in the north. Moreover, Joseph Kony is a Catholic, making a Vatican intervention even more apt. Nankabirwa should now appeal to the Pope to invoke the juju in the Icon of Kazan to transform the rebel leader's heart.
Who knows, combined with our local men's charms and that army of bees, Kony may finally be subdued and taught that President Museveni (his own words a few years back) is next to God.
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