Santa Claus is around doling out Christmas presents. We at Monitor would not want to kill the festive spirit. We are giving out awards to men and women who did their job in a way that either left the public impressed, kicking themselves in frustration or guffawing. For this public service, we give deserving candidates very special awards.

Joker of the year - Themba Joina

There is no competition here. MELS leader and presidential aspirant, Themba Joina is the new Charlie Chaplin of Botswana politics. At each election that the lawyer-cum-politician has contested, he has not gained more than 50 votes. This means his presidential ambitions remain the biggest mirage in Botswana politics. Joina and his side-kicks, otherwise known as his supporters, win the Monitor's free air ticket to Hollywood where they will start a low budget movie entitled - The Enjoying President.

Masa a sele Award - Boyce Sebetela

In 2004, Palapye MP and former cabinet minister, Boyce Sebetela beat all challengers to the award. Not many people have courted controversy like 'The Boyce'. The Boyce has had running battles with the media. He has been accused of everything from interference and trying to turn Btv into BDPtv. But the Boyce has been stripped off his ministerial wings and he is just like a boy without his candy. But Boyce will be Boyce. Even after his departure from cabinet, people still talk of his deeds. The Boyce gets the most controversial personality of the year award.

We have Summoned Laone Segaetsho to bestow the award. Methaetsile leepile of Dikgang Publishing will deliver the keynote speech at the award ceremony

Losers of the year - Ngoma, Seretse, Gil Saleshando, Tshipinare and Kgoadi

There have been too many losers from the last elections. But there were others who made losing an art. The requirement in this award competition is that there should be one winner in each category but the judges had a tough time here. The competition was stiff.

"All the candidates gave quality performance and they all deserve the prize," was a note from our judges.

We have no choice but to jointly award the coveted prize to Peter Ngoma, Tebelelo Seretse, Gilson Saleshando, Michael Tshipinare and Patrick Kgoadi. The prize includes some tranquillizers and brandy to calm the nerves and a year's free counselling and a post-election massage at the Monitor's elections trauma centre.

We have given up on our judges who seem unable to make their minds on a single winner. We begrudgingly bestow this award on Vee, Botswana's rising music star, who has turned himself into a BDP political rally prop.

The judges tell us that the BCP's Dumelang Saleshando deserves this award as he helped his party from being a parliamentary has-been to at least maintain the 'one MP at a time tradition'.

Paul Rantao and Isaac Mabiletsa are the other claimants to the award for their political flip-flopping which paid dividends in the end. After staying for a full five years without a job at the BCP, the two former MPs decided to do a Letlhale le a tsamaya on the BCP. They went to the BNF and won parliamentary seats that eluded them while at the BCP.

Skwatta Kamp Award - Khama, Pheto, Merafhe, Mokaila, Ndelu

This country is well known for its tshele and the Pull Him Down syndrome. But we are different. We want to give praise where it is due. Botswana is coming of age, we can compete with other countries such as Nigeria. The Nigerians used to have their military juntas. But we are learning fast and we can produce our own. We can even out-compete them at their own game. We now have a Skwatta Kamp that would rival the Nigerian model. We do not care what you think but we think it is quite something to have bo-sekwata in parliament. Come on guys, it is so nice to the ear... Lieutenant-General, Major General, Captain...

The prize is a free ticket to a concert featuring Jeff Matheatau of Skwata fame and South African R&B band Skwatta Kamp. A 21-gun salute to our Skwatta is also in order.

Mapentane (The master painter) of the year award - Linah Mohohlo

Without doubt this one goes to none other than the Bank of Botswana Governor, Linah Mohohlo. It is not for her artistry in applying facial make-up or any talents in putting up the different strokes of the Dulux paint. Our lady takes the cake for the dyed money that was the agony of many of our people. Many people who were stuck with the painted money were shell-shocked by the "No! we cannot accept it," stance of the Governor.

Hot potato of the year Award - Duma Boko

There have been very few who impressed, annoyed and got people talking like our cousin Duma Boko, who unfortunately is a lawyer. You all know the low public trust in lawyers. The last time we checked, journalists had a better rating ahead of the learned men and women who seem to have an insatiable appetite for money and luxury even when it is not theirs.

This Boko fellow has annoyed very powerful offices in the land. He annoyed judges, religious leaders, traditionalists, politicians and even sane mortals like you and us. This loose cannon gets our prize for his lack of tact and lack of diplomacy when stirring a hornet's nest and for being a rebel without a cause.

Moswa-A-Rula Award - Ndelu

Even without the assistance of the jaws of life, Dikgakgamatso Ramadeluka Ndelu Seretse is a political mystery. He rose from the jaws of bulela ditswe defeat to cabinet. Ramadeluka was of course beaten in the 'original' BDP primaries but he went on to trounce Kgotla Autlwetse in the controversial re-run ordered by the party Central Committee and of course chaired by his all powerful cousin. He has more luck than the proverbial cat with nine lives. Part of the prize would be a regular visit to the Khama cemetery, where he should make offerings to the Khama ancestors for ensuring that they keep watch on him and pray that the relationship between him and his guardian cousin blossoms.

Ba ga Mangwato ba ga Mabiletsa Award - Cabinet

It was George Swabi who sang these lyrics in his chart busting folk song. Today Swabi is chilling in Palapye and he might sing the same song at the opening of the second university in either Palapye or Serowe or both.

The second university would have been lost to a small copper mining town in Gammangwato if we had listened to some excitable technocrat, who obviously knew very little about Swabi's song. But thank God, we have men and women of substance in our cabinet.

The thing about Selebi-Phikwe is not only about its pollution but it is far, far from places like Serowe and Palapye. By the way who is the chief of Selebi-Phikwe? It could be a Saleshando or a Moupo. Just imagine!

We do not know why these Phikwe people are ranting about the second university because the bottom line is that the institution would be built in Gammangwato.

Cabinet gets the award but on behalf of the Gammangwato residents, including Selebi-Phikwe. The award will be given to paramount chief Seretse Khama Ian Khama to keep on behalf of his people.

The Much Ado About Nothing Award - Lesetedi Commission

When it was instituted, the Lesetedi Commission held a lot of promise for all those who have always contended that there was widespread corruption and maladministration in land allocations. The commission proved just that. We expected that heads would roll. No heads rolled,instead heads rocked in laughter. Land grabbing continues and the commission's report has been turned into magwinya wrapping paper at many illegal construction sites that are mushrooming in the country.

Borokgwe jwa Christmas award - Mfa and Gupta

This goes to Assistant Minister Oliphant Mfa and Anil Gupta in their bribery case. Over Christmas, we request the Commissioner of Prisons to allow Gupta to put on the suit he gave to Mfa. We have asked one of the prisoners to make the Minister a nice fitting suit.

The Most patient woman of the year- Nomsa Mbere

Who else embodies this virtue than the prospective Bangwato first lady, Nomsa Mbere. Do we somebody mumbling some break-up gibberish and the other child (read childish) stuff?

After reports that the Mbere bevy has stolen the heart of our number 2 Romeo we all expected a wedding of the century but we are still waiting. We do not whether has the same patience we are still hoping.

The Best Capitalists of the year - the Japanese fong kong.

The laws of luxury driving have been rewritten. You no longer have to be BDP or some fat-cat to drive some fuel guzzling SUV. We children of a lesser god have almost given up seating behind the wheels of Pajero, Prado, X-5, Santa Fe, Discovery and the likes.

Enter the Japanese with the real and genuine Japanese models and driving is as affordable as ever.Not even the insidious labels of Fonkong seem to deter thousands of Batswana as they cross the border to buy luxury that was once made to be the preserve of the rich and the famous. If this is globalisation, then we poor people love it. Long live Japanese luxury otherwise christened fongkongs by gullible consumerist drivers of the expensive and suspect models assembled in some country far away from the expert knowledge of the Japanese.

Long live Japanese fongkongs. We urge government to buy these fongkongs for our ministers and Permanent Secretaries just to have the comforting feel of real poise and elegance.

We urge the compassionate Japanese to donate these fongkongs to the opposition so that they can match the BDP in the elections. We particularly beg the Japanese to donate one vehicle to the poor people's MP- one Robert Molefhabangwe.

Best Fight of the year - Ian Khama vs Seepapitso

The boxing Association has been eyeing this award but eat your hearts out folks, it is taken. Not even Drake could convince us to give it to you. This one goes to the mouth-watering duel between the two chiefs Khama and Seepapitso. Even before his bags were unpacked the Bangwaketse authority made it known that he was back in the kraal. In the kraal, all the animals are equal including 'poo e tshetlha.'

Seepapitso told the Vice President was lording over other chiefs forgetting that he was just a chief like any other. We give this round to Seepapitso. We await the next round, that is if Khama would take up the challenge. Otherwise we will declare Seps the ultimate winner through a technical knock-out.

The Inconspicuos giant of the year - Robert Masitara

Okay, okay this year's cabinet was a surprise but somebody kept telling everybody that Robert, not Molefhabangwe but the Masitara fellow would walk into cabinet. He did not and this hurt us bad. In fact, we have heard very little about Masitara this year except the seemingly stolen towels. Donations must have dropped a bit and our man is busy teaching at UB.