IRANIANS, Iranians. That's all we got from Dead BC for much of last week. Iranians.

You had Iranians taking 20 minutes of Snooze Hour on Monday, then you had an hour long Iranian documentary later that night.

Tuesday, the Iranians still owned the news. We followed Mohammed Khatami's visits everywhere: "The Iranian leader was led through the Victoria Falls rainforest by Foreign Affairs Minister Stan Mudenge. He was very pleased". Later that night, we had an Iranian movie (yeah, they do make movies in Iran).

Then came Wednesday. Ten "memorandums" of understanding had been signed, we were told. Quite intriguing to hear the Iranian ambassador to Zimbabwe remarking: "Implementation is more important than signing". Clearly, our reputation as empty talkers has spread around the world.

Then we had the usual man-on-the-street "surveys", with one woman telling us: "Upfumi hwedu hurikubatsirwa nevanhu ivava" (these people are building our economy).

If you can find anything the Iranians have brought us - except of course the "state of the art equipment" at Dead BC - $17 in prize money awaits you. With the rate at which our economic turnaround is going, you will be able to buy a boat with that by Christmas.

This whole Iranian charade shows how many dummies we have around.

While we crow about our friendship with Iran being a rebuff to the West, Khatami himself is a reformist leader taking his country into the modern age. Ignore Bush's accusations about secret nuclear programmes - what's wrong with a nuke or two anyway - Khatami's economy is on the up.

As for us, according to Judith Makwanya, we are "known around the world as a fast maturing democracy striving to make Zimbabwe the best place for its people." Hey Jude, only when you are sleeping.

IF "new state of the art multi-million Euro equipment" has indeed been installed at Pockets Hill, I'll take Zhing Zhong anytime.

"We apologise for bringing you the wrong clip. That, in fact, was a story on seven germinating bean seeds in Madhlambuzi. We now return you to the earlier story where residents of Tsholotsho have called for a Forgive-Us-Please gala to cleanse the area of evil. No, in fact we bring you a story in which war veterans say Zimbabwe is prepared for any tsunami".

Then there is that long, empty stare. Here, the newsreader is saying; "What the hell's going on back there? They are making me look silly here. Is my make-up OK?" Then the stare breaks. "We'll be back after this break." NTV, coming soon.

TALKING about lazy people, the party nomination for laziness must go to the producers of Rockers Vibes, a favourite show of yours truly. How does any self-respecting producer, and one who has even the slightest regard for his audience, manage to run off the same videos each and every week.

Reggae lovers have a raw deal as it is already. Terrence Mapurisana talks too much on his Sunday "Reggae Talk" programme on Sfm. James "Bhabhi" Manyau talks even longer and louder on Radio Zimbabwe.

Do these guys know what we have to go through to catch Rockers Vibes? Reggae fans have to worry about their ulcers through Saturday's Snooze Hour before wading through Mai Chisamba. "Ipfungwa dzakewo" (that's what he thinks), she keeps saying - a polite way to say: "Do you even have a brain".

(And will somebody please get some of those people jobs. They have become Mai Chisamba's permanent audience. Stop giving those people free food Chisamba.)

Then the reggae fan has to go through the worst type of television viewing there is - the African (meaning Nigerian) movies.

"Motha, I told this woman long time ehgo I no want har in my house no more", the dude declares. Mother pleads: "But why Yakubu, she be a good girl now?" Meanwhile, the wife's wailing is about to split your TV speakers. "No motha I make up my mind now, this woman, she be a bahd witch. Very bahd witch." Motha exclaims, hands over the head: "Aah Azuka! You waan kill my son now. You wicked witch!"

After enduring all this, you give us last week's, and the previous week's menu. Have a heart, will you. Fire 'pon you!

SO Patrick Chinamasa says "transparent, I mean translucent" ballot boxes will make vote rigging harder. Big change. Whereas they used to stuff wooden boxes with ballots before voting began, with the new "transparent, I mean translucent" boxes, now they will have to stuff ballots AFTER the voting. A major advancement in our electoral system.

EVEN this Silver Jubilee orgy has its good moments. A pat on the back for Spencer Banda for his refreshing documentary last Saturday on Proud Chinembiri, better known as Kilimanjaro.

"Kili", as he was called then, held the African heavyweight boxing title for a record seven years. He could have taken on the world had he not been cheated in England when judges claimed he had lost on points to a Pom he had clobbered all night. Shows you why we will never forgive these maBritish. Spencer dug out Kili's major fights and - for once - actually interviewed people who matter. Good on you, Spencer.

SO "the visit of the Iranian leader presents exciting business opportunities for Zimbabwean businesspeople"? Good. My big brother Stewart, who has been away trying to convince the Iranians to buy his live pigs, is back next Sunday.