Cathy Ochung'
26 April 2007
Nairobi — While most women would find joy in motherhood, others have chosen not to have children at all.
Every African woman wants a child of her own, right? Wrong. There are some women who do not want children at all, while others will shrug and say "if they come Its ok if they don't that is ok too".
Despite the fact that their numbers are growing, you will be hard pressed to find an African woman who will openly admit that she is not interested in having children. Many of them have learnt the hard way that this choice is not welcome in our society.
"When I say I do not want children, people's first reaction is, "but you are a teacher"," says Ruth*, 35, a kindergarten teacher.
Sarah*, 30, an event manager, has heard all sorts of things from, 'It is not African to questions about her fertility status any time she declares her intention not to have children'.
While Natuzzi*,23, an IT technician, has been insulted and subjected to intense questioning and counselling from 'concerned' parties. She has also been warned that holding such a view will result in her not finding a husband. If she is lucky to find a husband, the doomsayers continue he will find another wife to have children with.
Tried and found guilty
Such women are tried and found guilty without being given a chance to explain why they would rather not have children. Why does society label them 'child haters'?
Ruth says it is not true that women who do not want children hate them.
"I am a kindergarten teacher I have been working with children for ten years and I love spending time with my nieces and nephews. I have made a choice not to have children and should be allowed to exercise that right without being judged."
Sarah says that she has always had the feeling that she doesn't want children of her own. It is a feeling she got while in high school and has carried it since.
Like Ruth, she works with children in church, teaching Sunday school and doing after-school tutoring. She also volunteers in a children's home.
"I want to adopt a child one day but not have my own," she says. "There is more to parenthood than carrying a pregnancy and giving birth."
Natuzzi does not see herself having children when she can adopt. She argues that a child is a child and a gift from God, only selfish women want their own children. The likes of Ruth have been accused of being the selfish ones. "Some people say that women who don't want to have children are only interested in retaining their figures and don't want the dreaded stretch marks," says Natuzzi.
Raising children is a calling
She adds that the traditional goal of marriage to most people is procreation so what happens when that goal is accomplished? According to her, there should be more to a marriage than just having children.
"I'm not looking to get married. I am looking for companionship instead. Adam and Eve never married and they lived happily ever after," she says. In such a relationship she says she can have her space because they will live their own lives but together.
Sarah believes that it is biological and God ordained that some women have a desire to have children while others do not. "Being a teacher, I have seen the input it takes to be a parent," says Ruth, "and I am not ready to have indisciplined or spoilt children."
She stressed that raising children is a calling and a life time job. Although, she says that parenting is learnt on the job, children must be raised in the right way. She adds that parents are failing children by not bringing them up properly and they are the ones who are going to pay the consequences.
It is also assumed that when a woman doesn't want children, it means that she did not have a good relationship with her parents. There is also the thought that women who don't want children were mistreated while growing up and do not want their children to go through the same thing. Sarah says, "I had no problems growing up. I had a good relationship with my parents. They would be at home by five and I would do homework with my dad."
Children were seen as wealth
Natuzzi says that her mother loved them very much. Her mother was a doctor and she gave up her career to take care of her six children. She argues that the society will not be there for you when your husband leaves you with the children.
"The child is the mother's at the end of the day."
Does having children make you more of a woman? Natuzzi says her generation thinks more like her in that the society is wrong to define success and happiness for a woman as having a good career, a husband and then children. To her, happiness is doing what you want to do.
"There is so much I want to do in this life." She adds that traditionally, children were seen as wealth. Although western culture has diluted this viewpoint, the value of a child is still the same.
To Ruth, children are seen as an obligation and a rite of passage. She asks herself, "do I have the power within me to get pregnant just to have a child?"
And if she met a man that wanted children? "I would have to be hopelessly and foolishly in love to commit to him," she says with a laugh.
For Sarah, if a good man comes along and he wants children then he is not the one. She has a passion for children and wants to work with them. She would like to build an orphanage for homeless children.
"A child is a child. They all come from the womb. Why have my own when there are many suffering and some without a home?" she pauses. "But, I am not down-playing having your own children."
Do they think they will regret this choice or change their minds when the biological clock declares them time barred?
"I am very sure that I will never regret," says Ruth.
For Sarah it is a foregone conclusion because she has known this since high school.
"I plan to accumulate wealth then if I must have children and I'm past 'child bearing' age, I will fall back on technology."
For now she is satisfied with her career and does not need children to be complete. "Happiness is defined by you. If it includes a child then you will not be happy until you have one."
Be the first to Write a Comment!
Copyright © 2007 The East African Standard. All rights reserved. Distributed by AllAfrica Global Media (allAfrica.com). To contact the copyright holder directly for corrections — or for permission to republish or make other authorized use of this material, click here.
AllAfrica aggregates and indexes content from over 125 African news organizations, plus more than 200 other sources, who are responsible for their own reporting and views. Articles and commentaries that identify allAfrica.com as the publisher are produced or commissioned by AllAfrica.
