Nyokabi Kamau
7 May 2007
opinion
Nairobi — I was really saddened by the story about a man who had been burnt by his wife and then locked up in the house for days, only to be discovered by one of his children who called a neighbour. It emerged that his wife has battered this man for a long time, but he had been suffering in silence.
Whenever gender-based violence is mentioned, we all think about women as victims and rarely does a man come to our minds. The simple reason for this is the fact that it is generally women who tend to be violated by men and not the other way round.
In fact, since this story, there have been tens of other incidents of gender violence reported in the media, all of which have been directed on women and girls. It is not debatable that women are the main victims of gender violence.
However, what happens to the few men who are violated? Do we forget their plight simply because they are a minority? What are the underlying causes of violence against men simply because they are men? This requires a more sound understanding of gender issues in our societies.
When we talk about gender issues, they are usually confused for women's issues. It is useful to clarify that gender is much about men as it is about women.
Gender equality has been defined as that stage of human social development at which the rights, responsibilities and opportunities of individuals will not be determined by the fact of being born male or female.
It refers to both men and women, and to their status, relative to each other. It is from this understanding that I feel sorry for this man who has suffered in silence for years.
It is important to understand that the way our societies socialise girls to be subordinate and act weak means that the flip side expects men to be strong, masculine and be the heads of households.
Among many Kenyan communities, boys and girls are socialised from birth about what an ideal man and woman should be like. Among the Gikuyu, an ideal man does not listen to his wife; should control his household and always stay calm, especially in difficult situations. He should not share any secrets with his wife and other women including his mother.
HE SHOULD LEAD THE FAMILY AND community; should not appear to listen to his wife as this is a sign of weakness. He should have foresight, be strong; powerful and owner of property including his wife and daughters. It is also emphasised that a proper man should not be like a woman.
The opposite is usually the ideal woman. While it is now commonly accepted that the 'ideal woman' painted in our socialisation actually destroys women's potential, not much attention is given to the destruction of millions of men who do not live up to the ideal expectation. How can some of these ideals become destroyers of men and larger society?
Many times men acquire property without their wives' knowledge and when they are gone, nobody knows about such property. The expectation that men are the providers for their families may sometimes put too much pressure on them, especially in situations of high unemployment or where the woman has a job and the man does not.
Men feel very inadequate and this may lead to violence in the home or may lead men into alcoholism. In extreme situations, men engage in criminal activities in order to fulfil the role of provider.
If we hope to accomplish the stage of human social development at which the rights, responsibilities and opportunities of individuals will not be determined by their gender, then we all have a responsibility to use our circles of influence as parents, uncles, aunties, grandparents, teachers, community leaders, et cetera to socialise our boys and girls away from some stereotypes that tend to destroy rather than build.
- Dr Kamau is a gender consultant
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