Donu Kogbara
19 October 2007
column
In one of last month's columns, I complained about married men who decide to have children with girlfriends because their wives are infertile... and said that such men should fulfil their desire for children by adopting orphans.
Many people contacted me to grumble about my "unrealistic" attitude and to express the view that wives who have been betrayed in this fashion should forgive their husbands on the grounds that it is "impossible to love an adoptee as much as you would love your own flesh and blood."
When I wrote about one of my aunts who adopted a little girl and absolutely adores the little girl as if she were her real daughter, friends who believe that "blood is always thicker than water" assured me that my aunt would have had even more affection for this child if she'd given birth to it.
When I insisted that some folks are capable of bestowing the highest form of love on infants to whom they are not genetically linked, I was told that I was dreaming, misunderstanding human nature and just generally talking nonsense. And I was forced to abandon the argument because I couldn't prove, at the time, that what I was saying was true or at least feasible.
But I no longer have to grudgingly concede defeat because I've just come across a heart-warming tale that will provide the cynical pals who so confidently contradicted me with evidence that I was right all along!
In December 2006, two female citizens of the Czech Republic Jaroslava Trojanova and Jaroslava Cermakova - gave birth to two baby girls in the same hospital on the same day and named them Nikola and Veronika.
Ms Trojana wasn't married to her man, Libor Broza, but they were living together in quasi-marital harmony until Broza started to suspect his girlfriend of infidelity. His suspicions were based on the fact that while he and Ms Trojana are both dark-haired, Nikola has very fair hair.
Tormented with doubts about Trojana's loyalty, Broza decided to set his mind at rest by taking a DNA test; and he thought that his worst fears had been confirmed when the result indicated that he could not be Nikola's Dad.
When Broza confronted Ms Trojana, she was genuinely puzzled. She knew that she hadn't cheated on him; and, to cut a long story short, investigations were undertaken and it turned out that the hospital had made a mistake.
The hospital had accidentally given Broza and Trojana a baby that belonged to Mrs Cermakova and her husband, Jan. Meanwhile, the Cermakovas had accidentally been given the baby that belonged to Broza and Trojana.
Nurses had carelessly failed to write the children's surnames on their identity tags when they were born. The only names the nurses wrote on the babies' tags were their mothers' first names; and the error arose because Ms Trojana and Mrs Cermakova share the same first name - Jaroslava.
Once the situation was clarified, everyone agreed that an exchange should take place. But guess what? Amazingly perhaps, Ms Trojana and the Cermakovas have changed their minds.
They say that they do not want to give up the babies they have grown to love over a l0 month period; and they want to forget about the exchange plan.
Broza disagrees with Trojana and says that though he loves Nikola dearly, he wants his real daughter. But Mr. Cermakova says "It will be impossible to simply give up on Veronika, even if we are not the biological parents."
Broza probably has a legal right to insist that his daughter be returned to him. And I imagine that he will succeed in overruling his girlfriend's wishes if he makes a fuss. Is there any reasonable Judge who would refuse him? Even I, with my liberal views, would grant him his request if he approached me.
But it's interesting that 3 out of the 4 parents feel that the blood bond is only theoretically significant...and that the blood bond is less important, ultimately, than the deep emotional attachment that can develop when you look after any child, day-in-day-out.
I know that most of you will say that Africans and Europeans are totally different and that an African would never make a decision like this.
But we are all human beings at the end of the day; and I'm convinced that culture is a mere façade and that there are Africans who would react similarly.
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I believe that everything depends on the circumstances and individuality. if you are capable of unconditional love, then loving a someone child would not even be an issue. i find it difficult to believe that a woman in particular will look at a new born baby and a surge of instant love will not flow from her heart. the fact that there is even a debate on the issue show the reason we have most of the problems we have now in Nigeria. we should stop attaching condition to our love for each other. God loves us unconditionally and it would be in everybody's best interest to emulate this. thanks.
I agree totally with Mr Kogbara that you should be able to love another child as your own. All children are ours to care for. And for a country like Nigeria that boast a very large Christian community, it shows with the attitude described here that they are not really adhering to the Christian principles. For the Lord Jesus has said.."Love your neighbor as yourself"... and when we are unable to love a child as our own and not even as ourselves, we fail this commandment.
The ability to love is endowed on each Human being and it is up to him or her to exercise it to the maximum. There is no end to love and love is not conditional. The examples Mr Kogbara has shown here of how we are, shows that we do love conditionally......
Inherent in all this is also the reason why we do not progress as we should, because the fundamental part of our lives is really not in accordance to the will of the Almighty. We can be as Churchy as want, but there is still a lot of work to be done on ourselves and also on our society.... Blood is thicker than water only when the person eats well and cares for his or her body properly, if not it is as thin as water and sometimes even detrimental to the health of the person.... so let us not quote in ignorance, but strive to obery the command of the Lord Jesus... Love your neighbour as yourself....