Dele Momodu
26 October 2007
column
Lagos — "There is no lack of good advice, only those who listen are very few." - Swahili proverb
It has become imperative for those of us who roam the thick forests of Africa, and fly around the skies of the world to advise our country men and women on the dangers lurking around some of the most cosmopolitan cities of the world.
The recent killing of South Africa's superstar singer, Lucky Dube has compelled me to write this piece. While our hearts go out to his family, friends and his country, South Africa, which had succeeded in attracting the world's greatest celebrities in the past, we must draw useful lessons from the great tragedy.
Once upon a time, the conspiracy was that Nigeria is the most dangerous place to visit. There were big billboards around some airports warning visitors to Nigeria that they did so at a great personal risk. All the American artistes flew over Nigeria to South Africa to perform at mega jams, until our man, Prince Nduka Obaigbena, and a few corporate organisations fought a gallant battle, for the restoration of our pride as a nation, by doing the impossible, in inviting the best of the best in the world of entertainment to Africa's most populous nation, Nigeria.
In an unprecedented display of superlative strength, the THISDAY festival assembled a rare parade of Beyonce, Jay Z, Snoop Dogg, Ciara, Busta Rhymes, Missy Elliot, En Vogue, alongside the best of Nigeria. Not done yet, we were soon mesmerized with superlative jams by the ultimate showman, P Diddy, Kelly Rowland, Shakira, John Legend, Neyo and others. The superstition against Nigeria was thus debunked. We must salute the uncommon courage and dare devilry of the corporate organisations that made it possible for our dear country to shine again.
I seriously sympathise with South Africa for the way her beautiful and indeed breathtaking landscape is being ravaged by violence. In his twilight years, the Mandiba, Nelson Mandela, may have to sideline his AIDS campaign to join hands with his people to root out the scourge of serial killings. Visitors to South Africa are now warned to be extra-vigilant. Nigerians who are well-known to carry raw cash like mobile vaults are advised to watch out as they arrive the airport in Jo'burg. In fact, driving out of the airport in posh cars may not be too wise as they become instant targets of armed robbers. There have been recorded cases of visitors being trailed from the airport to the many exotic hotels in highbrow Sandton. Also, changing money at the airport forex bureau is an easy way to attract unwanted attention.
Those who love to argue at public places are warned to desist from such dangerous habits. If possible, do not walk any dark corners alone, and check very well before you open your hotel doors to strangers. Always peep through the door holes to ascertain the identity of room attendants and if possible, keep your doors tightly locked even while house keeping is going on. Do not treat this as false alarm, so as not to become a veritable source of statistics.
After South Africa, we move to the famous London Heathrow, where some evil geniuses are waiting for Nigerians who tend to lower their guards as soon as they land at the world's busiest airports. Never leave your luggage unattended, because you may lose your valuables within a twinkle of an eye. The airport rats often target rich and famous Nigerians who they know are fond of loading their pockets and bags with wads of crispy notes in pounds and dollars. Sometimes they pounce on their victims as they look the other way while engaging in gossips and get distracted. At other times, someone tells you, as you push your trolleys toward the exit that something just dropped from your bag and within the minute you look or walk back to check, your handbag, usually is gone forever. I know of several high profile victims. These guys always make you look stupid.
A special warning goes to those who drive around London and other cities. You must keep your doors tightly locked, and do not wind down your windows, in order to escape carjackers. A friend was stopped by some youths who, acting like good Samaritans, told him there was smoke coming out of his bonnet, and as he came down to check, got a rude shock when they quickly took over the driver's seat, and drove off with his car, his mouth wide ajar! He never saw his car again.
Please don't ever send your kids on useless errands, as many cases of kid-snatching have been reported. Black-on-Black violence is now very rampant. Avoid engaging in unnecessary argument with dangerous gangsters who would not think twice before putting a trigger on you, and take the life he did not create.
I had a not so pleasant experience at the lounge of Hilton Metropole, on Edgware Road, London, a favourite home of many Nigerians. We were having our drinks when these two young boys, who later turned out to Romanians walked in. Pretending to be beggars from a "poor nation", they approached our table, and held out what looked like handbills, and pleaded; "Please give us money", and dropped the papers on our table. Foolish us, little did we realize that the evil geniuses merely dropped the papers to cover our mobile phones while they cleverly smuggled the phones from under. A flash of sorts from my friend's glittering phone caught my attention, and by the time I shouted "your phone, your phone," the robbers took to their heels.
As we rose up to chase after them, I realized my brand new phone had also vanished. We ran after them like Ben Johnson, but I couldn't run fast enough like those "antelopes". My friend was fitter so he chased them like a mad horse towards Paddington, and actually caught up with one of them. We searched his body for my phone, since he had been on my side of the table, but he had apparently passed on the phone to another member of the gang who must have been waiting at the entrance of the hotel.
We dragged the boy back to the hotel and called the police in from next door. We got a rude shock when the police told us, after punching his name into their system, that the boy was their regular customer, already on a "wanted list" from age ten. I insisted on a trial, and we went to court. It turned out to be a waste of time, as he was under-aged. He was in court with his parents who tried to intimidate everyone with menacing their looks. The boy was discharged.
One last warning in London. Mind your bank account details, and credit or debit cards. The bad boys can collapse your empire before your very eyes. They have perfected the amazing science of penetrating the most secure of devices. If possible, don't keep too much cash in your regular accounts. Also, you can relate directly with your account managers and encode your cards to request for due authorization each time it is swiped. Yes, it is not very convenient, but you are better safe than sorry.
Next, we move to the United States, once described by John Pepper Clark as "America, their America". I believe that American Immigration or Homeland Security and US Customs are trained to intimidate any visitor, and even their own citizens. All the protocol you enjoy in London is totally absent in America. Fast tracks are not even available for business and first class passengers. For example, accredited members of the Nigerian High Commission in London can welcome a Governor near the aircraft, it is virtually impossible for our embassy staff to walk through American Immigration as escort of a VIP.
On a trip with a Nigerian Governor a few years back, I was happy to see the wonderful reception we got in London but stunned to see how the youthful American security guys removed everyone's baban riga, including that of the governor, removed our shoes, while the then Consul General stood helplessly at the distance, and later apologized that "this is what we go through here," to which someone replied that "is it possible for us to ask a visiting American Governor to raise up his hands for a body search in Nigeria?" I leave you to answer that question.
On another occasion, I had traveled to Washington with a friend who's also a publisher. The gentleman had his genuine British passport. I had crossed the Immigration and waited for him to join me by the conveyor belt. I waited for over one hour, and was confused by his disappearance. The security people told me I had to go out and wait for him. Again, I waited for over an hour, prancing up and down. I knew the man very well as being upright and not someone to partake in stupid ventures. The problem was that there was no way to ask what had happened to him, unlike in London where you can seek information at the airport, and you would be told if he was detained by them or not.
In frustration, I had to leave the airport, thinking that the worst scenario was for him to be deported back to our Great Britain. I was checking into my hotel when he rang my roaming number that he had just been released. The Immigration seeing that the man was born in one unknown village in Ondo State of Nigeria had wondered how he got his British passport. All explanations fell on deaf ears, and he was detained by this muscle-flexing lady until another officer took over from her, and allowed him to go immediately. Just imagine!
There are many sad tales from around the world. Since September 11, the world has changed for ever. To travel is like going to war. You must search your bag thoroughly for anything that can cause you to spend long hours at airports. Most people now dress scantily, and it is not out of place to wear your flat pair of slippers. Never wear laced shoes, unless your tummy is flat enough and can bend down with ease. Removing your waist belt would save you some minutes. Carrying elubo (yam flour) and garri in your bag can land you in trouble. Don't even attempt to carry meat and fish, dairy products and vegetables into America. Of course, some of our stubborn women will never listen. It is not uncommon for them to invade foreign airports with their odoriferous spices, which no air-freshener can cure easily. A search of some bags would reveal all manner of strange food items, bush meat, stockfish, snails (crawling, fried, frozen, peppered, etc), dry fish, roasted guinea fowl, as well as some efficacious juju to hypnotize any poke-nosing customs officer. It is indeed a comedy of errors.
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