Imagine in the next few weeks, President Yoweri Museveni, in his capacity as "Chairman" of the Commonwealth, travels to Harare on behalf of the Club to convince Zimbabwe's leader Comrade Robert Mugabe to return to the democratic path and rule of law.

Ever intransigent, Mugabe fires a shot across Museveni's bow by not meeting him at the airport. Instead he sends a ka-assistant to meet him. Museveni is miffed, but doesn't let the snub get to him. At State House, eventually, the two men go into a private meeting, just the two of them.

Mugabe: So Comrade Museveni, you have now become the Head Prefect for British imperialists, eh?

Museveni: Don't insult me; you know my history of struggle for the people of Africa. The problem with Africa, and I see you making the same mistake, is that you have lost sight of the big picture, and you have turned what should be tactical battles into strategic wars. Otherwise you should have seen that I am on your side!

Mugabe: Okay, prove it.

Museveni: Comrade, this chairmanship of Chogm is a victory for "us" revolutionaries. For example, the reactionary forces tried to paint me a power-hungry politician bent on ruling until death parts me with State House after the people supported our decision to amend the constitution in 2005 and remove presidential term limits.

We decided, as Brother Gaddafi rightly advised, that revolutionaries don't just leave power "like that." So when they made mistakes and voted for backward people like Kizza Besigye, we took steps to ensure that the final vote tally reflected support for the revolutionary side. Yet, after all that, here I am chairman of Chogm.

Mugabe: That might be as well, but we did the same thing. We changed the constitution like you. We controlled our own reactionaries like Morgan Tsvangirai, just like you did with your Besigye. I built myself a palace, just like you have rebuilt State House Entebbe- in fact mine was cheaper.

But what happens? The imperialists gang up trying to overthrow us, but you the Queen comes and hosts a banquet in your more expensive State House. It is the land Yoweri. You, didn't evict the grandchildren of colonialists who stole our ancestors' land. You can change the constitution and beat up the opposition all you want, and they will still back you.

Museveni: That's where you go wrong. What I am saying is that if I can be Chairman of Chogm, then surely there is hope for you too. Look, that Tsvangirai fellow of yours, he is just like Besigye. In fact they even resemble. You did three things to Tsvangirai. One, you "re-arranged" his votes. Two, you then imprisoned him. Three, you beat him up. In fact you not only beat him up, you beat up all leaders of the MDC.

Mugabe: So, even George Bush, although he criticises me, did the same thing in Iraq with his "shock and awe", and they didn't pardon Saddam Hussein.

Museveni: Forget Bush. You can't do all the things you did to Tsvangirai. Look at what we did with Besigye. We arrested him, but we didn't beat and inflict wounds on his head. We make sure that he is only tear-gassed. More critically, we left other FDC leaders alone. Your problem is that you beat everyone. You must pick and choose and divide them and international opinion.

And you can't beat your opponents throughout the year. You hammer them hard for three months, then leave them for nine months. Everyone soon forgets. The only thing we seem to agree on is re-arranging the votes.

Mugabe: So you are saying our mistake is in style, not our overall objective? What we can't compromise on is land. It belongs to our people. We have no apologies for taking it back by whatever means.

Museveni: Again, you are going about land the wrong way.

You are creating high expectations among the masses, that the land is theirs. Peasants will only subsist on the land, and sub-divide it among their many children and wives. The thing with land is that all transfers must be temporary. The only people who can do something useful with it are we revolutionaries.

Mugabe: What do you mean?

Museveni: We made slight mistakes in the 1995 Constitution by saying all land belongs to the people, and we limited government's ability to seize it, take it. Now we are trying to correct that mistake, and I tell you it is a tougher war than you had repossessing the land from the whites. Never let people think the land actually belongs to them. It belongs to revolutionaries who have a vision for its proper use.

Finally, I want to say it's unfair of you to suggest I was unworthy of hosting Chogm, yet when it was held in Harare in 1991, your army had just finished off thousands of people in Matebeleland, and I didn't accuse you of being a British lackey.

Mugabe: Sorry comrade. Now I see that you have all the qualifications to be Chogm Chairman.