Sam Musitwa
1 December 2007
Nairobi — Are you a single and successful career woman seeking a committed relationship? If so, you better rise up and start hunting for your Mr Right as waiting to be hunted might cost you the love of your life.
June Wanyeki, 32, is an attractive brand manager in a leading manufacturing firm based in Nairobi. She was ready for marriage five years ago and is still waiting.
"This is taking longer than I anticipated," she says, remembering her college days when young men were all over her with proposals.
"If I had wanted to get married then, it would have been easy as I was spoilt for choice. But I wasn't ready. Now that I have established my career and want a hand in marriage, all the men that were after me are nowhere in sight."
June is not alone. Many marriage-minded women admit that finding Prince Charming is a challenge.
Unlike in days gone when arranged marriages were the fad, our modern way of life creates individualism and distance between relatives and friends who would otherwise have played match makers. This makes it harder for singles to find their match.
Secondly, waiting to be hunted no longer works and a woman who truly needs a mate has to make the first move.
Milton Ayiya Opiyo, a counsellor based in Western Kenya says that the problem is not new. According to him this has been with us for a decade or so.
"I often hear women express frustration about their single lifestyle. How there are no potential husbands because as they say, all the good ones are taken. I fervently believe these sentiments are false. They imply that all the good partners commit while still young and are never again available. But the reality is that in our society today, very few people marry young," says the Opiyo.
Skilful hunter succeeds
His advice, "The good ones are out there. Get started today, you will be surprised at how easy it is! But, if you don't do something today, tomorrow will be the same. If you don't do something this week, next week will just be like this one. So, get going. You can do it! Be a skilful hunter and catch a husband."
But how does one start hunting for a husband? Isn't that being desperate? And what will the society think and say? You may ask.
Counsellor Opiyo has this to say:
"My answer is simple. Forget about that. The society is in your head. Of course the society protested when women started flying, driving and working. Hunting for a man is being proactive. Take a U-turn and let the hunter be the hunted.
Have a positive view of marriage. If you are a single person who is full of negatives about marriage then you might as well stop looking and sink into loneliness. There are numerous positive examples of people who have blissfully dated and lived in marriage for years. So stop thinking negative. Stop having a loser's mind.
Evaluate and change your attitude
A friendly attitude gives you friendly opportunities. Be open-minded about ways to meet men. Do not restrict yourself. Some of the best places to meet someone are church, work places, coffee shops, supermarkets, public service vehicles, specialists clubs, gyms and parties. Do not rush to write off people you meet because of the way they are dressed, get to know them first. Before going out this is what you need to do.
Package yourself appropriately
Before you go out to hunt for Mr Right, you need to brand yourself with qualities that appeal to the potentials. It will be fruitless to have the confidence and lack a relationship appeal. Branding is about appearance and mannerism. If you come out as a person who is content with singleness or have the happy-go-lucky image then a potential Mr Right will not be bothered to concentrate on you. You might have heard of " lets just be friends" statements, this comes out when you are not appealing enough for them to think of a relationship. You need to package yourself as ready and deserving a relationship.
Examine your dressing
You need to dress smart and in a way that conserves feminine values. Men find women in formal skirts more attractive than those in jeans and tracksuits. Take pride in your appearance and you will feel attractive and men will notice. Exposed thongs and bras indicate sloppiness and irresponsibility. Avoid dressing as if you have been decorated for display or ready for Halloween. Exposing too much flesh will send out the wrong signals; you will come out as an easy lay. Do not compete to dress like a hooker. Excessive make-up will give you a plastic and un-natural appearance. Make up should be used sparingly. You might not believe it but men are turned on by a well made up lady but not overly done.
Mind your language
Bragging, vulgar language, and poor listening skills are a put off. If you talk in a combative manner as if you have scores to settle, it will erode your appeal. Politeness, gentleness and tenderness are qualities that are instinctively associated with women. They are not signs of weakness. Talk of your convictions and values to create an impression of what you stand for. Do not come out as a fanatic of this or that. This creates an impression of irrational rigidity.
Be confident
In your hunt, you need to be confident. There is nothing wrong with a woman calling a man to make a date whether it is seven days, seven hours, or seven minutes in advance. It works both ways.
You need to know that you are capable of searching and finding the person of your dreams, there is nothing extra in men that make them confident other than a little love for themselves (pride) and self esteem. Rational pride and good self esteem makes one confident.
Opportunities as they say, are not for cowards but for the brave. If you have made up your mind that you want to find Mr Right, you need to have a proper mental disposition in order to accomplish this task. Pitying yourself does not improve your chances. Forget about stunts that get you sympathy love. You need a Mr Right. Put down his qualities and start the hunt.
Striking a conversation with men
Once you have mastered confidence, it will be easier for you to approach a potential Mr Right. Some women take it that they should not talk to a man first. But my take is that if you like him, go right on, start a conversation.
Picture this. If you are in the lift riding up to your office and you are with this guy who you have seen several times, or perhaps their company just moved into your building. What is wrong with starting a conversation with him? You never know what might come of it. Getting to know what he does for the company or what his work involves can be a starting point to greater friendship.
Reveal your single status
Hiding the fact that you are single is detrimental. Do not act married if you are not. In marketing, there is the concept of sales promotion, which roughly implies giving a product a favourable appeal through the use of certain factors. You need to
- Promote yourself as a single person.
- Promote your identity. Let people know you are single and searching.
- Cover the market. Do not restrict yourself to a particular place or event. You can join a dating agency, participate in marathon or charity work or social activities.
- Create goodwill by being friendly to the people you meet.
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