The Observer (Kampala)
Wang w'Angamba
14 February 2008
column
It just dawned on me that I am not going to get rich sweeping streets and packing groceries in supermarkets in New York. In fact, I am not that better off than I would be in Uganda. The only thing I seem to have gained since catching a flight out of Entebbe is that I can now tell the girls that I go to the same nightclub as supermodel Naomi Campbell and rapper P.Diddy (or whatever he calls himself these days).
That, of course, is a lie. What is true, however, is that whenever French President Nicholas Sarkozy visits New York, we jog from the same park.
But none of this is going to put cash on my bank account. So I have been thinking that I need to do something else, if I am not going to die eating my lies.
When I looked around, I noticed that there are only two categories of people getting super rich super quick in Uganda. There are the thieves in government stealing public funds and getting kickbacks on contracts and sales of public property, and there are the singers.
Being a certified government thief is out of the question, since I didn't "fight" and I am not otherwise connected to the people who "fought". Being an uncertified government thief is out of the question too, as it is too risky with very little returns.
(A certified government thief is the wolf that is put in charge of the chicken house so that he can eat the chicken while pretending to be guarding it. An uncertified government thief, on the other hand, is the wolf that tries to sneak into the chicken house and, if caught, gets shot because he is not entitled to eating chicken).
This leaves me one option; to become a singer. I, of course, have nothing resembling a passable, let alone good, singing voice. But then again, my voice is not any worse than that of some of Uganda's leading singers. The formula for success has nothing to do with one's ability to sing. Rather, it goes something like this:
Write some repetitive lyrics about a popular subject, such as Nuggu or wife-beating, or something totally meaningless like "bolongoto ya gilingita".
Get Henry Kiwewa to create for you a catchy, danceable beat. It seems he is the man behind every single hit these days (Juliana's Kibaluma, Rackla's Mu Ngato, Ritah Kigozi and Henry Tigan's Love Enzita, Mariam Ngagire's Nsibidde ku Gwe, etc).
Get Nyonjo Video Productions to do a promotional video for you. I don't think you even need to tell them to throw in chick (as opposed to queen) dancers; it is standard practice nowadays.
Bribe the FM radio DJs to play your song. Go to Ange Noir and Club Silk, break some bottles and kick up a few people to gain notoriety.
Get a telecom or beer company to sponsor the launch of your song. Invite Mike Ezra, Juma Seiko and Mike Mukula to the launch.
Before you know it, everyone will be talking about Wang of the Bolongoto ya Gilingita fame. More importantly, my account in Centenary Bank will be bulging with bucks.
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