Helen Ovbiagele
27 April 2008
Lagos — 'WIFE Beaten Over Dinner' was the screaming headline in a South African paper, of an incident which took place in Kraalfontein, in Cape Town's northern suburbs recently.
According to the piece, a 48 year-old man arrived home from work hungry, while his partner of 28 years, and the mother of his children, was preparing food for the family. She works herself, but she normally returns home early to cook for the family.
That day, the man was so hungry that he helped himself to the food that was still cooking in the pan, instead of waiting for the food to be served on the table. As a result of this, there had not been enough food for the family.
This angered the man and an argument broke out between him and his partner.
In his rage, he punched and slapped her, and grabbed her by the throat as well. The Police was called in and he was arrested and charged to court where the magistrate told him;'
It is incredible that this happened in an argument about food, and you humiliated and traumatised your common-law wife and the children. I shudder to think what would have happened had the Police not arrived.'
The female magistrate said she did not understand what had gone through the man's mind, to have attacked a defenceless woman, who had also returned from work to prepare food for the family.
He was sentenced by the court to four months in prison or a 2000 rand fine, for common assault.
The magistrate agreed with the prosecutor that a suspended fine would make the man think twice before lifting his hand to anyone again, especially women.
"If this had happened in our country, the woman wouldn't have had the courage to go call the Police."observed Mrs. T. "Maybe it was a neighbour who called the police in, or even one of the children," I remarked.
"Hm! This is an every day occurrence in our country, and very few cases are reported to the Police," observed a lady who runs an NGO on Violence Against Women. "Even where a case is reported, hardly would the Police want to act. Some women who have been battered almost to death by their husbands are usually told 'Madam, go home and try to settle with your husband."
Reporting an assault
I was surprised to hear this. "Isn't an assault worth reporting to the police, irrespective of whether it was by a spouse or not?" I asked.
"By law, you can report an assault even if it's by your own child or parent. But the police here are always reluctant to arrest a man who has beaten his wife.
An explanation offered by an officer several years ago was that, as much as possible, they want peace and harmony in the home, and when you arrest and lock up a husband who's usually the main bread winner in the family; that family suffers.
So, they treat domestic violence as a private affair and would rather encourage the couple to go home and settle the matter than lock up the man."
"I see. What if the violence continues and the woman's life is in danger? Wasn't that officer's view a case of the police trying to protect one of their own because it's a man involved?"
"Exactly. I've witnessed a scene where an officer told a battered woman, 'Look, madam, go settle with your husband. You women too stubborn sef! Go and beg him. Na your oga o.'
However, on a few occasions, some officers did invite the man to their station to caution him, and advise that he shouldn't beat the wife again, otherwise he would be arrested."
It's encouraging that there are a few officers in our country who would dare tell a man that he's wrong to beat up his wife. But then, how many cases of domestic violence are being reported?
Very few. Many battered women would hesitate to call in the police because they wouldn't want to be accused by the man's family of getting him locked up.
Also, since many women are not financially strong, and are mainly dependent on their husband, they wouldn't want to be thrown out by him, and their kids thrown out as well, and risk becoming destitutes.
So, they suffer in silence and allow themselves to be used as punch bags by their abusive husbands.
In the good old days, and before the population explosion and hard economic times, an abused wife could relocate to her father's house. In fact, among some ethnic groups then, a married woman has her own room in her father's house to come back to if she's maltreated in marriage.
These days, only the wealthy can afford to do that. With the poor, vacant rooms in the family house are quickly let out when the children leave home, so that the parents can have an additional means of livelihood.
Violence against women is not new. It has been there since the world began. Someone jokingly said that women down the ages will always be punished for that sin of disobedience committed by Eve, when she not only disobeyed God by eating the forbidden fruit, she also gave some to Adam her husband and thus made him sin too.
And because of her action, hardship and death came into the world! Well, Adam should have had the sense to refuse to eat that fruit and stay obedient to God.
Seriously speaking, it wasn't recorded that Adam ever lifted up his hand against Eve, so there's no excuse for the increased violence against women that we're witnessing all over the world, especially in the third world countries.
In black Africa, if things are rough for a man, he blames the nearest woman to him - either his mother, if he's not married or the wife if he's married.
A man who loses his job would blame that bad luck on his wife, forgetting that it's in the woman's own interest for him to stay employed. The abuse is not always mainly verbal, but there's physical beating too.
A child who has wasted his time in idle pursuits, turns later to blame the mother for his/her lack of progress in life, instead of acknowledging the fact that he/she didn't work when the mates worked.
Some even attack their mother. Hardly do you hear of fathers being blamed and attacked for a child's misfortunes.
Almost anything can trigger off violence against women. A drunken husband returns home late. If the door is not opened up quickly, or the food is not on the table, he sets about beating the daylights of his wife. If his clothes have not been washed, or washed and ironed properly, he would beat the wife.
If a wife asks for housekeep money, or an increase in it, the husband may turn violent and beat her up. A few men may even blame the wife for not giving him a son. Soon, he would abandon her and take another wife that would give him a son.
That reminds one of a story we were told many years ago about a couple. The husband bought a goat to celebrate a festival. After killing it, he told the wife to clean and cut it up while he went to the farm.
The wife did as she was told and she stacked the goat meat in a basin. "My God!" exclaimed the husband when he saw it. "Is this all of the goat or did you sneak out with some of it and went to give it to your parents, you wretched woman?"
The wife denied vehemently and she told him that she had put into the basin, all of the goat. He didn't believe her, so, he killed her for stealing. He married another wife and slaughtered a goat too to celebrate. She was asked to dress up the goat meat and store away while he went to the farm..
On his return, he couldn't believe his eyes at how small the goat meat was. He called her names, accusing her of stealing the meat, and then he killed her.
He then married a third wife and slaughtered a goat. This time around, the new wife persuaded him to stay at home and watch her dress the goat.
He obliged, and kept chewing kola nuts so that he would stay awake, and the wife wouldn't have the opportunity to steal some of the meat. Under his very eyes, he saw the meat of the goat dwindling until it was only half the size of the goat after dressing.
Without a word, he got up and went to take his own life. There's no doubt that elders told this story to depict violence against the women of their day.
Nothing seemed to have changed since those early days, and the modern man, with all his exposure to civilized living , sees the wife as his punch bag. It's only by the grace of God that some don't lift up their hands on their wives.
The response of the police and the magistrate in the incident in South Africa is commendable. They took the case seriously and the man was given a jail sentence.
If only our government and law-enforcement agency would take violence against women seriously, and put into place, rules that would ensure that our mothers, sisters, wives and other female relations are not reduced to punch-bags, not only by their spouses, but by the male-folk.
We should accord our women some respect and protection, as those whose duty it is to rear citizens for the nation. Parents can do their own bit too, by seeing that in the home, boys are brought up to respect the female folk around them. This is best taught by example.
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