6 September 2008
column
I almost met my creator last week (I swear I am not making this up) courtesy of some ka minute piece insect that for lack of an "F" word I will call a mosquito. I always thought mosquitoes respected the son of Nebbi because every time they flew in my direction, I just ignored them and they would bite, suck out, then black out - dead drunk of course!
Now last week, I took a sabbatical off alcohol and this silly female anopheles took advantage of that lapse and set out to plant its proboscis under my skin. A few hours later, I started getting a funny feeling; muscle pains, a headache and a fever. I knew it was over, malaria!
Soon I whisked myself to a nearby clinic but before I could even utter a word, some elephant of a man was dragging me to a side room. The guy's grip was so firm that it could strangle a two year old dead. He had this look that reminded one of those creatures in Bwindi. In the meantime, I was wondering what was going on here; I mean, being a first time malaria patient, I thought one only had to take some drug called quinine or fansida, but this medication was getting past the elbow. I didn't know malaria treatment involved being locked in a room with a Mandingo man.
The guy then told me to drop my pants (now this was scary) and I let out this ear-bursting scream of raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaape before he muffled me and convinced me that he was a doctor and the owner of the clinic, and all he was trying to do was get me injected! It still hurts to date.
After going through this painful experience of getting rid of the plasmodium parasites in my body, I sat down and wondered why the mosquito that carries the malaria parasite never succumbs to malaria. In the event that the Global Funds meant to procure malaria drugs have been "eaten", can't the millions of Ugandans prone to this disease find other remedies?
As a bright son of West Nile, I have come up with a fool proof way of treating malaria. Soon you guys will be dropping my name with that of people like Albert Einstein, Louise Pasteur... etc. This remedy is for world cup; you will surely know that I am Mazzi Mawanvu after reading this.
Have you ever thought about the fact that malaria is the biggest killer in the third world today and kills more people annually that those killed in the Rwanda Genocide, or those killed by Cain in the Bible (Cain killed a quarter of the worlds population)? Have you ever thought about the fact that every time we are about to eradicate it, some minister "eats" the money meant for this operation?
Well, I have a solution and I need the government to fund my project - "Saggy's Malaria Eradication Remedy" (SMERE). After my remedy is implemented, Mulago will be relieved of those long queues, people will be able to treat themselves without any medical supervision, and this country will have hope. I expect a road to be named after me on implementation of this malaria eradication strategy. I know you are wondering what this strategy is about.
It's very simple; you can actually try it at home safely. Now, sit down and I take you through it. Now, whenever you get malaria, you should walk to the shop next door and buy mosquito coils, break them into five pieces, and then start chewing them one by one. By the time you do the last one, your malaria will be gone.
Well, if symptoms persist, don't see a doctor; just go back to the same shop, buy doom, and drink it! We are tired of lack of drugs in our hospitals when we can find solutions.
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