Colin Anthony
18 November 2008
column
Johannesburg — ONE of the greatest mysteries of the golfing universe is why the guy who rocks up late is always the one who keeps his cellphone on during the round and blames his caddie for bad shots.
He is also the person who agonises over every shot and insists on describing to you in great detail why he sliced his drive. And of course, he missed his putt because his caddie gave him the wrong line.
Another great mystery is why shout "fore" to warn people to duck? It's such an insipid word.
Why not shout "duck"? Its message is clear, it rhymes with a word that is certain to get your attention and its crisp consonants will carry clearly across the fairways. That will also be much safer for beginners who have yet to learn that when "fore" is being screamed in the distance it means you've got to scamper for cover, arms over head and shoulders hunched in fearful anticipation.
And why don't they have some sort of retribution for the golfer who hits the wayward shot but doesn't shout "fore" and the ball thuds into the ground near you? Usually the guilty party hovers in the distance until you've all moved off before approaching.
While the word that rhymes with duck comes to mind again, as does wrapping a nine-iron around the guilty party's neck, I believe there should be a standard response that is accepted as being part of golfing etiquette. Something such as forcing the player to wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers for the rest of the round. That'll teach him. (Somehow, though, I can't imagine members of the more posh clubs condoning that when they bristle if socks are too long or shorts are too short.)
It's a funny game, golf. The more you learn about it, the more mysterious it becomes and the rules raise that mysteriousness to a whole new dimension.
First, why are there so many rules? This is the one sport that is self-governed and prides itself on being so, yet just the contents of the Royal & Ancient's (R&A's) 2008 rules book runs over 10 pages. The rules themselves take up 180 pages and then there's a 24-page index to make your life easier.
Why do you have to declare a shot "provisional"? What else can it possibly be if you reload?
Why can't you ask for advice except from your partner or caddie? Why the heck not? If your opponent is happy to help you on something, that should be up to him, surely?
Why are most penalties different for stroke play and match play? Sometimes I think those whiskered fellows at the R&A are just having a laugh at our expense. "I've just had a jolly good idea," I can imagine one of them saying, bushy eyebrows see-sawing in excitement. "Instead of having one penalty for each rule infringement, let's have two! One for stroke play and one for match play."
"What a delightful idea, old chap," his colleague might say, choking on his gin. "There's no way normal golfers will remember any of them. Let's do it."
Don't let me get started on spike marks and divots, but there are other golfing questions that need answering:
Why does the worst player in the group always take the most practice swings?
Why do so many of these new golf estates insist on a carts-only policy?
Why can't someone say something more original than "You dropped your lipstick" when someone's putt comes up short? And what do you say when it is a female golfer?
Why do players who spend thousands of rands on the latest and best equipment allow the grooves on their irons to fill up with dirt and sludge, so negating the hundreds of millions of dollars worth of research and development that has gone into getting the clubs just so?
Anthony is editor of Business Day Golf, which appears on the last Thursday of every month.
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