Daily Independent (Lagos)
Michael John
1 December 2008
opinion
Whether the Akwa Ibom-born journalist, Akpandem James, cares to admit it or not, the Mumbai attacks were timely.
It diverted global attention from the child-witch scandal in his home State. Since November 12, when British Broadcasting Corporation's Channel 4 aired a documentary about how child-witches were brutalized, sent out of homes, stigmatized (and even killed), Akwa Ibom State has suffered global curiosity and the curious has taken the state to pieces.
The documentary on Channel 4 which sparked global interest, started with the scenic beauty of the state and then segued into a scene with a little runt of a man (some kind of spiritual martial artist because he wore a white flowing gown with a red belt). Bishop Sunday Ulup-Aya has interesting facial looks and eyes which remind you of the last time you watched a horror film. He boasted to have killed a hundred and ten children who were said to be witches and wizards.
The Bishop, who has two churches "scattered" all over the country, claimed that there are 2.8 million witches and wizards in Akwa Ibom State. If the Bishop whose skin complexion is darker than the Devil's conscience is to be believed, Akwa Ibom with a population of about 3 million, has a witchcraft epidemic and should be declared a disaster area by the United Nations. It also means that every Akwa Ibom person is a witch or wizard until proved otherwise. There are too many cases of Acquired Witchcraft Sufficiency Syndrome (AWSS).
But Bishop Ulup-Aya should not be taken too seriously - he did not look sober or sane. I swear by your right eye, he was looking like he had more than a little bit of spirit (I mean alcohol) in his system. He rocked back and forth in his chair, and belched to release the spirit pressure from his stomach. A bottle of local gin is passed around behind him to his disciples. I like this Bishop because he has "Rasputinic" ways. Rasputin was the Russian holy man who befriended the Russian queen, womanized and drank like a fish. Just the kind of pastor the world needs to keep the wine factories running!
But Bishop Ulup-Aya is not alone in fighting AWSS. There is a woman who is the founder of a church and a film actress. She can smell a witch from two miles away (and that even if she is in a flower garden.) She has rolled out procedures for deciding whether your son or daughter is a wizard or witch. Her lines include that if your child falls sick mostly at night, he or she is a witch or wizard and you have the little misfortune of being the father of a witch or wizard.
The book also claims that children who cry at night, like you used to do, are witches and wizards. Well as you would have guessed, you escaped by whiskers because this woman of God and filmmaker never met your parents. You may never receive an award for bringing a witch into this world.
I support her completely - though I would have been happier if she had told us how to identify old witches and wizards. Ever since I began my study of "witchtology," I have come to several realizations. You see I now know who killed Sani Abacha - he visited Akwa Ibom the year he died so one of those witch-commandoes must have done it.
They have done so much havoc that I find it difficult to say. What do you think is responsible for lack of Federal presence in Akwa Ibom State - little witches and wizards who hijack those things to the covens. You see, Gringory Akabogu (of New Masquerade fame) would have been a wealthy man if it were not for these little monsters. Me? I would have won the Nobel Prize for Snoring if it were not for these little monsters and Akpandem (who has refused to go for a voluntary AWSS test) would probably be the United States president if it were not for them.
Am sure you have come across witches before? There are found in William Shakespeare's (1564 - 1616) play Macbeth (Act 1, Scene 1) There, the FIRST WITCH intoned, "when shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in rain?" And the other two witches responded. Macbeth happened on the scene and got some prophecies which led to his downfall.
The contrasting thing is that instead of the old, haggard witches in Macbeth, Akwa Ibom is seeing witches in children as young as three months old. Some witches do not even know how to walk or talk. And instead of what happened in Macbeth when the witches gave the prophecy, now it is some "pastors" who give the prophecy.
Okay! Okay!! Okay!!! So there are witches and wizards (but not like Jay Jay Okocha, who was said to be a football wizard) but the real McCoy who travel to distant lands with a broom. And they also cause havoc and stop people from living forever. Take the great Dr. Nnamdi Azikiwe and Chief Obafemi Awolowo not to mention Chief Clement Isong, all these great nationalists and statesmen would still have been alive if it were not for you-know-who.
I have it on good "witch authority" from this woman that every death in Nigeria is either caused by malaria or witches or both. But then even the mosquitoes which cause this havoc are witches and tiny cousins to their human counterparts. In fact when they buzz in your ear do not swat them because they are simply running an AWSS test on you to determine whether you belong. If in doubt they would take a little blood for a laboratory test.
As for those who kill, maim or torture children because they are alleged to be witches, they should remember that lions breed lions and fowls breed fowls, and witches breed witches. So if your daughter is a child-witch, that makes you a mother-witch or Fellow of the Institute of Witchcraft. So the illiterate Bishop who claims to charge N400, 000 to exorcise demons from your child, is actually making you out to be the father and mother of a wizard or witch.
But pray, what kind of country is this, that a man who confessed and actually boasted to have killed 110 children, without any legal authority, is still walking the streets free and giving interviews to international media agencies. How did the so-called bishop carry out the killings - by electrocution, by hanging, by firing squad, by strangling, by poisoning - how for God's heaven sake did he send 110 human beings to the great beyond. Did I hear somebody say anything can happen here? There is absolutely no doubt, the country seems to be on auto-pilot!
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