27 June 2009
opinion
CAPTAIN Fiddler has been in trouble yet again. He was detained just as he was leaving the stadium on the planet Zoon after watching a most thrilling soccer match.
This was the match to which he had invited himself to show the Zooners that he held no grudge against them for the shoddy way they had treated him.
Fiddler politely asked the burly Zooners in dark glasses, dark suits and dark expressions to identify themselves. They curtly told him that it's a most serious offence for any person, especially an alien, to ask this question after being arrested.
This charge, they said gleefully, could be added to the litany of other charges to be invented against him. But they hastened to add that Zoon is a very democratic planet and Zooners believe in free choice. Thus all prisoners are given the generous option of choosing their own charges from the numerous offences listed in the Highly Charged Manual.
Soon Fiddler was firmly ensconced in his cell, carefully studying his copy of the Manual. His cell had recently been redecorated. The walls had been freshly sprayed with eau de ordure and blood splatters.
There were several inspirational notices in the cell. One was in the form of a rhyme ran like this: "Good night, sleep tight,/ Don't let the bedbugs bite./ And if they do/ Then take your shoe/ And knock them 'til/ They're black and blue." Another cheerfully announced: "If you find any of our guards nasty you ought to see the Chief Warden, Major Disaster." Yet another announced: "Please let us know if you have any complaints and we will make sure that you really do have something to complain about."
The Manual was very user friendly. It started with these reassuring words: "Don't worry, be happy because things are bound to get far worse." It then went on to explain that prisoners who selected the winning combination of charges against themselves stood to win a huge jackpot which they could claim immediately after they had been executed for their self-selected crimes. As yet no prisoners who had won this jackpot had come forward to collect their winnings or even the consolation prizes.
Fiddler perused the possible charges with, all of which were available completely free of charge. They included such irresistible offences as:
Not being a Zooner or even a close facsimile thereof; Breathing in a public place without a permit; Walking backwards just for the hell of it; Refusing to play a constitutional game because you weren't allowed to set your own rules; Losing your mind due to criminal negligence; Smiling without a lawful excuse;
Opening your mouth with intent to say something unacceptable; Sunbathing in the nude with a body likelyto offend; Helping a chicken to cross the road then explaining why it did so; Greeting a head Zooner by placing the end of your thumb against the tip of your nose and wiggling the extended fingers of that hand; Occupation of a farm by an alien with intent to grow things; Unauthorised circulation of a newsletter from a minister holding himself out to be in his prime.
After going through all the available charges, Fiddler summoned his guard. He told him he had made his selection and wanted now to have his day in court or, if it was already dark, to have his night in court.
The guard agreed that this was quite a good idea, but he would first have to consult with his Book of Excuses to decide which excuse he'd use today for not taking him to court. He opened the book at random and randomly chose an item on that page. The page from which he made his selection had these excuses:
Don't feel like it or have a sore foot;
Prisoner was inappropriately dressed for court or prisoner too cheeky to be taken to court;
Prisoner offered a totally inadequate bribe;
No vehicle or no fuel for vehicle;
No licence to drive the vehicle;
No magistrates or prosecutors available;
No courtroom available;
Courtroom not yet built;
Far too exhausting to go all that way.
But Fiddler was not one to be trifled with in such a trifling manner. He overpowered the guard by reading to him the full text of Tafi's column in the Sunday Snail, which is guaranteed to knock out anyone, even a Zooner.
Eventually Fiddler found his way to the courtroom and demanded a hearing. The magistrate, Mr Flubdub, said he was rather hard of hearing but he would try his best to hear his case. However, before he could speak, the Prosecutor General stood up and announced that he would be appealing against whatever the magistrate decided, even if he did not decide anything at all. The Prosecutor General was smartly dressed in his full military outfit.
He was experiencing some difficulty in standing up straight because he was weighed down by the huge weight of the numerous medals he had been awarded, such as the Grand Order of Legal Creativity.
Captain Fiddler had to think quickly and decide how to respond to this intervention. Back on earth there was a multi-functional, all-purpose incantation that was guaranteed to extricate earthlings from even the stickiest situations. Maybe, just maybe, it would also work on the Planet Zoon. It was certainly worth a try.
It worked like charm and in a Zoon nanosecond, Fiddler found himself in a spaceship zoom zooming back to his own planet. Fiddler was so relieved that he almost wet his spacesuit pants, something that would be inappropriate for a superhero, even one so senile that incontinence would not have been unexpected.
So, dear readers, if you ever find yourself on the planet Zoon with Zooner baying for your blood, just utter the magic words "Kariba Draft Constitution" and everything will be alright again.
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