The Observer (Kampala)
2 July 2009
analysis
Finally, here is the fundamental change: The visionary government of President Yoweri Museveni has invented the magic bullet to all the country's problems.
According to ministerial sources in the NRM government, which has ruled the country for over 23 years, by this time next year, there won't be a single national problem the government will not have completely eliminated.
"The magic cure is ridiculously simple. It beats me to think that we didn't chance on it much earlier," the Minister of Misinformation and National Misguidance, Ms. Mass Iko, told the Analyst. "But now that we have it, all opposition politicians should run and hide because they will have nothing to talk about."
The minister explained that the magic tonic is as simple as taking a problem, renaming it "no problem", and unleashing it on the general public. "We have started with the mother of all problems, Kampala City Council.
For years, KCC has been plagued with corruption, potholes, garbage everywhere, pickpockets and choking traffic. If you had been reading the papers, you would know that we are renaming it 'Kampala Capital City Authority' and all its problems will disappear into thin air, just like that!".
This, she said, is what the NRM government calls "kulembeka" (to be creative).
The minister explained that after solving the problem of Kampala "once and for all", her visionary government will go after the largely incompetent Uganda Police.
"We are going to change the name of the Police from the Uganda Police to the Uganda Police Maradona (UPM).
We wanted to call it Uganda Police Corporation, but we noticed that UPC would sound rather like UPC (opposition political party Uganda Peoples Congress)," she said.
According to the minister, this clever method of solving problems was invented by none other than the greater inventor himself, he of the Nile toothpaste fame.
"By the time we are through renaming everything, Uganda will be known as the United States of America. Don't worry, the peasants will not notice, since both words start with a 'U'.
The last time I checked, the kids benefiting from Universal Primary Education couldn't spell more than one letter at a time. Now you can guess why we are introducing Universal Secondary Education. We have this whole thing figured out," boasted the minister.
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