Lagos — Ialmost had an orgasm last week. Not from having sex or touching myself (you dirty minds), but from the unbelievable series of events that played out across the world. It was great because I was going to do an article on the Super Eagles and South Africa 2010. Thankfully, I was saved from the agony of glorifying that heartbreak with another full page. So yeah, it was a news orgasm!

While Nigerians were still trying to get to grips with the death of Chief Gani Fawehinmi (SAN), another famous death hit the entertainment world. Patrick Swayze, mostly remembered by me for his role in the movie; 'Dirty Dancing' passed away on Monday, September 14th, after battling cancer just like Chief Fawehinmi. Both deaths shook the world and Nigerians in particular as it also brought home the reality of how deadly cancer can be. In between both deaths though, three shocking and dramatic events happened involving three people I now like to call 'The 3 'W's' (because of their surnames).

First it was Republican Representative Joe Wilson that got his 2 seconds of infamy. President Barack Obama was addressing the US Congress when in a move usually only seen in the British Parliament, Rep. Wilson screamed out in the hallowed chambers; "You Lie!" That was a huge shocker as was seen on the face of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Rep. Wilson has since apologised but knowing Americans and their media, it has simply refused to go away. There have been insinuations already that Wilson heckled President Obama because he is racist. Of course, Wilson has denied it but the racism tag has not been helped by former President Carter supporting the fact. Racist or not, I just cannot stop imagining what would become of an opposition House of Reps. member in Nigeria who dares same.

While that was on, tennis' world number 2, Serena Williams played unseeded Kim Clijsters in the US Open Women's Semi-Final. Serena was a set down and was about to lose the 2nd set, when the line judge called out a fault on her for serving with her foot on the line. Serena was livid and went on to address the umpire, allegedly using curse words and profanities. The line umpire reported to the match referee and as a result, the match was awarded to Kim Clijsters.

Serena has since apologised for her actions but people already whipped up racist sentiments too, saying that Serena was judged unfairly by the public because she was black. These sentiments seemed to hold some water when two days later, world number 1, Roger Federer was seen to use curse words while addressing the umpire after he felt Juan Martin Del Potro challenged a point too late. Unlike Serena, his words were picked up by the cameras, but there was no disqualification.

But Kanye West's action at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday was the killer punch. Country singer, Taylor Swift, had just been announced as the winner of the Best Female Video, a category that also had Beyonce nominated. Just as Taylor Swift started her acceptance speech, West walked on stage, took the microphone from her, in front of a large audience and millions of viewers across the world, and made what has now become one of the most popular comments on the internet; "Yo Taylor, I'm really happy for you and I'm a let you finish. But Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. Of all time!" He then handed back the microphone to Taylor Swift. He has since apologised for his action but the damage to his reputation and the resultant backlash has been enormous and seems endless for now.

I sat down and could not understand what a weekend this had turned out to be. As dramatic and as full of twists as Nollywood movies tend to be, I still doubt that anyone could have written such a script with three high profile public rants. The media had enough material to survive on for another week (or two at least) and that of course is every writer's delight!

But while all that went on, I visited the cinema to go see the now (un)popular movie; 'District 9', which was directed by 29 year old first time South African Director Neil Blomkamp and was shot in South Africa. This science fiction movie dealt with life in South Africa when a spacecraft, filled with aliens, arrived in Johannesburg and had no way of returning home. Thus, the South African government had to provide refugee like camps for them to squat in, while looking for alternative settlement arrangements.

One day turned to one week, and then a month and in no time, the aliens had spent 20 years in this camp called District 9. South Africans, who in real life, had just recently suffered serious damage to their image, following xenophobic attacks on foreigners in their country, found themselves in the same situation in the movie as they kept agitating for the ejection of the 'prawns' (a nickname for the aliens). Riots broke out severally but the 'prawns' remained. They had arrived with ammunition that could not be used by humans and mostly only ate cat food. Then, the angle that Nigerians have been crying foul over, arrived.

According to the movie (just so we understand that it is someone's opinion and purely fiction), Nigerians arrived at the camp and set up business. They ran prostitution rings while selling cat food to the aliens in exchange for their arms. They also started trading in alien parts as it was believed that eating these parts gave them supernatural powers. Naturally, Nigerians who watched the movie, were livid!

At about the same time that the movie 'District 9' was released, Sony Inc. came out with an advert for their Play Station 3 product. In the advert, a young man was seen talking to a Sony representative, where he asked to confirm whether it was true that the new Sony PS3 would cost a certain amount as he had seen on the internet. The Sony official replied; "You shouldn't believe everything you see on the internet because if you did, I would be a Nigerian millionaire by now." Once again, Nigeria equals '419'.

That advert, and the 'District 9' movie all seemed to conspire to pull Nigeria down at the same time and Nigerians complained; both online and through mainstream media. Sony eventually budged and withdrew the advert after apologizing to Nigerians. Now, Nigerians want the same to be done by the producers of 'District 9'. In fact, a report over the week, said that the Federal Government has threatened to close down cinema houses that have screened the movie in Nigeria; for being a threat to national security.

While I may not be excited over the way we were portrayed in the movie, (at the risk of sounding unpatriotic) I am still a little hesitant about joining the cry to crucify its producers. The one issue that I had with the movie was that the name of the leader of the Nigerian criminal ring was 'Obasanjo'. That for me was the usual South African xenophobia at its best as it definitely seemed like a deliberate attempt to annoy Nigerians. I would surely want an apology for that. As for everything else; sorry but I think there are more lessons to be learnt there from; as against things to cry foul about.

As far as I am concerned, if ever there was a situation like 'District 9' in reality, I can assure you that Nigerians, like the ones in the movie, would be the first to set up a cat food shop. Not because they want to run a criminal ring, but because they have seen a business opportunity. Nigerians are not known to pass up the smallest opportunity to make money and that is what I got from the movie.

Secondly, if those stereotypes were not remotely true, I do not think they would have termed us that way. Why were they not Ghanaians or Zimbabweans or Chinese? Simply because too many times, Nigerians have sadly portrayed themselves that way internationally! Even locally, there was nothing in 'District 9' that I had not seen portrayed in Nollywood movies over and over again. There is almost no Nigerian movie complete without a visit to the native doctor. People have complained severally about the need to tone down the portrayal of Nigeria's negatives in Nollywood movies, but they have continued to portray us that way and now, District 9 has picked up on it. Does it not mean then, that it must be true about us?

For so many years, almost every American movie had an Italian Mafia angle to it. They killed, duped and ended up going to jail every time. The Italians did not enjoy it; so they simply worked on their image. They may not be saints today, but those movies are no longer made as frequently anymore.

We should not forget that 'District 9' is only a movie and so is fiction (even it plays on reality sometimes). As a result, telling the producers of the movie to kill the movie would not be such a good idea as anyone would tell you that you simply have a right not to watch if you feel offended. Dan brown's 'The Da Vinci Code' took the worst swipe at the Catholic Church. The Church as a result, did not call for a ban to the movie. They simply banned it from being aired in The Vatican. A few other predominantly Catholic countries followed suit. But those who wanted to watch it still did.

Finally, I may be a lay man on this issue but I believe that the practice would be for the Nigerian Film and Videos Censors Board to first see a movie, approve or disapprove it for airing and then rate it accordingly. Why then did it take them three whole weeks after the movie premiered in Nigeria, to suddenly want to pick on cinema houses? Is it not an indication that someone did not do their job properly?

I do not think 'District 9' is a national security threat. What is a threat is the fact that Nigerian students have been at home for months now and we know what they say about the idle mind. Neglecting them might just mean that we are breeding a new bunch of angry young people that we may not be able to handle in the long run. Another threat to national security would be the fact that there is no electricity in Nigeria. A country that cannot as much as empower its citizens is on a sure route to empowering them to be a risk to the larger society. Also, having Nigerians go through the agony of another FIFA World Cup without their participation could bother on national security, knowing that football, which is the one unifying factor we have, is gradually slipping away from our hands.

Do not get me wrong; I would be glad if we got an apology from the producers of 'District 9'. But then, do we want to keep looking for apologies and retractions across the world every time we are portrayed negatively; or simply work on fixing ourselves so that those stereotypes hanging on to us can be shed? Even Rep. Wilson, Ms. Williams and Mr. West realised their mistakes and are now working on fixing the damage to their image. When will we start our own road to recovery? When it becomes cancerous and death is inevitable?

ANSWERS ANYONE?

How deep in recession are we; and when (if ever) are we coming out of it?