Lagos — Mr. President 'I would have made this a very 'very brief petition 'but I did not have the time for a short letter. So take it as it is 'and if you cannot read it yourself 'tell your wife to read it for you 'preferably 'at bedtime - I promise that it would serve like a sweet lullaby and counterbalance the day 's evil news. This petition is good news indeed 'and should ensure that you have sweet dreams. It touches on the fact that I 'a militant armed with my pen and laptop 'have decided to take advantage of the amnesty plan and surrender my pen and laptop at the nearest Amnesty Centre.

As you know 'the pen is mightier than the sword and the rifle - especially when the rifle is not firing at the man behind the pen. But for some reason 'the Nigeria Union of Journalists and its militant members 'unlike the Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta (MEND) 'the Niger Delta Volunteer Force and the other militant groups 'have refused to surrender their pens 'recorders and laptops. But they are not the worst culprits 'you also have the militant Academic Staff Union of Universities 'which armed with their chalks and grey -eared textbooks 'have "kidnapped" our universities at "chalk -point" and are demanding for ransom.

You may not be able to do anything about the members of the Academic Staff Union of Universities (ASUU) because they are all eggheads. And eggheads 'as you know 'should be handled with utmost care otherwise they would break and spill their "yokes and burdens" all over the place. They may mess up the already messed up country. I have been hoping that they would turn up at the Amnesty point in their miserable -looking choir robes (sorry 'I mean academic gowns) and hand in their weapons - chalks 'dusters and books - and be prepared to receive N65,000 monthly along with some training 'alongside people like Ateke Tom and Tompolo 'in the amnesty camps. Since you have refused to pay ransom for the universities so that these militant academic (or academic militant) "kidnappers" of our universities would release these institutions 'I suggest you give them a seperate amnesty package. After all what is sauce for a militant in the Niger Delta creeks should be sauce for an academic in our ivory tower.

I have been studying the situation closely and I am a little confused. My "co -militants" have turned in artillery pieces 'general purpose machine guns 'assault rifles 'gun boats etc. and all these have caught the imagination and fancy of the nation. Crowds usually gather to watch these events and it hits prime time television with ease. This is apparently because the nation is so obsessed with Hollywood action films that they see these oil militants as real life "Rambos." They forget the famous Voltaire quotation that "To hold a pen is to be at war." Nor have they ever heard of the quote attributed to Thomas Brown (1634) "I had rather stand the shock of a basilisco than the fury of a merciless pen."

Of course 'at the risk of sounding immodest 'I am more of a militant writer than the kidnappers. My only fear is how to present my two laptops before the Amnesty people without the people laughing at me. I would have done this a long time ago if I were assured of the crowds turning up and making a hit on national network television and the Africa Independent Television 'For one they may not know what a laptop is 'because they have spent their lives living on guns and pursuing the gun -totting militants in the Niger Delta creeks. They forget that the word "militant" may be from the words "military ant" - some kind of military gadfly who hums and stinks like mosquito. Yes this is what the oil militants have done 'bite the Nigerian economy and leave some malaria parasites in the system causing the country to have "econolaria" - economic malaria.

And so Mr President 'you may wish to direct the Nigeria Television Authority and other relevant media houses to cover the handing in of my weapons. I insist that I be transported in a military helicopter from our office to a nearby airport where the latest presidential jet would be waiting. I would not want to fly in the presidential jet bought by Chief Olusegun Obasanjo for safety reasons - there were too many plane crashes in his time. The presidential jet would then fly me to Abuja and a red carpet reception. You would 'of course 'have to be there with your deputy and cabinet members.

I assure you that I would be leading quite a lot of militant journalists to you on the occasion. And we will surrender not less than a million pens of all sizes 'a million recorders and over half a million laptops. My army of militant journalists who want to surrender include Journalist Field Marshal Ray Ekpu and a host of others. Do please note that these journalists have not been contacted yet to hand in their pens and laptops because I wanted to clear with you first before notifying them. At least I need to have a date and commence the process of the ceremony.

I am also thinking seriously of bringing ASUU members along but I am afraid that 'knowing who they are 'they may decide to subject my patriotic intention to an academic debate. They may convene a "Chalk Handing In" workshop and invite Prof Wole Soyinka to come and speak on it. Prof Soyinka may then come and say that "capitulation is deleterious 'inimical and detrimental to anthropological self -determination and should be employed with suitable restraint ..." By which he would simply mean that they should hold on to their chalks and their principles. Eggheads discuss everything ... better to leave them out 'don 't you think so?

I am also considering bringing the Nigeria Labour Congress which recently demanded for a salary increase. But their unstated reason is that if illiterate militants are going to be paid N65,000 per person 'then workers of the world should unite and ask for more. And no smart person interrupts the NLC when they are singing "Aluta continua."

While waiting for your prompt response I continue to sing '"I surrender all to Yar 'Adua ..."