Tosin Omoniyi
28 October 2009
opinion
Abuja — Gboyega Olorunsiwa's face was aglow with excitement as he read the mail he had just received from Stella, a lady whom he had come to cherish greatly in the last few months. His life long desire of securing a partner had eventually come to pass it seemed. Although thousands of miles separated them and they lived in different time zones, he could also safely assume that Stella's heart was equally beating with exhilaration just as his was.
Gboyega attended one of the premier Nigerian Universities situated in the south western part of the country. A top flight graduate with impeccable upbringing, he had been severally nicknamed 'father' by his course mates and friends back at school, ostensibly because of the fact that no one could confidently identify who he was going out with. Although he was always surrounded by many delectable ladies in school, and his academic profile was appealing to many, he could not bring himself to propose to any. Deep down inside him however, he knew the cause, though he could not disclose this to anyone even though many attributed it to pride. Gboyega could not muster enough courage to make his romantic intentions known, to any of the ladies he fell secretly in love with on many occasions. Few years down the line with a prosperous career and the good things of life at his beck and call, he was flourishing in the United Kingdom, but the problem persisted. At this point a concerned friend introduced the young man to Internet dating.
Wikipedia defines online dating or Internet dating as a dating system which allows individuals, couples and groups to make contact and communicate with each other over the Internet, usually with the objective of developing a personal romantic or sexual relationship. Online dating services usually provide unchecked matchmaking over the Internet, through the use of personal computers or cell phones.
Many of the sites are broad-based, with members coming from a variety of backgrounds, looking for different types of relationships, ranging from business, friendship or even sexual. Other sites are more specific, based on the type of members, interests, location, or relationship desired. Some of the dating sites which are in vogue nationally and globally, include: www- facebook, meelovia, naijaplanet, naijapals, badoo, blackbook, gnaija, naijalovers, and a host of others.
Unfortunately there are many hidden dangers in the world of Internet dating. For one, Internet dating is one of the easiest places for someone to cheat on their spouse or partner. It is also an avenue and place for promiscuity. The danger of long-distance Internet romance is that it is extremely easy for someone already involved with a partner, to go out and cheat in a relatively safer environment. All he or she needs is to create a persona, and have a cell phone or computer. Most times, before someone can verify that all they have been told over the Internet, is the truth, they are already emotionally involved, and don't want to hear the truth, or get hurt by hearing the truth.
Internet dating has proved to be successful for some, but statistics show it is not always successful for many others. The fall out of their Internet dating experience is tears and pain. The numerous horror stories of bad Internet experiences can range from the humorous, to the horrendous. To make matters worse many of these sites are free, with a simple registration being all one needs to do to enjoy the benefits. Thus a lot of people with diverse intentions can gain access to such sites. Most Internet dating websites often have numerous testimonials on their websites, of how various persons met their soulmate or spouse using their Internet dating service. What they won't put on their site however, are the testimonials from people who have had bad experiences!
Internet dating appears to be fast gaining ground amongst Nigerian youths especially the singles. For many it also creates another avenue for the age long barrier between both sexes to melt down. However, is it all tales of romance and fulfillment? Bimpe Oladunni, a sales representative working with a sales outfit in Lagos, probably rues the day she was introduced to dating online. The young lady who had tried unsuccessfully to keep several relationships in the past, finally decided to give Internet dating a try. After linking up online with a partner who simply identified himself as Tola, they struck up a discreet relationship for several weeks, exchanging personal data and pictures for the duration. Eventually Tola invited her over to Abuja, a request she granted without hesitation. They met at an apartment in the area 11, Garki section of the capital city. According to Bimpe it was love at first sight for her. She stayed with her new found love for a week providing him with the pleasures of her body and also money. After their week long experience she decided to go back to her base in Lagos to resume work. This was after eliciting a promise from the young man that he would come over to Lagos to visit her, and continue the relationship. That was the last time she saw or heard from him. Investigations by the distraught lady later revealed that Tola was actually a conman who had perfected the art of seducing gullible females via the Internet, having carnal knowledge of them, and subsequently discarding them. Bimpe happened to be just one of them.
Abdelrahman Muhamad, a Moslem scholar and print journalist, noted that Internet dating is not condemnable going by its merits. He noted that while Islam recognizes the fact that potential mates may meet in variety of circumstances, it is crucial that both partners conduct painstaking investigations into the lives of each other, before tying the nuptial knot. According to him,' it is only by doing such that the problems that beset most marriages today can be avoided. Couples can meet in several ways, agreed, but there must be follow up investigation, to ensure compatibility and a peaceful home.'
However for Deaconess Becky White, a minister of the Redeemed Christian Church of God, RCCG, Internet dating should not be allowed to replace the much more acceptable and credible form of courtship that our forebears practiced. There is the preponderance of deceit and hypocrisy which covers most of the online communication, in such form of dating, she added. She further states that those that practice it are only trying to avoid responsibilities that go with conventional courtship. 'You cannot really know your partner through this weird form of courtship. It is not possible. Courtship is a spiritual thing and therefore demands patience, prayer and perseverance. All these are lacking in online dating. As much as possible, our youths and singles must deemphasize Internet dating, and engage more in the conventional and widely acknowledged forms of courtship,' White enthuses.
An educationsist, Mrs Judith Jeje however maintains a middle course in the discourse. She noted firmly, 'Internet dating should not be totally condemned. Many youths have found friendship and love through it and you cannot ignore this. However, just like any other good thing, it can be hijacked by unscrupulous elements for their own selfish means.'
Ivie and Osa's story is like a fairy tale. After months of dating via the Internet, Osas, a business man resident in Germany, flew in to Nigeria to organize a high society wedding for them. Ivie, a political Science graduate is now happily married to her heartthrob and they have two children. However whenever she remembers the high tempo of the events leading to the altar, a flush of amazement floods her mind, and she thanks God for bringing the man of her dreams into her life. Ivie points out some challenges which she says she still encounters in the marriage. 'Everyday it seems that I am getting to know my hubby more. New levels of his temperament unfold. He reveals certain personality traits, either negatively or positively, which he did not disclose overtly when we were dating, and during our online communication preceding our marriage. He accuses me of same. However, we are wiling to make it work by jointly surmounting the challenges that come our way,' Ivie says.
For Onyinye Ogechi, a special events manger, resident in the nation's capital city, online dating is a viper she would not dare touch with a 10 foot pole. According to her, it is simply an avenue for deceit, lies and hypocrisy. 'Dating online is all about setting and meeting certain specifications, in terms of preference of an ideal mate. We can all become whatever we want to be under the cover of pretence, and a whole lot of these go on during interactions on the Internet. Or else how can one explain a guy proposing to different women at the same time, and the same goes for the ladies, mark you,' Onyinye fumes.
A few weeks ago, Gboyega Olorunsiwa flew in from the UK to walk down the aisle with a lady he was seeing for the first time. At a well attended ceremony with friends and family members gushing compliments to the young couple, the duo promised undying love and affection to each other. Meanwhile in Germany, Ivie and Osas are working hard at building compatibility to ensure a crisis free marriage. Thousands of miles away in Nigeria's commercial hub, Lagos, Bimpe attempts to once again pick up the shattered pieces of her love life and equally mend a broken heart ,while moving on with her life. Ironically, a day before, she flared up angrily at a colleague of hers who innocently advised her to try Internet dating.
Interestingly, the trend continues unabated with its casualties and beneficiaries increasing by the day. One is tempted to ask if online dating is not actually a two- edged sword that ought to be handled with care or is it fear?
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I had a great time reading around your post as I read it extensively. Excellent writing! Love online is in the air this days!
Regards, Online Dating