Kampala — Many rural African women who have not made their marriage formal have no defence against in-laws who lay claim to their son's property

Namuddu pulled her goat by the rope to tie it to a tree near her home when screams stopped her in her tracks. The father to her three children, with whom she had stayed for seven years, had been gruesomely killed in an accident as he rode on a boda boda to school where he worked as a teacher. By the time news got to his family, Good Samaritans were gathering broken pieces of his body into a gunny bag.

For Namuddu's supposed in-laws, this was no time to offer condolences but to share out the man's property.

"We were waiting for the body to arrive," recounts Namuddu tearfully, "when my in-laws accused me of sending mayebe (witchcraft) to kill their brother so I could take over his property and marry another man." Only interventions from the area LC I and a few mourners saved Namuddu from a thorough beating from her in-laws.

"I lived three painful years of self-denial," she says. "My husband was barely earning enough to feed us, much less pay workers. I toiled daily kneading the mud from which the bricks were made. Now they say I must leave the house or follow my husband to the grave," she adds.

The plight of this mother of three has drawn sympathy from friends and enemies alike, but nobody can help her keep what belongs to her and her children. The law in Uganda cannot be her ally either, for her seven-year old relationship with the father to her children is considered cohabitation: he had never paid the dowry nor wed her in church.

Annette Ttendo, FIDA's advocacy director, says about 80% of the women who visit her clinic seeking legal redress are going through similar troubles.

Research shows that there is a relationship between cohabitation and increase in HIV infections in sub-Saharan Africa. A study conducted in urban Zambia and Rwanda in 2001 and 2005 revealed that 55.1% to 92.7% of new heterosexually acquired HIV infections among adults occurred within sero-discordant marital or cohabiting couples.

According to Dr. Richard Ddamulira at the Uganda AIDS commission, research shows that cohabiting couples are at a higher risk of HIV/AIDS infections because some partners fear to negotiate safer sex in order to keep the relationship going.

The Bugisu punish a man who defaults paying dowry by barring him from attending the funeral of his wife upon her death. "You buy the corpse of your wife with twice as much dowry as you would pay for a woman living," says Bwayo Eldad a Mugishu elder in Sironko.

Among the Bakiga and Bafubira of western Uganda, the enjugano (some form of brideprice) must be paid before a girl gets pregnant to pre-empt the wrath of clan elders from the girl's family.

Christianity too keeps in line with African cultures in condemning cohabitation. The Kansas bishops in their publication, Cohabitation Before Marriage see cohabitation as "a threat to marital happiness".

Sarah, a marriage counsellor at St. Andrews Cathedral, Mbale, says cohabitation "takes away the thrill" a newlywed couple enjoys. "The curiosity and the longing which builds up to overflowing levels before the wedding makes the first days in marriage very interesting. But things are messed if there is nothing to look forward to. You've had sex with him, and for some people children. What is there to celebrate?" she queries.

Esther November, an online dating expert, in her article Living with Your Partner holds a similar view. "The time you spend with your partner before you live together can feel like one big date. Once you live together for a while, though, routine household chores can suck the romance out of a relationship."

However, in spite of such telling evidence on the downside of cohabitation, research shows that more and more people are choosing to cohabit. In Uganda, although there has never been a national census of cohabiting parents, research shows that there are more people, especially in towns and cities, that choose to cohabit.

In his book Cultures and Customs of Uganda, Kefa M. Otisso says cohabitation is increasingly setting in, particularly in urban areas of Uganda, because of the breakdown of social customs engendered by modernisation; and high poverty levels that prevent many marriage-age people from meeting the upfront cost of introductions and weddings. Even when a person has the financial capability, they prefer to "test drive" before committing themselves to one person.

Mark, a former student of ICT from Kyambogo University, who is himself a divorcee concurs with Otisso: "Some women have this thing of pretending to be what they are not. Today you marry an angel but when she discovers that she is 'permanent and pensionable' you see her true side."

He adds; "At least 10 years of staying together can guarantee you she's not making up." But whilst a few women would rather they were not cohabiting, fear of their lovers getting involved with another person forces them to cut corners.

"These days good guys are hard to come by. When you find one you need to use all means possible to get him. It's better to fight the war from within," says Carol who herself cohabited before she persuaded her husband to tie the knot.

Abubakar, a teacher in Mbale town, says he started cohabiting out of courtesy. "She began frequenting my home, and when we got used to each other, she began leaving small things like underwear in my house. Before I knew it, my entire wardrobe was full of her clothes. And with the goodness she showed me, it was tempting to keep her around."

Alex, an usher at a church in Kampala, who has proposed to his fiancée to stay with him before they walk down the aisle, feels it is worse to divorce than cohabit. "If I discovered she was barren, what would I do? Live like a eunuch because I can't marry again? No way. I'd rather cohabit than commit an unforgivable sin," he says. In Christianity, the church does not permit polygamy and divorce is prohibited unless infidelity is proven.

Chris, a professional mechanic, says he was forced into cohabiting when his long term girlfriend's father turned down his modest offer of two cows and three goats as brideprice. "I decided to put off the whole idea of marriage but the girl was frustrated. She could not eat for days. We just eloped and now we have a son."

Chris' dilemma is echoed by Ttendo. "Brideprice has been commercialised. Parents are demanding much more and actually it could be the reason that some men cohabit, especially the younger ones, who cannot afford brideprice."

Sheikh Wandera Luutu, a Muslim cleric in Mbale, says: "In my faith, with as little as sh50,000, one can have 'nikka' (Islamic wedding). And unlike other faiths, marriage in Islam is a contract. One can terminate it if they feel dissatisfied.

While the debate on cohabitation rages on, one thing seems sure: there are more people than ever before who are choosing to cohabit.

For Namuddu and her three children, though, only proper legislation can rekindle their hope - which hope can come if the new marriage and divorce bill is passed into law by Parliament.