Johannesburg — WATCHING paint dry would have given me a far bigger kick than that embarrassing yawn of a Soweto derby that played out in slow motion at Orlando Stadium on Saturday afternoon.

Considering that the long- suffering insomniacs among us were healed by that sleeping tablet of a match between Kaizer Chiefs and Orlando Pirates, you have to wonder what the rest of the world must think about our football.

No one can accuse the supporters, the sponsors and the media for not playing their part in trying to make this encounter a memorable event for the nearly 50 countries that supposedly tuned in to watch South African football's premier match. The media hyped this thing to kingdom come and it is no accident that tickets were sold out long before kickoff.

The outrageously dressed fans provided a colourful and carnival atmosphere inside the stadium, transforming the Soweto venue into a uniquely South African kaleidoscope of colours. The sponsors did their bit by arranging a unique press conference that featured the two Soweto sides and the finalists of the Currie Cup -- the Bulls and the Cheetahs.

Images of the rugby players swapping jerseys with their football counterparts were splashed in numerous newspapers across the country and it was now up to the players to keep their end of the bargain. But alas, the players and the two coaches seemingly had different ideas.

So tepid was this encounter that no one would have thought it strange if the paramedics seated on the sidelines had rushed onto the pitch in the middle of the match and checked the pulses of many of the half-asleep players.

Chiefs defender Thabang Rooi - who walked away with the man of the match award after this dud - actually admitted that this latest insta lment of the derby was nothing to crow about.

But Chiefs coach Vladimir Vermezovic and his Pirates counterpart, Ruud Krol, could not understand what the fuss was all about and high-fived each other like high-school jocks after the match. The two happily complimented each other on a job well done, giving a hint that their main goal was always to avoid defeat at all costs rather than try to win the match.

Vermezovic described the result as satisfactory and, amazingly, the Serb elected to disregard the fact that Chiefs could have actually won all three points at the death had midfielder Siphiwe Tshabalala's rasping shot not hit the upright.

Not Vermezovic. He was too busy complimenting his newfound friend Krol. Small wonder then that one bored hack suggested the two lovebirds get a room.

In hindsight, the alarm bells should have gone off when Chiefs - the home side - delayed the start of the match by 15 minutes in a display of sheer unprofessionalism that rivalled the chaos at Noord Street taxi rank.

After agreeing in a pre-match meeting that their goalkeeper, Arthur Bartman, would wear green in the derby, Chiefs - who have long lost their reputation as one of the most professionally-run clubs in the Premier Soccer League (PSL) - suddenly got it into their heads to send out the keeper in a grey shirt that obviously clashed with Pirates' black and white colours.

Chiefs officials initially refused to budge and it took more than 15 minutes for their management to agree to change the offending strip. Bartman eventually changed into his blue training jersey - which did not have the sponsors' logos as required by the PSL - and to complete this embarrassing circus, he returned in a green shirt after the half-time break.

The problem is this match was televised in several countries around the world and they now know first-hand that our league is a circus. Three jersey changes in the same match! Surely that must be some kind of dubious record.

You have to feel sorry for those poor sods who travelled from around the country, expecting to be entertained. They were treated to a second- rate circus instead. What a joke.

Ntloko is sports editor.