Nairobi — Some months ago, a friend who resides in Cape Town called me a lesbian. She did not give me that honourable title because I do the things which lesbians do - which I do not know - but because I sleep late and wake up early and I do not buy pirated DVDs.

Sleeping late and waking up early or sleeping for a short time is nothing new to Kenyans. Bearing in mind the kind of situations GoK mandarins and other venal satraps collude to put us in, sleeping only adds to our nightmares, and we sleep for a few hours for fear that we may not wake up.

Any hard ground

Is it convoluted? Let's break it down. By the time you are laying yourself down to sleep, you are supposed to have solved most of the problems that you faced when you woke up, but in Kenya, whenever you are retiring to bed, or any hard ground, you will be burdened with more problems than you woke up with.

Because of the plethora of problems that weigh you down when you are going to bed, sleeping soundly, or even silently becomes difficult.

You spend a lot of time thinking and worrying about your problems so much so that by the time you manage to fall asleep, it is time to wake up - and face new and bigger problems placed before you courtesy of poor governance.

Are we on the same bed now? I trust so.

My friend from Cape Town decided I am a lesbian because I told some Nairobi Boy who was trying to interest me in pirated DVDs that I have so many things to watch that I do not even get time to watch the L-Word series or the Ellen DeGeneres talk show which airs on weekdays at 7pm with reruns at 1am and 7am.

Taking into account the sleeping difficulties I have explained, the 1am show suits me -- and by the time I struggle and finally get some sleep, it is time to wake up since I have to beat the traffic jam -- caused by pedestrians who run across the highway whenever they see oncoming vehicles, poorly-maintained roads, ill-trained drivers, poorly-paid traffic police, and of course an influx of white Toyotas which run out of fuel or break down anywhere.

When I was called a lesbian by my friend who resides in Cape Town, I remembered something that happened during the days when there still was the Celtel-sponsored Festival of Golf tournament.

I was with very many sports journalists including Charles Nyende and photographer Chris Omollo at the 19th Hole of a Nairobi golf club where we were awaiting the golfers to finish with their swings and join us for the presentation ceremony.

With us also was a daughter of some former minister from western Kenya who lost in the last General Election.

Even though she was working in a public relations firm that was handling the event, she was very combative, like many a Nairobi Gal who thinks every man is out to hit on them - whatever that is.

No matter how polite we tried to be, it was almost impossible to get in a word edgewise.

But when the exceptionally polite Charles Nyende managed to put in a few words and spoke for the rest of us by asking why she was combative, she spew forth numerous invectives which were punctuated by the remark that she does not fancy men or their company because she is a lesbian.

"What or who is a lesbian?" I asked.

"I make out with women only," she replied and then I told her that she is just like me - because I also make out with women only! She went silent, and peace prevailed for the rest of the evening because she must have realised that there are better idiots.

Was I being condescending? Hardly. She looked normal to me and I did not understand why she expected preferential treatment. This is something I have never understood to date.

Hypothetically, there are very many lesbians and gays in Kenya and people mix with them every day without knowing their sexual orientation because they have not gone public. Actually, we can safely say there are no lesbians and gays in Kenya.

This is why I fail to understand why some non-resident Kenyans are calling "locals" homophobes who are persecuting lesbians and gays. What are the rights they want and when did they come out and were told what they can get and what they cannot?

Haughty lawyers

Every society has what it considers taboos. And even those countries where gays openly have rights - and whatever else - did not embrace them in a flash the way it is being demanded of us "locals" by haughty lawyers who are stuck-up in foreign universities and want to govern us through newspaper columns.

Personally, save for the former minister's daughter - who got married through a highly-publicised wedding - I do not know any lesbians or gays, and when it is pointed out to me that so- and-so is gay, I treat it as a rumour.

Whatever it is that they do - which I do not know - is none of my business as long as none of them asks the government for lubricants. The last time I checked, lubrication occurred in a natural way!

Ever since the debate started some weeks ago, those who have been sticking their pens in our eyes have not disclosed their sexual orientation and it is difficult to tell whether they just want to flaunt their knowledge about Christianity, (African) history and laws of countries whose constitutions were written centuries ago.

As long as Kenya's lesbians and gays do not come out of the closet, they may never get the rights that are being demanded on their behalf by non-resident Kenyans - who are so out of touch with realities on the ground.