Beginning from Wednesday afternoon and throughout Thursday last week, for the second time in three years, rumours swept this country alleging that President Umaru Yar'adua had died in a Saudi hospital.

The only tangible aspect of the rumour, if it can be called that, was that Yar'adua left the country in a hurry on Monday to seek medical treatment at the King Faisal Specialist Hospital and Research Centre in Jeddah. The rumours apparently originated from Nigerian Muslim pilgrims who were at Mina on Wednesday and on the Arafat plains on Thursday; rather than concentrate on prayers, many of them sent urgent text messages back home asking for "confirmation" that Yar'adua had died.

Anyway, late in the afternoon on Thursday, the State House in Abuja abandoned its usual secretive confusion in such matters and issued a statement from the President's Chief Physician, Dr. Salisu Banye. He said Yar'adua was suffering from pericarditis. Even though most Nigerians had never heard of that medical term, within minutes, millions of tongues were wagging, with many saying that a man who had such an ailment shouldn't be ruling the country.

Very good. Pericarditis may sound like a serious ailment in Europe, but all those Nigerians who are saying that the President is very sick; do they know what they themselves are suffering from? When you have never seen the four walls of Rochester's Mayo Clinic or of San Francisco's Hospital of the Good Samaritan, all that you go to is a "General Hospital" in Nigeria, what do you know about sickness and health? You probably wouldn't know what is wrong with your own body until you are a few hours away from the cemetery.

So, instead of spreading rumours about someone else's health status, I am advising all Nigerians to immediately have themselves checked for certain diseases that are very likely to result from our own living conditions here.

For example, anyone who plies Nigerian roads everyday, who gallops through the trenches that are called potholes here, who meanders around huge logs of wood that pass for police checkpoints, who dives about to dodge huge boulders left overnight by armed robbers, should better have himself or herself tested for shock. Anyone who has recently plied the Lagos-Benin, Gombe-Yola or the Apapa-Oshodi Expressway should be tested for shock owing to inadequate blood volume, such as haemorrhage, or shock owing to inadequate cardiac output, such as pulmonary embolus or cardiac tamponade.

In particular, any recent visitor to Abuja who drove his jalopy old car at high speed over the Aliero Speed Breakers should quickly be examined for abnormal stress of the bones, such as nerve injury, osteonecrosis, osteomyelitis, or for injuries to the periosteum, cartilage, tendon and ligament.

Instead of spreading rumours, anyone who recently drank water from a Nigerian river, pond, lake, stream, spring, geyser, creek or lagoon, as multitudes do, or even from a Nigerian pure water sachet or water tap, should have himself examined for diseases of the mouth and pharynx such as mouth lesions and tonsillitis. Anyone who went further than that and ate in a Nigerian roadside bukateria, as millions do, should better be examined for digestive system disorders such as peptic ulceration, intestinal obstruction, appendicitis, diverticulitis, dysentery, haemorrhoids, pancreatitis, heartburn, nausea, diarrhoea and gallstones.

Maybe you didn't eat in a bukateria, but anyone in Nigeria who is dependent on the Power Holding Company of Nigeria [PHCN] to deliver electricity to his house should better be examined for sleep disorders and for reproductive system diseases such as syphilis, prostatitis and puerperal infection. Any Nigerian woman who was waiting for PHCN power supply to recharge her phone and continue spreading rumours about the President's health should better have herself examined for menstrual disorders such as amenorrhea and dysmenorrhoea, or for acute toxaemia and a possible ectopic pregnancy.

I heard that many women sat up in labour rooms of General Hospitals all over Nigeria discussing Yar'adua's health status. Is it not more useful for them to have their own babies examined for childhood diseases such as transplacental infection, idiopathic respiratory distress syndrome, erythroblastosis fetalis or the diseases of later infancy such as infantile diarrhoea, chicken pox, mumps, rickets, tonsillitis and polio? Every Nigerian mother of a teenage child should worry about disturbances associated with adolescence such as acne, adolescent goitre and psychological disturbances, including drug experimentation, rather than worry about Yar'adua's health.

A major arena for last week's rumours was the cabin of aircraft as they criss-crossed Nigerian skies. That was amazing because anyone who enters a plane in Nigeria, experiences a turbulent take-off through harmattan haze and only just evades low-level wind-shear should immediately have himself examined for cardiovascular diseases and circulatory disorders. Rather than discuss someone else's health, better check to see if you did not get acquired heart disease or other diseases of the arteries, veins and capillaries.

The most active conveyors of last week's rumours, I heard, were undergraduate students who recently returned to school after sitting at home for four months while a tripartite staff strike lasted. Very good. Have they had themselves examined instead for diseases of the outer eye such as sties, squints and conjunctivitis, or those of the inner eye such as cataracts, detached retina and glaucoma? Any young lad who was away from a lecture hall for all those weeks needs to test his ear and hearing, including examinations of the skin, cartilage, glands and follicles of the outer ear.

I hear that last week, retired Nigerian railway men, policemen and retired soldiers spent hours feasting on the rumour about Yar'adua's health. That's amazing, because while waiting in endless queues for verification of pension lists, I urge all these retired men and women to have themselves examined for muscle diseases such as Cushing's syndrome, muscular dystrophy and muscle rupture. Every rumour-spreading retiree should be examined for skin disorders such as blisters, ulcers, sunburn, dandruff, impetigo, eczema, chronic granulomatous inflammation, hair loss and prickly heat.

Other major rumour purveyors were people queuing up at bank ATM machines to get some money for the Sallah holidays, as well as brokers on the Nigeria Stock Exchange floor. Really amazing, because anyone who has money in a Nigerian bank these days or is holding the share certificate of a Nigerian "blue chip company" should be examined for breathing disorders and respiratory diseases such as influenza, pulmonary tuberculosis, hay fever, farmer's lung and bronchitis.

Even politicians, I hear, sat down and shared in the rumour. Very amazing, really, because anyone who joins a political party in Nigeria deserves a thorough check for infectious and contagious diseases, including small pox, tuberculosis, leprosy, typhoid, botulism, poliomyelitis, trichinosis, anthrax, malaria, tetanus and rabies.

I was quite surprised to hear that Nigeria's army of youthful football fans also engaged in rumour mongering last week, while they sat in viewing centres to watch European football matches. Look, any football fan that followed the Super Eagles' convoluted route to qualification for the World Cup already needs a thorough check for nervous system diseases such as demyelinating disorders, craniocerebral trauma, and epilepsy.