I can stomach the daily Presidential bashing coming from opposition figures. The hungry critics are waiting in vain to be rebranded - they will die in wait! It is when foreigners join the fray that I simply lose my cool.

I am about to lose my cool with the foreign bodies who from time to time throw stones at our glass houses.

Only a few days back, Transparency International attempted to negatively rebrand Nigeria's corrupt-free slate by ranking us a rotten nation. Coming after Madam Waziri nearly missed the Nobel Prize ceremony, who does not know that the UN is angry because Adua chose to launch a Saudi university instead of jetting to New York to shake Obama's hands?

Thank God for ruse of law officer Angel Mike Aondoakaa who clairvoyantly explained that what TI saw was only the smoke from the kitchen of Lamido Sanusi only to start shouting that our was on fire. I promise TI that next year we would be the purest country in the world since Mr. President is not around to sign usually fat Christmas cheques and his deputy's fingers are numb from Harmattan cold.

The United Nations Development Programme, UNDP has declared that 50 per cent of Nigerians are poor. Of course we know it's a lie! Who told them so? How did they arrive at that figure? Where did they carry out their research? Who carried it out for them? Surely not the women's wing of the PDP who have been singing - Nigeria don better since PDP don dey rule. In fact, that is the more reason why I should ask them which time they carried out this research.

Years ago, before the hen lost its tooth, an attempt was made by some opposition figures to say that there was massive poverty in the land, and a certain minister responded by saying that Nigerians were not feeding from the dustbin. He should know because he was a net rice importer! Years after, Nigerians realised his ingenuity and launched the 'yanbola - an army of able-bodied, elegantly dressed Nigerians who recycle foodstuffs and odds and ends from dustbins. We must thank that minister for discovering a gold mine and the boys for tapping into it. It is true that those dustbin millionaires are still around today, they can be seen pulling their luggage around the city; after all only the rich have dustbins.

No government has paid as much attention to agriculture as this government. Nigeria has a vast expanse of arable land and the PDP in the past twelve years have turned this vast asset into a goldmine. That was why a Nigerian pilgrim nearly divorced his wife when she imported a holy bag of rice from Saudi Arabia. She, like the UNDP was trying to paint Nigeria in translucent colours. Nigeria is a rich country; in fact we are the world's seventh producer of the black gold and where there is oil poverty melts like butter in December sun.

Nigerians are so rich they all rotund and obese that government has to find a unique way of making them exercise. One such way is to sometimes create artificial fuel scarcity so as to make the obese burn out their fats at filling stations or trek home from labour office. In the process some greedy boys who try to make illicit money are arrested and their fuel confiscated to tank up police and civil defence patrol cars. The white marketers miss the essence of the artificial scarcity which is to force the fat like me to reduce weight? So, where are the 50 per cent poor?

Poverty is alien to Nigeria. Seventy per cent of Nigerians live in opulence in rural areas. Unlike the drones in the cities, they have divine electricity in the moon and stars which are constant and hardly fail to appear except during heavy rains, all these maintenance free. The rains provides clean water and in the dry season they are made to trek long distances to find water and reduce weight. Sometimes, their children could be seen crouching under trees to learn because research has shown that it is not only cost-effective to learn that way, but also environment-friendly.

Imagine the amount of carbon that zinc roofs emit and the disservice of subjecting a young child to sitting on hard benches. Why can't UNDP see that children who learn under trees are better geniuses than those who learn in air-conditioned rooms? So where did the UNDP get 50% poor Nigerians? The roads to the rural areas are not paved, yes, but that's because coal tar is also not eco-friendly.

We have recently removed health and education allocations to tar one city road after research revealed that new cars exhibit the state of a nation's wealth than troublesome educated and healthy people. We are tarring city roads for N450 billion, let UNDP do the dollar calculation and reassess us.

This is not a common road, it promises to have gold-plated lay-byes, platinum overhead bridges and silver bus-stops -first in the world! To save Japanese and German companies we have crippled our electricity company because we are not as selfish as others. I could talk ad infinitum about our altruism but I won't because I don't want a poor state like America to come and overrun my country as they're doing in Afghanistan or as they did Iraq. We're not poor, we're camouflaging.