It is the season of ultimatums and every Nigerian of voting age knows a thing or two about ultimatums. Soldiers, our ex-rulers are best at giving it. They want anything done with immediate effect and they are equipped with the gun, the jackboots and the koboko to get it done.

If you think am lying, fly past Mogadishu Barracks without using the pedestrian bridge and without a military uniform and you will know the truth. So it is little wonder that persuasion hardly gets anything done, issue an ultimatum if you have the mandate and see how quick things change.

Only last week, our sleeping petroleum minister woke from his slumber, rode to the penthouse of NNPC Towers, gave an ultimatum and phew, an eastern wind blew off the long queues ensnaring foreign paparazzi for weeks since Christmas. The aftershock was felt in Lagos and to those of you think that just because pilgrims pass through your airport, you can call it international, you better think twice. As far as petroleum products are concerned if it works in Lagos and Abuja, the rest of the country can blame their crown heads.

A wicked friend of mine says that Rilwanu Lukman did that just to escape the impending Jonathan shake-up and make Nigeria keep paying for his flight ticket to his lucrative consultancy jobs in Vienna and other parts of the world. To a man who did not get a share, the booty is called haram! Rilwanu, carry go! The problem with ultimatums is that you need the coercive force of a soldier or a Lukman. It is said that Barkindo, the NNPC fat cat (no pun intended) is the man's right hand man.

For instance, if residents of the FCT have the force, they would have given Aliero an ultimatum - to ask the contractor building the overhead bridge to nowhere along Mogadishu Barracks to shift down a little and save residents of Kugbo from the danger of being overrun by speeding cars as they cross the road. Kugbo has real residents but Sunrise Hills belongs so far to rats and snakes. In real democracies, residents vote governments to deal with the rats...under PDP, I can't vouch for that order of things.

And that is not the only ultimatum we would have given. Take for instance, an ultimatum to the same Aliero to remove the car-wreckers he and the management of Oceanic Bank have erected on public highways in Abuja; or the traffic lights that have turned driving into a nightmare every 500 metres. But we do not have power to give such ultimatum and so, we clap and shout when he told us that the illegal fee he has been charging us since July is now reversed. What we do not know is whether we could sue him for making us lose plots and money etc etc during the period.

Before you accuse me of picking on Aliero, wouldn't you rather that you had power to issue an ultimatum on Rilwan Babalola not to appear either on tv or in any medium until he can at least guarantee electricity to Nigerians four days out of seven, for starters? I mean, the gangling young man is as reliable as NEPA/PHCN. Even when Umoru gave him an ultimatum to generate 6000 megawatts, he gave the impression that he had complied, but now he is telling us that he has only 2000 megawatts left.

The rest has been stolen by the Emir of Borgu! Doesn't that make you wish you had an ultimatum to give to pericarditis? I mean, we would have ultimately asked Umoru to return from Saudi and at least change the faces of the non-performing ministers that have been littering the political space since he last changed them? I mean, not that we should expect real change, but at least maybe they can change the faces so that somebody else's brother or sister can be called honourable before the true meaning of honour.

I love ultimatums. I mean, we could have given an ultimatum to Michael Aondoakaa to pack up and go until he has seen a legal dentist. Now I hear that a group from the south have given a seven-day ultimatum to David Mark to either make sure that their son is made acting President or...Well, I didn't truly know what they would have done in the event that their ultimatum is not met. But heh, doesn't it just make you love Nigeria? I mean, I woke up this morning and warned my wife to make sure that I have a steaming plate of pounded yam with egusi soup and bushmeat every other day even if she is suffering from acute fever. Now, that is an ultimatum I can enforce, except that who knows, the NCWS or any other NGO may be out there reading this. Shall we also give an ultimatum to Dr. Goodluck be a performing acting President or else...