First, may I not forget to belatedly wish our children a happy Children's Day in arrears. Blessed are you beautiful children, for yours is the national debt. May you all have the capacity to repay and the strength to forgive NOI for doing about turn. Aaamen.
As children, you should know that the President of the Feral Republic has discovered that shoeless children could often end up as intellectually clueless leaders, and as a result, he is making sure that he reduces the import duty on used tyres.
That way, at least most of you who walk on land can afford durable home-made slippers and by extension create employment for local cobblers. Before those of you in the creeks start being jealous of your landlocked friends, this also means extra patched tubes to navigate the polluted waters since the chances of being eaten by crocodiles is reduced by oil spills.
I hear some of you children say you can't wait to grow old.
For many of you HIV/AIDS has brought the future a little too early. Remember to pray as sinless souls, that the Excess Crude Account is not completely depleted by the time you get here. A usually reliable source says that $3.4 billion was withdrawn from that account between January and April this year.
This means that, if by chance oil prices fall below $45 per barrel, your future as undertakers of the National Debt may be very difficult indeed.
I will speak to the president on your behalf to set up another committee to see how you can manage this mathematical crisis. With a few committees reviewing the first committee's work, you'll be old enough to understand when its all done and dusted.
Today, I wish to add my voice to those of millions of fresh-air-breathing Naija to congratulate President Jones on this occasion of the first anniversary of his reign.
His goose luck has granted him a deserved one year of sleeping over the fatigue of traversing the length, breadth, height and width of our vast nation, distributing the incentives of his promises.
The effect of his somnambulism is felt in all federal universities where he allegedly emerged as a national study has revealed that less than 60% of university teachers have a Ph.D. As if anybody cares! Who has seen, heard or quoted from the President's doctoral thesis? But the effect has been felt in faith-based universities who are short on inventions, on impact or discoveries but mighty through God in fee hikes. Let us hope they can hit the N1 million per term benchmark at the end of your first term. As for the federal universities, they are the soul that sinneth, they shall die.
I am ashamed of the opposition. They have offered no shadowing nor proof they can do better; rather they are dozing critics who sometimes act as unofficial time-keeper of your regime. They opined without asking either Abati or Maku that your government is characterised by armed robbery forgetting that no Egbesu man has ever been caught or tried for that crime.
They talk about kidnapping without spreading the map of Naija to pin-point the exact area where this pastime thrives. They talk about resurgence in oil theft as if the oil belongs to them or as if you have stopped them from frying their groundnuts; selling their desert sands to any international buyer to earn foreign exchange or failed to support the bid to starve Oyibo children of chocolates by hoarding cocoa.
They talk about communal clashes as if you are teacher who failed to discipline communal 'two-fighting.' On Boko Haram, they were fair in correctly describing you as the Mourner-in-Chief but failed to recognise that you are 'on top of the situation' fanning the embers vigorously. On the Transformation Agenda; it would appear they have not been watching NTA to see Lame Pat's Sweet Sixteen figure since she overhauled her kitchen, composting Basmati and Thai rice in favour of the cluelessly rich Abakaliki and Bida variety. They forget that you now eat lafun bread with the dexterity of an Ota wizard with full tribal marks.
Our country has made remarkable progress by all standards. Days from now, we plan to upwardly review the tariff payable on national darkness - evidence of the value of blackout on the National Shock Exchange. Naija has transformed and only the blind fail to see it.
Some have said that this president is user friendly to corruption forgetting that corruption is the palm oil with which governance is eaten. No apologies to Chinua Achebe who prefers buggers and has refused all entreaties to come and join the chopping crew.
President Jones has done more for this nation within the first year than anybody trying to sleep off two years of being a spare tyre, one year of acting presidency and one year of a stolen mandate. There is no need to recommend him for another term, because the Assembly of Thieves and Rogues (no apologies to the Wizard of Ota) is working day and night to ensure a constitutional amendment that will ensure he stays longer to disperse fresh air from the villa to all parts of the country. And if they fail, well, there might be other ways of keeping on until the nation is stabilised enough to conduct another selection. A Go-On-Shohun or tazarce might help supporters of our great party benefit from a N470 billion windfall which could have gone to Professor Jega's moot court.
Happy Anniversary President Jones, may your road be rough!