The Observer (Kampala)

13 November 2012

Uganda: Sex Talk - Sync Your Schedules

Some people enter marriages when they are already boxed in their way of thinking, especially when it comes to how to make time for intimacy with children and relatives in the picture.

Some couples handle it so badly, by chasing their spouse's relatives from the home citing silly excuses, when all they are yearning for is that intimate space and attention. Come on; there are ways around that.

It is also widely believed that sex should only be limited to the wee hours of the night, when the entire world is absolutely asleep. Or presumably. But think about the man and his wife stuck in the bedsitter they share with their five children - I have actually seen a couple with more, plus dependants, all in that one room.

Don't they ever make love, then? Of course they do; how else would their brood grow that steadily? So then, does it happen with unwilling spectators? That is what I thought too, but unless they are totally lacking in tact, every couple should learn to schedule their sex life in sync with other factors in their home, as opposed to totally giving up on the sex because of those factors.

For example, the guy stuck in a bedsitter with his entire brood is most likely the same guy who smartly comes home for "lunch" when the children are away at school. Well, assuming his wife is also not away for work...

One wife said she struggled with a basically sexless marriage for so long, not because she and her husband did not love each other anymore, but because of the other factors under their roof: a maid across the corridor, children bent on watching their favourite TV shows until late, a mother-in-law visiting, scared toddler crawling into the marital bed at 3am...

Inevitably their sex life was limited to a certain time of the night, if at all. Then they saved up and added a guest wing to their modest house, which the maid moved into and then they went ahead to rewrite the children's bedtime rules.

"On school nights, the children have to be in bed by 7:30pm and the maid in her quarters around the same time," she enthused. "That way, we rediscovered what we so much enjoyed about each other before our babies and their nanny arrived. We can walk around the house naked and giggling like the old days, and enjoy each other's company beyond the bedroom walls."

In return, it has injected a much-needed dose into their limping sex life and brought back true intimacy. Every marriage needs that. Sync your sex schedule to your children's or even guests' schedules. Programme this so immaculately, and you won't feel like your style is being cramped.

Some couples feel the only way to enjoy lovemaking in their marriages is by going with spontaneity; well, as many soon discover, spontaneity in a marriage is fast-replaced by timetabling if the spark is to be kept alive.

Otherwise, if you always wait for the spontaneity juices to bubble up, it may be quite a long wait as job schedules, parenting and a social life dictate otherwise. Instead, schedule the sexy into your day.

Planned sex is not always boring. If anything, it can be quite something to look forward to if your execution is known to be memorable. And planning allows you to excel at what you put your mind to, without resentment, because you won't feel like the job steals the thunder from your sex life and vice versa, or that the children have cramped your intimate style since they arrived.

Allow yourself some flexibility. It pays.

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