Mr Ruto, Mr Uhuru, how are you best buds doing? No need to cringe this is a nice letter. In fact to kick it off, have a high-five, heck have two.
Don't you simply marvel at the sheer myopia of all of us? Tell me, how often do the two of you kick back with a whiskey and laugh your arses off every time you pick-up the paper, go through social media sites or watch the news.
Your ribs must be aching from laughing and I say to that - more power to you. The two of you know and I know and in fact we all know, that you have no business talking about the presidency or even the elections of this country at all.
But look at the number of ways we are willing to crash and burn with you? Allow me to itemise the ways in which I applaud you. I refuse to pretend that you're not doing well.
I have said this often enough on my show - you guys know exactly what you want - the rest of us are clueless and even if we know, we are too daft, too myopic and too pretentious to say or do anything.
In years to come, you two will form the content of political debates in university campuses from here to Yale. You will be celebrated, in fact right now, if the world wasn't still focused on Hurricane Sandy, Obama's Four More years and poor, poor David Petraeus, every international journalist would be here talking to you, covering you.
As a tag-team, you are the stuff of urban myths and legend. Allow me this morning to sing your praises:
1. Your sense of entitlement knows no bounds. Not only do you believe you ought to be sitting in the big house, you don't believe anyone else has the capacity or even brains to do so.
Apparently, only the two of you and your ilk have the right to the "good life" while the rest of us need to go to the ballot and cast our vote in your favour, or else....
The fact that your utterances and attitude smack of the worst sort of entitlement and arrogance means nothing to most if not all Kenyans.
They are lining up like groupies at a pop concert to see or be seen to be with you. These people don't even believe they are entitled to a better life, nor are their children, in fact perish the thought.
Have you noticed how Kenyans don't seem to think they deserve better than you two? A master stroke on your part. Well done.
2. The fact that you have already decided the election and in fact I do recall you have even decided how many seats you want and should get. It's another award winning reason to cheer you on - and loudly.
Can you believe it? You actually, bluntly and oh so arrogantly have decided how the election must and should go, even before we have registered as voters and in fact, for you, we are wasting time even going to all that trouble - is another reason I personally must applaud you.
Mr Ruto, I recall reading you saying you must be given half. It's like a kid who asks for the i-Phone 5 for Christmas, well aware that his folks have lost their jobs and are about to be evicted from their home. The sheer gall of it must be admired.
3. Have you noticed how every lame politician who's clearly aware that their chances of ever being re-elected even on a village school board is running around yelling TNA?
Uhuru, creating this party was genius on your part. You have enough pets on a leash to do everything and anything including lick your tyres if you asked them to.
The most desperate, most fickle, most yellow bellied of the lot is lining up to lick your boots because they need campaign financing and they know on any other ticket - they'd need to work - on your ticket, they are hoping to ride a wave. Be wary of this lot though - they would sell their own children.
Two things- keep welcoming them and keep tabs on how much you give them and ensure you make them pay it back with interest. Remember Matiba?
Don't let them use you as a financial tap and abandon you - because they will. But so far - well done. You have grown men and women idolising you in the same manner a 22-year-old feels about Lil' Wayne. Let me hear you say "ah yeah".
4. You have to tell me the secret of how you have managed to hoodwink the traditional and social media into becoming your campaign tool - and positively so.
What Rasna Warah said about an apocalypse for Kenya is very true. Have you noticed how this article hasn't gone viral, yet rubbish like who's moving jobs between NTV and KTN is the talk of town?
Have you noticed how none of the other truly "big independent" columnists have bothered to lend their voice to hers? In fact they act like the mere notion doesn't exist.
How much? I'm asking because, if you're dishing it out, it must be mind-numbing amounts of cash that the media are willing to watch you attempt to send us all down dung creek without a gas mask.
If it isn't chums then it's witchcraft because there's no way you can tell me that media are so vacuous, so daft we haven't understood that telling the people of Kenya what the stakes are is our mandate.
After all - Kenya is an ongoing concern and the sun doesn't rise and go down at your command. Anyhow - cash or witchcraft - bravo.
The Fourth Estate is your mouthpiece for the asking and that is commendable. Peter Kenneth is buying and paying for ads - you are getting anywhere between 2million to 5million shilling worth of space daily - for free! Come on!! That is skill.
5. Lastly, I must say that the sheer prowess and stealth with which you have managed to silence industry captains and every Kenyan who works for a living - people who have massive investments on the line and even the young men or women who just started their own businesses, or jobs.
People who have children to feed and educate, the student who will graduate and start looking for a job and has dreams of a future - what you have done to ensure none of these people is speaking out about the fallacy of a possible repeat of 2007/8 - is jaw-dropping.
Between the three of us (me and the two of you), you won't believe how many of them are wailing in the clubs and fancy 5 star restaurants, bars and even chama meetings about decreased business, shoddy occupancy in our hotels, slow business and their own investments fears should you be elected in 2013.
These yellow-bellied characters who lost close to everything in 2008 and watched as you picked yourselves up like nothing happened, are now sitting hand in head yakking about "what's going to happen?"
Can you believe it? They have the sheer might to remind the electorate that a repeat or escalation of 2007/8 is not an option.
They have the vested interest and the critical mass (there's only two of you for heaven's sake) to go all out and remind Kenyans that we owe it to ourselves and our needs to be selfish about our future.
But noooo - I have a feeling a few of them are seeing you by night (wink, wink) well once again - good on you. I don't know how the people who have everything to lose and nothing to gain by your continued stirring of tribal emotions and wishy-washy coalition and alliance talks are letting you get away with it, but they are.
Man! Hats off to you! Gentlemen, this is not tongue-in-cheek, I applaud you. So the next time you meet up for a drink, raise a glass to me. I have no beef with you whatsoever.
You know what you want and you're going for it - the rest of us don't know and that includes the other presidential aspirants.
They're also watching you. The two of you are a class act and anyone who claims not be as amazed as I am is either a liar or a fool.
Bravo! Carry on.