New Vision (Kampala)

Uganda: The Male 'Detoother' Syndrome Is Here!

Her cell phone rang for barely a second and it went silent, (the art of a perfect beeper). Immediately, she looked at her phone, she went silent mid-way a sentence, holding an expression of utter surprise and she mumbled: "He just beeped me." Immediately, she whispered 'detoother,' and the girls agreed with jeers and sneers.

To them, for a man to beep a lady is an outright sign that he is after her money, especially if she has a well paying job or an impressive job title.

Thanks to society's changing trends, women now hold jobs that come with hefty pay cheques. So, where does this leave men who earn less?

Martha, a sales executive with a Tobacco company, says she needs to find out if her boyfriend is with her because of her pay cheque.

"I earn a lot more than he does and I often help him out financially. Sometimes, I wonder if he loves me or is only interested in the financial support I offer him. He is by all standards a handsome man, yet I am average, even though he tells me looks do not matter to him and tries to reassure me that he loves me."

She explains that she pays for the meals, buys him whatever he needs and she also services his vehicle.

"I want to stop doing that to find out how he will react, but I fear that if he truly loves me, it will ruin our relationship.

His expenses are a drop in the bucket for me so it would not be right for me to suddenly say no when he asks for something."

So, if you are a woman in a situation simillar to Martha's, how would you find out whether he is with you for your money or not?

Men with no career ambitions

Phoebe Bisaaso, a relationship counsellor with WADE ministries, warns that a man without career ambitions and yet he is comfortable spending your money, is definitely a gold digger.

"Even if a man has no job or is employed part time, but seems to have ambitions to better his career, it is not a big deal if you are financing part of his upkeep.

However, if he is the kind that does not bother to look for a job and is content spending your money, run!" Bisaaso advises

He has expensive taste

Much as he is not contributing to the bills, he always suggests the most expensive restaurants, has a penchant for expensive shirts, trendy jeans, the latest smart phone, all at your expense.

Bisaaso adds, "What is more he is always quick to suggest that you go shopping together, but you never foot the bill together. And when it comes to holiday getaways, they are quick to suggest the most expensive, but not how much they will contribute."

Priscilla Birungi, who has fallen prey to a male detoother, said, "His conversations were boring. He often bragged about his designer shoes and cologne which I had paid for, to his friends."

He asks you for money

In his eyes, you are the ATM machine. Money for this, money for that, the list is endless. He never stops asking you for it. They always ask you to lend him money, which he will never pay back.

His financial troubles are not his fault

Beware of a man who never takes responsibility for his inadequate funds. He is either blaming his family for taking his money or his boss for not promoting him or a business deal gone bad.

He is very interested in your salary

Noella Mutesi, a boutique owner, learnt a hard lesson. "One does not have to live with a 'detoother' for a very long time to unravel his plot. He will ask you about how much you earn before asking your second names." When a man seems more interested in your job and salary than getting to know you, take to your heels.

Lorna Namusisi, a customer relations officer, warns: "Is your boyfriend a habitual beeper? Ladies, if on top of perpetual beeping, he asks for airtime, he is no doubt a detoother. Run for your life," she says.

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