The Star (Nairobi)

Kenya: Are You Dating a Psycho?

ARE YOU DATING A PSYCHO?

EMOTIONAL CASE: One moment she is blue the next she is a red fiery ball. Sometimes she looks tame and cute and then when you bring a finger close to her lips, she bites it off.

TENACIOUS: She constantly demands your attention.

There are nice women who behave well, act normal and, by all psychological standards, can be considered sane. On the other hand there are some crazy women who, by the same psychological standards can be considered imbalanced nut job. How can a man spot and avoid this nut job, otherwise known as a psycho?

She is extremely jealous:

You cannot talk about other women around this woman. Other women in this case include your ex -girlfriend and do not exclude your sisters, your aunts, your grandmothers and your mother. Discussions or conversations about any female person in your life are strictly prohibited.

Her argument:

She is the only woman in your life. Your ex girlfriend is a figment of your past and should not be mentioned even in jest.

You are a grown man now and you do not need your mother's bosom. Your sisters should find their own men, just as she did by finding you.

You cannot spend time with your female friends either because everyone is a threat to her and your relationship and by alienating them, you are doing well in proving that you love her, you respect her and most importantly, you are faithful to her. And, no she does not want to meet them and see that they are actually nice people who can be her friends as well.

She controls your life:

You are her gadget and you will do as she tells you or what the programme in her head says you should do. She has an opinion about everything you taste, touch, smell, feel, hear and see.

She makes all the decisions and chooses all the things you buy and decides where you should or should not go. The creepiest thing is that she always knows where you are by simply calling and asking you where you are in a tone that will stop any treacherous demon from lying.

You may try to be a man and protest, granted, but she will threaten and intimidate you so much that your tail will go so far between your legs that no one including her will see it.

Her argument:

She owns you. She knows what is best for you. You are not very intelligent because after all, men are like big babies and they need direction and firm guidance.

Everything must be done her way and within her timelines otherwise she will take you on a long arduous guilt trip that will make you buckle and surrender, as you should.

She makes paranoid assumptions:

This woman is not psychic, neither is she a charmed one, but she sees things. Big, bad and nasty things. She sees things that you cannot see like the hole in your jacket pocket which she is one hundred percent sure is the gateway to the seam where you hide the key to an apartment where you keep another woman.

This is despite the fact that your payslip cannot afford a Mpango wa Kando. If she does not find the key after ripping your jacket into pieces, she will demand to know why and where you are hiding the key.

She also sees things that you can see; only your eyes could be seeing a woman in a nice fitting suit while her eyes are zeroing in on a woman in a latex bikini, stilettos, red lipstick and a whip as accessories.

If you get home late, she sniffs your body, your briefcase and your car. If you do not answer her call, she calls her private investigator to track you down.

If your boss is a woman, she will make sure you lose that job. If your male friends are single, she will not let you go out with them because they will shower you with women of all wonderful sizes and shapes.

To counter that, she will call and send messages to your friends, warning them, insulting them and generally displaying stalker tendencies.

Her argument:

She has intuition. Her sixth and seventh senses are always right. She is not crazy when she comes to her very 'valid' conclusions; in fact, you are the loose cannon that needs to be tethered.

All your friends want you to break up with her and all the women in the world are madly in love with you and lust after you because you are the hottest man on earth.

She threatens to hurt herself or commit suicide:

You know the story of the boy who cried wolf. This woman is the grown up female version of this boy. The only difference is that she cries 'suicide' so many times that the grim reaper does not even want her dead because she may cause him more trouble and work than he needs by dying over and over again.

She does have that powerful sixth sense as much as she uses it for dismal purposes. Her sixth sense will warn her that you want to leave her or that you do not really love her.

Her brain will tell her that the only way to keep you around is to tell you that she is going to kill herself. This message can be passed verbally or better yet through a note that will throw you into a panic only to find her later on the balcony caressing a fistful of birth control pills and a glass of vodka with mascara tears running down her cheeks.

Her argument:

Death is the ultimate threat. You are a wimp who will not want someone's ghost on your trail, especially the ghost of someone who caused you so much misery.

This is Kenya and before the police, the guy who does the post-mortem and the courts figure out that it was a suicide you will have spent twenty five years in remand and she knows that you are fully aware of the inadequacies of the judicial system. She owns you body and soul till she dies and after she dies.

She gets physical in arguments:

She will beat you up. At first she will slap you, and then slap you four times, add another ten slaps and cap them with heartfelt apologies.

You will assume that you deserved the slaps for forgetting to bring the garlic sauce that goes well with the Turkish pizza. The next time, she will throw the pizza at you and break a vase on your boots.

Occasionally she will scratch your face for changing television channels or for that deep-throated snore when she is trying to get into her bedtime reading.

Her argument:

Your mother did not discipline you well enough. You do not know how to treat a woman. She can beat you up because she is a woman and women are weak therefore, you as a man should be able to take her slight beatings without protest or retaliation. Beating people is the only way to earn their respect.

She stalks you:

You are good prey and she cannot afford to lose your scent. For that reason ,she will follow you physically and technologically.

She will ask you where you eat, drink and the gym you go to. Once she has your schedule to a tee, she will disarrange her own schedule so that it allows her time to snoop into yours.

She will follow you by car and on foot, call you as she follows you just to confirm that you are really going where you are supposed to go as per your schedule.

She will send you those annoying, "Where are you?" text messages just as she walks into the bar where she expects you to be drinking.

She will hire a private investigator to follow you around and hack your phone while she is busy at work or in the salon. In other words, she has all her bases covered as far as your whereabouts and your company are concerned.

Her argument:

She is not stalking you, she is watching you. You are her poodle and she is your master. It is in her best interests to forget her own life and focus on yours because from the moment you started dating, the two of you became one inseparable mass of cells.

She emotionally unstable:

One moment she is blue the next she is a red fiery ball. Sometimes she looks tame and cute and then when you bring a finger close to her lips, she bites it off.

Today you are the love of her life and tomorrow you are a toad with warts, bad breath and an insufferable attitude. She will laugh at you when you cut yourself and cry miserable tears when you win the lottery.

Today she behaves like a toddler, tomorrow she is a 40-year-old corporate guru and the day after tomorrow she is a teenager complete with bubblegum and a Barbie doll.

This week she is hard as rocks the next week she is the basket of eggs on your favourite chair. You want to sit on the chair but you dare not.

Her argument:

Unfortunately she has no argument for this, just a bag of emotions. She tries to see the sense or nonsense in her behaviour but she does not see it.

She needs constant attention:

You have eyes only for her. You tell her all the nice things in the world despite yourself. You must hold her hand and kiss her in public.

You must cram all her favourite dishes on restaurant menus. You must tell her that she looks good in all her hideous hairdos.

She expects you to call her several times a day. If you do not do any of the above ,she will throw a mega tantrum, preferably in public; which tantrum will embarrass you to your early death so the best thing to do is give her the attention that she demands

Her argument:

She is perfect and you are a fool not to see that she is perfect. You are lucky to have her.

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