The Observer (Kampala)

13 December 2012

Uganda: Saggy On Homosexuality

Ugandans have been urged not to succumb to any pressures from some Western Countries to embrace homosexuality. This follows threats by america to ... ( Resource: Preacher's Plea On Uganda Over Gay Bill

Recently, I strayed into one of the upscale hangouts in town.

On entering, I noticed that the quorum had more boys than girls. Unbothered, I sauntered to the bar and ordered for my drink. Soon I was getting drink offers from total strangers, something that never bothered me until the person I was waiting for came to pick me up.

He then whispered to me that the place I had walked in happened to be a gay pub. Immediately, I remembered one burly guy with a chest the size of a Fuso truck eyeing me from behind. He rolled his eyes up and down my entire body, probably telling himself 'wow this chap is so leggy!' I applaud him for his taste (spotting a good-looking person when you see one) but unfortunately I am not homosexual. I only do chicks!

Imagine all this was happening in my friend's presence and when I am still bowled over by lewd pictures of Chris Mubiru that appeared in the papers about a week ago. The pictures showed the old-goat working away the behind of a young boy with the precision and pace of a sewing-machine needle!

Well, I was not shocked by the pictures since I had heard about this Mubiru chap's 'ANAL-ytical' ways of dealing with boys. I was shocked by the way it brought Ugandans together. For once, everyone condemned the act; it didn't matter what your political, social, religious or tribal affiliation was. Ugandans for once spoke with one voice.

And I am here thinking what the heck is wrong if one man chooses to bang another man? As long as they are two consenting adults and your own butt has not been touched, I do not see why you should be bothered. I believe homosexuality contributes to our global popularity as a country.

How many times does the world get to talk about Uganda out of our other values like corruption, theft and Idi Amin? I believe if we shot all homosexuals, our name would be on every single lip in the world (I wonder what government is waiting for). And every tourist would flock here to witness first-hand how these people are shot.

Me thinks we should just register all homosexuals for easy identification. All the sexually active ones should get a personalized car number plate from government that reads 'BUM-SAKATA'. Then after this, we just ignore them as they go on with their business. Trust me, after four decades, they would have disappeared like dinosaurs (since there is no reproduction in their business).

Alternatively, with the various miracles in this world, who knows we might experience a biological miracle one day. Yes, we just might bump into two homosexuals in the baby section of the supermarket... pushing a pram. This would be the biggest story of success!

The writer is the chief Shirt-o-logist at SAGGYtee's, A T-shirt branding company. He can be contacted on 0714445367

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