The Observer (Kampala)

Uganda: Sex Talk - Good for the Goose, Good for the Gander

Sex bans are stereotypically a wives' domain. But have you heard about husbands who have to be begged for sex in their marriages? Total nightmares.

There are wives that pride in their ability to come up with a fake headache today, bad mood swings the following day, and imaginary menstrual periods a week later, just to avoid making love to their husbands - they always have their justifications ("he is an irresponsible husband", "he is a bad lover", "his libido is insatiable", etc).

But then there are wives living on the edge; they don't remember the last time they were 'properly loved' in their marriages, because of husbands that come to the marital bed and stolidly face the wall.?"To think that there are women out there complaining of their husbands wanting too much sex!

I am at breaking point in my marriage, due to the sex bans that come with my husband's every mood swing, bad business deal, or even 'important' visitor," Maria (not real name) said in an email responding to a previous column. Maria, like many other wives who keep quiet lest they are labelled 'mischievous' for having a normal libido, is finally understanding why some wives are led into the infidelity trap.

"I don't have any hang-ups whatsoever about sex, contrary to what stereotypes out there say about women. I have actual physical needs but I am tired of the begging, seducing and cajoling for sex in my marriage..." she said.

A woman who is "not in the mood" can be pushed to a compromise by a persistent husband; try that with a husband who is similarly battling the "wrong mood"!

"What really pisses me off is the fact that we women are expected to do whatever it takes to make sure our men are happy in bed and yet they totally take us for granted. I am actually beginning to think my husband wants me to cheat.

Otherwise why would he spend a month without touching me, maintain a coiled posture, sometimes sleeping on the couch or in the children's room? The bottom line was when he did not find it necessary to show me some love on our wedding anniversary," Maria wrote.

When Bert (not real name) called his wife's room at the hotel she was staying in during a work-related seminar, a male voice picked the phone. At an odd hour of the night. Huffing and puffing, Bert drove to the Mukono hotel in the middle of the night to collect some cheating exhibits. ?His wife was candid about the fact that cheating had indeed almost happened that night, and when Bert was done smoking through the ears and listened to her reasons, he realised his mistake.

Due to work stresses and a busy schedule, he could hardly remember the last time he had properly made love to his wife. Instead, he would come home with a pile of work from the office and burn the midnight candle in his study, after dinner. ?His wife, battling a forced 'fast' for so long, had finally seen a juicy meal and was about to tuck in, when the phone rang...

At least that marriage was salvaged by the husband accepting he had opened the temptation door.?In many other marriages, men simply assume that women have not much of a libido to talk about; all they have to do is be available when sexually needed by their husbands and then preserve themselves on ice for later - could be two months, could be more - when they are next needed. Snort!

This is even worse in polygamous marriages. You have eight wives and hope that by the time you come around to quench wife No. 8's thirst she will have been thereeee, in the freezer, waiting for you to do the needful and thaw her out? Good luck on that. ?I do not condone infidelity of course; all I am saying is, be realistic.

It is very normal for your wife to love her conjugal duties and rights as much as you do; even more.

Just like you hate being put on hold at critical kick-off time by her citing a faked sickness or the "I will join Junior in his bed; he gets nightmares" line, learn to stretch beyond life's stresses and fulfil your duties to your wife, regardless.

Don't be like some male motorists I know, who like to see how much further they can push a car's fuel tank after the red light comes on; you should see their faces when it sputters to an embarrassing stop in the middle of a busy street.

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