The Star (Nairobi)

5 January 2013

Kenya: Noah's Ark

Noah's ark was built in seven days not because there were no problems that time, but because people believed in God more, and they argued less about God's commands.

Fast forward to today, and Jack is taking the heavenly call.

God- "Jack! This is your Lord calling!"

Jack- "hell yes God indeed! When did you learn to speak English?

God- (agitated) "Jack! Are you swearing in vain in your God's presence? Anyhow, I know you are all sinners out there but you are my right hand man. I want you to build an ark to save yourself from the floods that I am intending to bring down to the world."

Jack- "yea, yea, yea! And this is my right foot. Why don't you just will it and it will be there? After all, what can't God do? Just leave me alone."

God- (now getting upset)" Jack! Another word from you and I will make you a snake. You will crawl on your stomach all your life."

Jack- (very worried now. He has a feeling that it is really God calling) "Ok! Ok! No need to shout. What is an ark?" God gives Jack the master plan with all the architectural dimensions. Then he concludes, "You, your wife, your sons and their wives are the only ones who will be in the ark with the animals. You will be the ones to replenish the earth with humanity while the animals you chose will repopulate their kind. You have seven days to do this before I bring rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Now go forth and do what I have commanded!"

Jack-"wo wo wo! hold it right there Lord! How do you expect me to do all that in seven days? If at all I have to do that, I will have to ask you for an extension of time! First I have to constitute a committee of experts to determine the authenticity of this conversation. Then I will have to get permission from the forestry department to get to the forest and harvest the best timber. Then there is the National Environmental Authority to deal with. They also have to set another committee to assess the impact the timber harvesting might have on the environment. After all that has been done, I will have to draft a contract, complete with the cost of labour, publicity, and of cause my professional reward. By the time you sign the contract, it will be two years. Please Lord, you have to delay the rains for me to prepare!"

God- "Jack, I am not a person like you. I don't sign contracts. Just go and do it or I will chose someone else to do it and survive the floods and you will die with the rest!"

Jack-"alright. I will see what I can do once I get a commission of inquiry to verify that it is true I talked to you. But dear God, you must promise not to let the Dutch know about this conversation. They will annul the building of the ark and render my contract null and void. They will say that floods are nothing to worry the world. They even brag that you created the world but they built Holland. And take note of the Russians and Americans. They have things they call subs (submarine vessels) that can float or sink in the water as they please. If those people get to know that they will die, they will defy the floods and I will not be alone to refill the world!"

After Jack has done the ark, if he does it at all, he would encounter the biggest challenges ever. He would be required to undergo an integrity test to satisfy the people that he was the best God could have, to start the next world. He would have to go through DNA to verify the paternity of his children. Women will flock the entrance to the ark claiming they are his wives, and they have the right to be in the ark. Children will be paraded at the ark, claiming to belong to him, and he would be required to resign from the business and die with the rest. But since he would rather die than resign, it would be upon God to think again. That is why God will never talk one on one with the people of today.

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