Dear Cabinet and Politburo members
COMRADES, I welcome all of you into the New Year, the year of our good Lord 2013, the year that we will be showing the whole wide world what a great party ZANU-PF is.
I would want to believe all of you were able to recharge the batteries in readiness for the work ahead.
As for me, after my traditional vacation in the Far East, I am raring to go ... these are some of the benefits of annual vacations. I now really understand why it is imperative for people to have time off. After cooling off for sometime, people return to work reinvigorated. This is exactly how I feel now. I just cannot wait for the day I will go on the podium to set the election campaign rolling.
Thank God 2013 is finally here! This is the year we are going to hold our watershed elections without fail ... elections that we have to win resoundingly and return to the good old days when we used to run this country exactly the way the people wanted it run, without having to worry about Morgan and his Western handlers.
This time around we have to show in a practical way that we are serious about breaking free from this Government of National Unity yoke ... I started talking about "elections this year" two years ago ... surely if the empty talk is to continue, in future no one will ever take me seriously again. That these elections will be held under the current constitution is no longer in doubt ... I am glad that both sides have made spirited efforts to ensure that the constitution-making process yields nothing. If ever there is going to be a constitutional referendum, I don't see how it can interfere with our election plans that are already underway.
As part of the resolutions made at our December conference held in Gweru, we have to get ourselves ready to win these election so resoundingly that even our worst detractors will have nothing to say. This can only be achieved if you Cdes go the extra mile - like you have always done - in mobilising maximum support for the party. This, coupled with a lot of people-oriented programmes that the party is spearheading, would certainly guarantee us a clean victory.
May I again implore you Cdes, never to put your own personal interests ahead of those of the party ... always think if the decision you are about to take is for the good of the party before you take it. We have to remain united and these upcoming primary elections will put this unity to test.
I am told quite a lot of younger members of the party will be contesting in the coming primaries so that they can have the privilege to represent the party in the elections. I appeal to some of you senior members of the party not to take it personal in the event that you are challenged.
This is the only way the party can remain strong and rejuvenated as well.
Quite many of you joined the party at a later stage ... imagine where you would be had you not been accommodated by those who were senior to you ... and also consider the long term effects to the party if no fresh blood is not regularly infused.
Anyway, let us get into the trenches straightaway.
AND NOW TO THE NOTEBOOK
It's the beginning of yet another year. For CZ and others this routine has been going on long enough to be boring were it not for the fact that we are blessed to be at the right place at the right time ... this part of the earth called Zimbabwe at this point in time.
If there is anything that we should ever thank God and the gods for, it is the blessing that we are Zimbos...a cloyingly eccentric people that the world keep on struggling to understand. Small and marginal as we might be, we pride ourselves in hogging disproportionate world attention ... we make it a point of Spartan honour that we get attention at all cost for we simply cannot afford to allow the world to ignore us out of existence. If things cannot happen on their own, we stage-manage something ... the most laughable of them all was the anti-sanctions signature campaign! A-ah, by the way last year Zimbabwe introduced to the world another novel show ... Mr Ugly contest!
With the constitutional referendum and elections being threatened this year, we will get more than our fair share of world attention, let alone from the "miracle money" that our able men of God are also threatening us with.
Our only fear is this prophesy of great walls collapsing because they are too old ... and in the process, trigger massive deaths.
Believers like CZ are starting this year in the queue ... ready to benefit from the prophesised riches that God and the gods are going to be blessing this country with ... we just cannot wait! Wait and see.
CZ is worried about one thing ... how to make sure that foreigners and those Zimbos who fled when things were very bad do not crowd us out, the most deserving ones. Surely there should be a way of making sure that only those who deserve this blessing get it. CZ is told that a certain political party has already started telling people that these prophesies are just but testimony that the owner of the sky himself is 100 percent for indigenisation and economic empowerment. Well!
CZ is not impressed with reports that the Zimbabwe Republic Police will soon be conducting a lifestyle audit on its members - starting with those in the notorious traffic section - in an attempt to reduce corruption within its rank and file.
Someone should be charged with high treason ... for trying to cause alarm and despondency in this country because if such an audit were ever to be conducted, the entire force would be cashiered away ... with disastrous consequences to the nation ... as almost every officer would be found guilty in one way or the other. The big question here is who is not corrupt in this country? Just bring one clean person to CZ and you will be rewarded handsomely!
Among several New Year's resolutions that CZ is seriously considering is the possibility of stopping exposing the goings-on in many newsy-rooms in this country. While he is commended by most colleagues, there are some, quite a few, who really get livid every Thursday morning.
Late last year, CZ was even accused of writing newsroom stories in exchange of beer! There was a case of a senior staffer at this daily who threatened to fire subordinates for reporting their issues to CZ. The brother even went as far as trying to snoop into their e-mails just to find out who was getting in touch with CZ. We are told that the HR department at the media house is also keen to know which members of its staff still befriend CZ. He he he-eh!
Well, CZ is yet to confirm this story about homosexual tendencies in one newsroom. And talk of going an extra mile, CZ is told that a colleague has taken professional brotherhood a step further...going to the extent of inheriting a dead colleague's widow!
CZ is impressed by the growing list of professional colleagues who are reportedly readying themselves to contest for legislative posts in the coming elections. This is the provisional list that has been doing the rounds of late: Grace Kwinjeh, former Zimbabwe Mirror (MDC-T); ex-journo, publisher and Makonde MP Kindness Paradza (ZANU-PF); ex-ZBC reporter and Mberengwa East MP Makhosini Hlongwane (ZANU-PF); ex-ZBC disc jockeys Ezra Sibanda and Eric Knight (both MDC-T); ex-ZBC news anchor Supa Mandiwanzira (ZANU-PF) and ex-ZBC announcer James Maridadi (MDC-T); For Daily News staffers William Bango and Luke Tamborinyoka (MDC-T) as well as former ZBC reporter Robert Tapfumaneyi (independent).