Daily Trust (Abuja)

27 January 2013

Nigeria: His Excellency the Governor's Ghost

opinion

Those who ask people to learn from their mistakes have never heard of Naija, the land where necessity is the mother of invention. In Naija, we are so wise, repeating other people's mistakes is not an act of foolishness, because very often, the mistakes are is perfected and transformed into habits. Imagine, while we loyal citizens were waiting to see President Jones' 2013 bag of surprises, his enemies want to hit his balding head against the rock of offense, They him to void the seats of the ailing governor's who are 'absent without leave' as if all deputy governors are called Goodluck. By asking President Jones to declare a state of emergency in states whose governor's have gone on health pilgrimage, they are tempting the man to piss on the constitution the way his quondam godfather and mentor, the Wizard of Ota did without repercussions.

This kind of call reminds me of King Sunny Ade's classic album Mo ti mo, in which he recounted how he flouted the order not to potty on an expensive cloth, earned him no retribution. That was then, KSA later found out that it takes listening to wise counsel to be become the Golden Mercury of Africa. Just because the Wizard of Ota could piss on the constitution without repercussion, there is no guarantee that shoeless Jones can do it to militant applause?

For good measure, shoeless Joe is not clueless when it comes to handling power (not electricity - stupid). As MKO Abiola would have put it, only a mad man would stand in front of a moving train. That includes coaches, which usually belong to the museum of antiquity but run to deafening applause of transformation in Naija. Elections are only months away, anybody asking the president to confront the Governors' Forum is wicked.

Shoeless Joe knows how to keep an eye out for trouble. That explains why in his interviews with foreign journalists, he usually looks sleepy with disjointed thoughts and bad grammar. Those who attribute it to the over consumption of shekpe are not totally fair. Besides, this president subscribes to the kind of all-night prayers that only pastors with direct lines to heaven hold.

This president would not share his historical glory with anyone. The doctrine of necessity has never been used before it was applied to his case, it is the President's prayers that it will never be used on any other instance; and for good measure, we have said amen to that before the presidential ration is depleted. In this dispensation, nobody would break this world record with the president.

I am shocked that those whose governor's are absent are complaining. Looking at what is happening in the states whose governors are not in medical asylum, I should think that these people should be hoping that their governors keep away. There seems to be a coordinated agreement by the Governors' Forum to exterminate the poor from the land. If they are not banning okada without providing alternatives transportation; they are demolishing shops, stores and houses and re-allocating the land to the suckling and their unborn foetus.

Wise governors have learnt from Umaru and the Cabal, who smuggled the controversial 20-second clip that gave birth to the doctrine of necessity. As they say in Warri, wetin eye never see? Smart governors have learnt from this, they now photoshop old photos for distribution to the unquestioning media, which publishes them without paying or giving credence to the magic photographers.

Here is my advice to the Governor's Forum, and I promise not to send any consultation fee. Since it appears we cannot find physically and mentally healthy people to vie for public office; we must prepare for the lacuna created by health pilgrimage, accidents and air crashes, which may lead to being AWOL, coma or paralysis well ahead of time. Whenever a governor is coroneted, his first job would be to stage a series of interviews anticipating all sorts of emergency situations, including death. He is also made to pose for different styles of pictures for the archives.

That way, when the inevitable happens, his friends would simply dust up the clip relating to the occasion, take it to London or America and get it aired to the citizenry. If that does not work, they can call a photo taxidermist who would transform a life-size image of the governor into an effigy. Of course, only the appointed cabal need know this. This zombie can then be comfortably seated in His Excellency's official car with the window wound down so people can see as his siren wafts through town and then to the backdoor of government house. Subsequently, the prepared tape is aired where the governor thanks his fans and loyal lackeys for praying for his speedy recovery apology to Shina Peters.

This way, the executhief governor enjoys his pilgrimage in peace and if he is dead, he can be preserved in a secret morgue and his aides made to swear to an oath of secrecy in Okija Shrine while his wife continues to earn his salary waiting for his fat emoluments. This is my recipe in the hope that heckling civil society activists are not reading this. As Fela would put it, this plans na between you and me. If Kpaduma Hill Governor's Forum, gets a bill, it must be a yahoo ploy to defraud them. Not me.

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