The Star (Nairobi)

Kenya: Eight Reasons a Woman Will Walk Out of a Relationship

You have found the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. Every time you see her your conviction grows. Very soon you will pop the question and make things official.

Then out of the blues, she tells you that she is breaking up with you. Shocking news to you because you are certain that you have been doing everything right as far as the romantic interaction between a man and a woman is concerned. However she has her reasons for walking out:

You did not give her the attention she needed:

Women can be compared to children, the imperative word here being 'can'. They are not children but they can be compared to children. They need attention.

They need to be hugged and cuddled, called several times a day and assured of undying love at least once a day. Your woman needs you to look at her. Really look at her. See what she is wearing, its colour and its fit and say nice things about it, because at the end of the day, she wore it for you.

Listen to her when she talks or pretend that you are listening to her by looking into her eyes as she speaks. She will appreciate it when you listen to her and notice little things about her like the highlights in her hair.

She will not be happy if you do not show the slightest interest in her and what she likes. Woe unto you if this happens because, like it or not, she will leave you and look for someone who will worship the ground she walks on.

Jackie Mutua, a 33-year old teacher, states that she broke up with her boyfriend because he seemed to have no time for her. "His priorities were his car, his English Premier League team and all these document from work that he had around him all the time. I was somewhere down the list and I did not like it one bit.

I tried getting his attention by being mature and immature too, but it never worked. He only looked at me when his manly urges needed to be fed, if you know what I mean." She says that she had enough when he left her alone in a restaurant on her birthday to go and watch soccer with his friends.

You did not appreciate her:

This woman worked hard to make the relationship work. She listened to you, gave you a shoulder to lean on, supported all your stupid ideas, put up with your quirks and stood by you when no one wanted to come near you and your problems. The least you could have done is to appreciate her efforts. You did not need to buy expensive presents for her.

Little things like holding her hand in public, cooking for her and surprising her by cleaning the house before she wakes up will make the woman stay with you.

But you are a man and in your head and by how you were raised a woman should do things for a man. That is how it is supposed to be. Her duty is to stick by you and you are not required to be grateful to her for that. Right? Wrong.

The moment you fail to show any appreciation, she will feel like you are taking her for granted, and that feeling will encourage her to call it quits.

Faith Wamuyu a 24 year old law student lived off campus, with her boyfriend of three years . She did all she was able to for them to be comfortable and to have a good life, taking care of him when he lost his job and supporting him until he found a better one. All this was done with money from her HELB loan.

"I was with him through thick and thin," she says "but he did not seem to show me that he appreciates all my efforts. I had to juggle my coursework and taking care of him. Immediately he got a job, he became quite the tyrant. All of a sudden I was a 'campus chick who knew nothing about life'. I got the hint and moved back to campus because after all, I was a campus chick who should have been focusing her energy on school not a loser."

You cheated:

No woman wants to stay in a relationship with a man that cheats. Cheating is a sign that a relationship is not working. The moment you cheat, you break her trust in you, and she will walk out on you without a second thought.

Yes you may ask for forgiveness but a clever one knows that once a man eats apples from another garden, the apples in his garden will never taste the same to him. Even if he comes back home.

Patrick Cheramboss, 28, regrets cheating on his girlfriend to this day. "It was a big mistake that cost me the woman of my dreams." He adds that all his efforts to get her back were futile because she did not trust him enough to start afresh.

You did not offer emotional support

Women require emotional support. The need to be loved and to be connected with their partners is stronger in them than it is in men. She will stay in the relationship as long as you give her the emotional support she needs.

Hold her when she cries and if you are so inclined, cry with her. When she has a problem with her family or friends, take her side even if you know she is wrong. When she is happy and you are having a bad day, try your best to feign happiness for her sake. The moment you mess with her emotional balance, she will find the door.

Diana Kirigha, 32 says that she would walk out of a relationship if her man does not support her emotionally. "If he cannot take care of my emotional need, what is the use of the relationship? There are other men out there that will be willing to do so. The most important thing for a woman is not money as most men think; it is peace of mind and the unwavering support of her man in good and bad times."

You are not intimate:

When you make a woman feel that you are with her only for sex, she will not stay with you. Women search for intimacy, which translates to physical connection with or without sex.

Any psychologist will tell you that a woman's idea of intimacy is not the same as a man's. A man goes as deep as sex. A woman comes from eye contact, taking walks together, sitting in silence, listening to music, talking about your feelings, drinking wine, talking about your feelings some more and then after all that, she will go as deep as sex.

Jumping all those guns even when you mean well, will make you look like a very bad man who only wants to sleep with her. And if that is all you want, the least you can do is tell her that before you get into her pants. If you tell her after getting the goodies, you will find yourself in an unnecessary misunderstanding and she will tell all the women who care to listen about you and your errant ideas of intimacy.

You do not have any ambitions:

Ambition is one of the key ingredients women look for in a man. The more ambitious these women are, the more they will look for a man with whom they can move forward and shape a bright future. If you are already in a relationship and you show no signs of supporting yourself or working for a better life, she will not stay another minute.

"I am an ambitious woman, why would I choose to stay with a pathetic man?" asks Grace a 40 year old dentist, "This world full of opportunities, I expect a man to take them and keep striving for more."

You are too controlling:

There is a difference between protecting your girlfriend and controlling her. A woman wants to feel safe and secure. She does not want to end up in the hands of a dictator. She needs her freedom and not a man that keeps telling her what she needs to do, what to wear, where she needs to go, what time she needs to get home and sleep. If you want her to stay, be easy on the leash.

"If I feel that the freedom to do what I want is under threat, I will leave," says Priscilla Bitutu, adding that a controlling man will eventually lose her trust and respect. She is therefore better off on her own than with such a man.

You are abusive:

Abuse can take different forms: physical, emotional and verbal. If you are always belittling her, making her feel unworthy and bad about herself, you are abusive. The same applies to having a short fuse, being overly critical and being deceitful. Nobody wants to be in a relationship that is toxic.

"No matter how loving you are, the moment you show any signs of abuse, I will leave you. I do not care if we have a dozen kids together. I will leave them with you because they are yours and I would not want to be reminded of you by a child who keeps asking me where her daddy is," says Jane Juma, who was in an abusive relationship five years ago.

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