columnBy Bra Gee
As we prefer to make friends and not enemies at the usual place, we will say it was all meant to be taken in humour as we love to take a satirical look at life from the bottom of our glasses. That is why we placed ourselves and all other regulars on the list and admitted that no one is immune from moments of foolishness. But that does not mean we are fools, just mere mortals who occasionally fall into folly.
We are sure that we have saved our teeth and our good friends will come around to the usual place and buy us a round soon.
Meanwhile another group is also looking for the usual place because they think we did not say enough. A barrage of information on the purported misdemeanours involving the sale of some non-existent assets by one of our friends has been coming our way as people urge us to take him to the cleaners.
But we have to respectfully decline and say that maybe they should take their issues to the police and the courts as Bra Gee and the regulars have no powers to arrest and prosecute anyone. And we really prefer to just watch, drink then comment.
We have come to believe that as much as Zimbabweans pretend to express sorrow when someone dies they actually like funerals and would like to see people die.
How else can you explain the fixation with other people's infirmities or demises, real or alleged, that seems to grip one section or the other of the populace depending on
whose health is under the microscope?
And we are deafened by the silence from our good friends, the leaders of the other usual places who all seem to have lost their healing and prophetic powers.
Surely these are missed golden opportunities for someone to miraculously heal the ailing or let us know when we can expect to have the wake.
Surely it is no good to predict the deaths of some unknown artists on dates not given or the demise of some old woman who used to be the premier of some country that is far away. We would prefer to know about those closer at home.
It is not that we share the morbid lust of the hounds, no. It is just that we like useful prophesies that we can make something out of, not some nebulous vague pronunciations that are open to any interpretation to suit any development without giving us any advantage is having prior knowledge.
But it is a bad wind that blows no one any good. So we are happy that the latest outbreak of morbidity has brought dear Elizabeth back home. We are certainly glad to have her brightening presence to look at beside the other not-so-pretty visage.
Poor, poor criminals
The story about the poor convicted criminals serving sentences at Chikurubi who have gone without water for ten years almost made us cry into our beer. Living in a city where taps are often dry, while the super humans squander money on luxury cars we could empathise and sympathise greatly with the poor, poor criminals.
Until we remembered that their victims are also waterless on the outside. Then we began to think that there is something quite unwholesome about the constant obsession on the part of some quarters with the human rights and welfare to those who do and not a little squeak about those who are done unto.
Why does no want to come up with some NGO to cater for the victims of crimes. We know a number of regulars who have staggered home in the wee hours to find the house cleaned by some intrepid housebreakers. They have identified the culprits who have been arrested and jailed.
But the regulars have not recovered a single item and would sure appreciate having a support group that compensates them. You know an NGO that replaces your old round belly TV with a brand new flat screen. And that is not an opening for a lecture on insurance!
Another waste of time by Zesa
We were appalled to hear that someone has approved some multi-million dollar scheme to move pre-paid meters to the top of poles so as to avoid meter tempering.
Of course we would like to see the people who steal our electricity thwarted because they are causing an unprecedented population explosion among the poor due to the blackouts that always prevail in these cold months. (The rich have generators and inventors and solar-run gadgets to save them from their baser instincts.)
But this security measure does not sound like something that will solve the problem. Our brains may be a bit addled by too much of our favourite tipple, but we fail to understand how simply moving the meter to a pole will stop a determined thief.
Is ZESA going to outlaw the possession and use of ladder? Does anyone realise that no ordinary Tendai or Jabu dares tamper with electricity wires, especially the main lines? We are not out to accuse anyone of anything, but we sure think that it takes people who know what they are doing to bypass a meter.
And we think these people who know what they are doing might just have mobile ladders to get to the top of any pole in the country. And maybe they also have uniforms to wear so that no one will question their right to be up that pole at any time.
So you see why we are afraid that several millions of dollars later, we will still be busy procreating instead of watching the world cup or whatever. But who are we to argue with the people that we pay so much money to think for us?
Till next week, bottoms up!