Kenyans wait with bated breath as the ICC judges Chile Eboe-Osuji, Robert Fremr and Herrera Carbuccia take a much needed commercial break to decide on what will be the game changer in the Hague trials. Last week, the judges at the International Criminal Court (ICC) heard oral submissions on whether the prosecution has presented sufficient evidence to compel sitting Deputy President William Samoei Ruto and journalist Joshua arap Sang to present their defence.
Not ones to be left behind or out in the cold on issues that touch close to their hearts, Kenyans in their own peculiar manner have been trying the ICC on social media.
And for every ounce of flesh that ICC Chief Prosecutor Fatou Bensouda has meted out against the suspects, Kenyans on social media have retaliated with one pound of spare ribs a.k.a. nyama choma (roast meat) and kachumbari (tomato, onion, pepper and avocado salad).
The first person to be tried is none other than the former dramatic ICC chief prosecutor Luis Moreno Ocampo. The social media trials have passed the verdict on Ocampo as a poor, lazy prosecutor who did shoddy investigations to please the Western world and to perpetuate the Western agenda of making former opposition leader Raila Odinga the president of Kenya at all costs.
Ocampo's criminal charges include refusing to open the Waki envelope, believed to include 20 names, and only naming six suspects in a rather politically-motivated fashion. Three were from the Orange Democratic Party (ODM) whose presidential candidate was Raila Amolo Odinga and the other three from the Party of National Unity (PNU) whose presidential candidate was incumbent Mwai Kibaki. Ocampo's verdict is that he was guilty of being an impostor by pretending to be a prosecutor when he was simply a rumour monger and a very big liar.
Second on trial is former Pre-trial Judge Ekaterina Trendafilova. Ekaterina, although declared by many on Facebook to be as beautiful as some mermaids seen off the coastal island of Mombasa, is accused of acquitting four of the Ocampo Six and sending Ruto and Sang to the wolves without enough quality evidence to stand a full trial. Ekaterina is blamed for letting some of the allegedly guilty suspects free and going for small fish like Ruto and Sang, who did not even stand as presidential candidate in the bungled 2007/8 elections.
Third on trial is the current Chief Prosecutor Fatou Bensouda who is accused of allegedly paying witnesses thousands of dollars to give evidence and wanting to use her "thorax" forcefully to convict despite lack of evidence. Her biggest crimes include being too fat, being Gambian, being used by white men to prosecute only African leaders and refusing to act like a woman. Her wild dreams of making Ruto and Sang omnipresent in all parts of Kenya at the same time - so as to torch houses, loot supermarkets in Mombasa, Kibera, Kisumu, Kakamega and Central Province while simultaneously burning people in Kiambaa - have been dismissed as 'laughable'.
Her greatest 'crime against humanity', according to some people on social media, is coaching witnesses to tell lies against the accused, failing to protect ICC witnesses and letting some disappear or die because of poor witness protection procedures, then shamelessly pushing the Court to use recanted evidence. Her "outrageous" claims that she has enough evidence to jail Ruto and Sang, therefore preempting the judges' final decision, has seen her dismissed as an empty debe (tin can) who makes too much noise and a reckless prosecutor.
Those whose homes have been infected by bedbugs know that when an exterminator takes over, the bedbugs are smashed to smithereens, never to bite, suck your blood again or cause sleepless nights. Bensouda stands before the social media court of justice and last resort accused of being a dangerous exterminator after promising to come after other politicians when she is finished with Ruto and Sang.
Those Bensouda may come after for extermination purposes include alleged Ruto accomplices Jackson Kibor, Farouk Kibet (Mr Ruto's long-term personal aide), Christopher Kitino Kisorio, John K. Tanui, Isaac Maiyo, another Isaac Maayio who has since passed on, Samuel Ruto, Solomon Tirop, Lucas Sang', former Mt Elgon MP Fred Kapondi, Stephen Chemalan among others.
Bensouda has accused former Kanu power broker Mark Too of involvement in the Kiambaa church attack during the PEV that saw over 35 women and children die while seeking refuge.
On social media, all of Bensouda's witnesses have been declared fake and greedy, good for nothing shenzi (foolish) economic hyenas whose main motive was relocating to green pastures to live abroad and eat cold weather, cheese and chips instead of ugali (corn meal paste). Those who allegedly know the real witnesses have come up and offered to go to The Hague, but Bensouda's blind pursuit of the wrong suspects gives her a verdict of being an incredible and unreliable prosecutor. Verdict: she is playing politics and has turned the ICC into a kangaroo and political court.
Bensouda is also accused of having a hidden agenda, similar to terrorism. She has been declared Kenya's greatest security threat after sending her agents like ICC outreach coordinator, Maria Kamara, to Eldoret to hold secret and dangerous meetings and interfere with the healing process. An 'idle' Kamara, camouflaged like a green chameleon among Rift Valley tea zone, was recently cited by the hawk-eyed Uasin Gishu Governor, Jackson Mandago, while allegedly holding secret meetings with a local NGO in Ruto's backyard. Kamara denied having been in Eldoret in the past two years.
It has been alleged on social media that Bensouda has further committed treason by threatening the office of the president of the Republic of Kenya (PORK) by claiming that she can still revive sitting President Uhuru Kenyatta's case as soon as she gets enough evidence. This implies her intent to give President Uhuru Kenyatta sleepless nights so that he loses focus in his ability to run the country. According to the same sources, it is obvious by her "unacceptable" behaviour that Bensouda is deliberately hanging the sword of Damocles over Uhuru's head because she does not want Uhuru to win the 2017 elections. Religious social media judges have declared that God will take over Bensouda's powers and mete divine justice over The Hague trials.
These trials on social media have been characterised by among other features: hallucinations, depression, lamentations and insults, malice and threats.
Hallucination signs among believers of justice can easily be identified by those who sometimes believe they are Judge Osuji. They demand that Ruto must be hanged or that Sang should be released.
Some Kenyans on social media have already declared that Ruto will be jailed for 50 years, while Sang will be set free because he has already served most of his term by staying indefinitely in The Hague. Some have already declared Ruto innocent. Hallucinations have also seen some Kenyans turn opposition leader Raila Odinga into an imaginary suspect in The Hague, tried him and passed a sentence of 'guilty' for calling for mass action. Kibaki on equal note has been declared guilty of 'stealing elections', thus causing thousands of deaths.
Some people already believe they are prosecutors and others defence lawyers and are telling the ICC court what they must or should not do. Some believe that they have the powers to stop the ICC trials dead on its trail either through invoking the name of God, their ancestor or by threatening that the whole country will go into war and see a violence that has never been seen before in the history of the country if Ruto or Sang is jailed.
Our learned friends on social media are done with the case. Case closed.
Omwa Ombara is the pseudonym of an international journalist and author.