18 June 2017

Uganda: Museveni Values Me, I'm Now Closer to Being a Minister - Lubwama

Photo: Daily Monitor
Ugandan MP Kato Lubwama.
column

Satire — This week in the lawmakers' WhatsApp chat group, Lubwama defends his Hero's Day medal while Abiriga has to fend off a barrage from MPs.

Lokodo: Eh, this Apaa land issue!

Okupa: I am just glad Otto is not here to cry.

Mpuuga: Why would he cry here?

Ecweru: You don't wanna know.

Munyagwa: Now a grandpa like Ecweru is also speaking in that American accented way?

Ecweru: What has age got to do with speech?

Tumwebaze: [Posts picture of the president shaking hands with Lubwama on Heroes Day]. You see? Behave and you will partake in the blessings. Brother Lubwama has been recognised.

Lubwama: Tell them.

Katuntu: Well, I saw a picture of the president watering a tree in the rain. And then I saw this one of Lubwama receiving a hero's medal.

Anite: So what?

Katuntu: And I saw irrationality written all over.

Fungaroo: Touche!

Lubwama: Haters! Like I said before, the president did not give me this medal because of politics. It was in recognition of what I have contributed to this country through acting comedy.

Franca: I need to meet Gen Tumwine to find out how a comedian becomes a hero.

Tumwebaze: There are various categories of heroes.

Lubwama: [Sends close up picture of his medal]

Katuntu: They say a dog that can't find meat will eventually settle for vegetables.

Anite: Per chance, is Katuntu a Yoruba?

Lubwama: What is a Yoruba? I just see a bitter man in his words. He is jealousy.

Franca: That has to be jealous, Lubwama.

Lubwama: Makes no difference.

Abiriga: @Katuntu, just what is this about dog and vegetables instead of borns?

Franca: Bones*

Abiriga: Woman, last warning or else...

Fungaroo: It means that Museveni has failed to find any more useful things to do; now he is settling for...

Lubwama: So this man is calling me a dog?

Tumwebaze: @Katuntu, I like your wise sayings but I think you can't call the president a dog.

Mpuuga: Look here, what he means is that the revolution has lost meaning so much that all the revolutionary is left with is rewarding some nonstarters like Lubwama.

Nsereko: I don't even want to talk about this. Has Alex Mukulu got any medal by the way?

Lubwama: You guys will be fine. The president values me; I'm now closer to being named a minister. Wait and see. Hard work pays.

Otafiire: The last comedian to covet a ministerial posting was some former mayor. He ended up in 'Fort Portal' or something like that.

Ecweru: Poor 'minister without Fort Portal'.

Lubwama: So what has that got to do with me?

Munyagwa: If you want a ministerial job, you will get it but remember you have to be vetted. It is during vetting that you will be hounded out for not knowing the difference between jealous and jealousy.

Franca: And I dare add here that it is for such reasons that Abiriga who calls what a dog eats 'borns' is not a minister.

Abiriga: I don't know how many times I have to warn you.

Mpuuga: @Lubwama, pay a visit to Seya wherever he is holed up and talk like DP men. Use Luganda for clarity so you understand each other perfectly well. Then you can dream on.

Okupa: How did we arrive at this juncture where we even inflate the National Budget just to provide a donation hamper to the president?

Fungaroo: I read somewhere on Facebook someone joke that one day we shall see ferries docking around the country when foreign human traffickers have come to pick people they already bought from this government.

Nsereko: Haha, that is brutal.

Franca: Shs500 billion inflated and there is that donation kitty. I can imagine Lubwama wanting to be minister in charge of Presidential Donations.

Fungaroo: Ah Franca, don't give these thieves the wrong idea. He might just do that and that will be one more burden of a useless minister upon taxpayers.

Ecweru: He is not on this forum.

Munyagwa: Tumwebaze, Anite and Abiriga are.

Ecweru: But Abiriga only knows how to wear yellow.

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