Greetings from some expensive hotel in South Africa. I am currently stuck in this country simply because I decided to discipline some uncouth girls who were trying to seduce my two young innocent boys.
I am aware of the anguish that most of you have experienced given the lack of information surrounding my movements.
I know Cdes Chipanga, Jonso and Tyson are already planning a series of "Welcome back Dr Amai" rallies, which will be held in every district.
Dread Patrick was telling me how all of you are ready to march to the Beitbridge border to demand my release.
Don't worry as South Africa has become a shining example of a truly independent African country.
Since they became a democracy, whatever that means, things like corruption have become normal.
When President Bashir of Sudan was facing arrest for crimes against humanity, the authorities looked the other way, while he escaped.
Actually, they facilitated his escape!
I was born here to start with, Benoni to be exact, as Ntombizodwa, so I can press a few buttons.
We may have to grease a few palms with dollars. Some racist organisations in this country are already agitating for disharmony as if there is anything wrong with a violent Fist Lady using extension cords to bludgeon some innocent young woman.
Blood on the floor!
There I was minding my own business. I had a lot on my mind. The Boys or Boyz dzeSmoko had been stressing me a lot.
After being evicted from Dubai, their lifestyle had become a threat to their continued stay in Mzansi.
The wild partying, womanising and failure to attend lectures was causing me sleepless nights.
All this must be blamed on that MDC pastor who cursed the first family following the occupation of the Mazowe valley, resulting in ordinary peasants being made homeless and destitute.
But back to the blood on the floor issue. After buying a few houses in upmarket areas in South Africa as a form of therapy, I decided to visit Boyz dzeSmoko.
Truth of the matter was that I had gone to buy some houses which can always come in handy when we are now being ruled from the grave by Bhobho.
Of course, all that has been compromised by my ally cat antics.
You can imagine my anger when I discovered some young South African girls trying to seduce my young innocent boys and trying to teach them adult things.
The extension cord is a tried and tested weapon of torture.
The Green Bombers use it effectively. Except in addition, they set pieces of plastic on fire and let it drip on victims.
With blood frothing in my mouth, I went towards those uncultured girls, enjoying the delicious sounds of screaming and splitting scalps until the room looked like the Limpopo -- flowing with blood.
Exporting violence to South Africa
It felt so different from home. Back home I berate and humiliate vice-presidents. I make people like Joji stand up in public and humiliate them. Actually, as a spokesman for Bhobho, humiliating him was like humiliating Bhobho. But I don't care. Bhobho was sleeping most of the time.
So can you imagine the trauma when I was made to explain why I had allowed my violent tendencies to come out. You don't treat your Fist Ladies like that.
Poisoned food, food poisoning and stale food
Will somebody please explain to the country just what it is that affected Ngwena at the Gwanda rally.
Was it poisoned food? Food poisoning? Or stale food as we are beginning to hear now? Is it true that milkshakes or ice-cream (ice killhim) manufactured by a loss-making family dairy entity was responsible for Ngwena's troubles?
Why were the provider of ice-cream suddenly withdrawn from supplying fellow comrades on Heroes Day commemorations? I suppose most of that is nothing other than good old coincidence.
As of Friday, over two million Zimbabweans were suspected to be in South Africa, including their president, his wife, children and vice-president. Jacob Mafume said the president had created a country in which his family was reluctant to stay in. How treasonous.
Dr Amai Fist Lady PhD