The Slay Queen phenomenon has been with us for the most part of 2017. Never mind the misuse of the phrase.
We like to demonise them. And for a good reason. Queens of slay do practically all the dirty work there is to do in life. And for them, goofing is effortless.
While a slay queen is a slay queen anywhere in the world, blunt differences exist between these species of humans in different geographical zones.
A Kenyan slay queen is different from, say, her equivalent in Nigeria. If you think slay queens in Nairobi are bad ass, the Nigerian version are a different kettle of fish.
This is why.
Most Nigerian queens are urban sophisticates, or so they appear. Not their Kenyan counterparts.
I met your typical Nairobi slayer a few weeks back. Outwardly, she looked pretty dainty.
A quick date was fixed.
Wait until we placed our orders at a city bistro a coupla evenings after. She wrested from me the honey for my ginger tea and added it to her ice cream.
Jaws dropped in dismay all over the establishment.
But that was nothing. She held her cutlery as though it were jelly.
In one instance, the poor thing stabbed a courgette and missed it. The darn zucchini skidded from her plate and flew through the window before tripping a sedan car that happened to be passing by.
I was slighted. And I did what any sane man in the circumstances would do: excused myself to use the bathroom and, yes, pilfered away.
Whereas the Nigerian brand of slay queens has oodles of dough, our baronesses, on the other hand, are so low-powered they keep bugging whoever may care to tide them over.
Nigeria's are career ladies, wheeler dealers or oil mega entrepreneurs. Kenyan slay queens and broke are chums.
Ironically, they would stash 25, 000 in beer bottles, (which is a lot of moolah for folks who are perpetually low on gas) then ask you for Sh250 for a cab home.
There is hardly much to say about the brainpower of Nigerian slay queens, but nothing gives the willies to a Kenyan slay queen than the serious subject of intellect.
Drag books into your banter and she will greet the shift of subject with a theatrical expression of horror and discomfiture.
FEARLESS AND RICH
A Nigerian queen is fearless and rich in ideas. Even with her half-sophistication, she will host a TV show, run her YouTube channel or start a magazine.
The content is mediocre, obviously. But she is bold, at least.
Down here, the most worthwhile thing our "queens" can do is make clown comments about other people's content.
A Kenyan slay queen is an easy get, if you know what I mean. After a first date, she will be obliged to come with you to your crib.
You will be very lucky to go home unscathed after spending time with your Nigerian squeeze.
Why do you think there are so many Nigerian stallions in town?
Whereas a Nigerian date will arrive at the rendezvous on time, a Kenyan slay queen will stand you up big time on a date. Infamous excuses they give include 'my phone broke down', 'traffic was mad' or 'I lost my keys'. The things men hear in this country!
A Nigerian queen is as cocky as they come. If she has the hots for you, she will ask you at the drop of a hat. Blatantly. Guts.
Come to Kenya and the missy you sit next to in a bus to town and who crushes on will sheepishly ogle and drool at you throughout the trip. All the while her derriere will be fluttering in her seat. Except she won't say a word. Esteem issues.
LIKE THEM OR HATE THEM
Some of our women are lazy, but slay queens take the cake.
Slay queens are a spectacle during marathons in Kenya. Their manner of participation though is baffling. After running for a kilometre, she will drop puffing like a python in dire need of resuscitation.
The best contribution a Kenyan slay queen can make to sports is to cheer, asking puerile questions that you all know about.
Your Nigerian babe, on the other hand, could run from Enugu to Maiduguri and not show it. The beefy chicks you see during athletics championships? Those.
You will see them in Russia whooping themselves hoarse, pirouetting and cheering the Super Eagles during the World Cup.
Slay queens from the west of Africa are proud of who they are.
Back in 254 though, no slay queen accepts her identity. Not even when 'slay queen' is carved on her brow.
Like them or hate them, slay queens keep us on the edge of our seats. They make life online an ounce more flavourful, don't they?
For all slay queens out there, keep slaying. There is infinite room to perfect this knack.
Only a true slay queen will be offended after reading this.