19 August 2018

Zimbabwe: Welcome, Mr Dali Mpofu

Photo: The Standard
Dali Mpofu
Blog

My People,

Greetings from the Blue Roof.

I am sure with each passing day, you do realise that since Gushungo was removed from power via a violent and illegal coup, things have become worse in the country.

Around 10 Zimbabweans were shot dead by soldiers in cold blood.

During the time of Gushungo, demonstrations were dealt with by police using non-lethal control mechanisms such as water canons and teargas.

Even the war veterans will confirm that when the spirit of rebellion had seized them, they were calmed down through a good old drenching using water cannons while teargas was added to spice up their day.

At least no Zimbabwean lives were lost.

No Zimbabwean lives were lost in a political contestation.

Before he could be sworn in, ED's administration had already overseen the death of its compatriots. How can people enjoy stepping over dead bodies in order to get to State House?

A word for Lizard Dhakisi

While you are the president-elect, or if you are confirmed as president, there are a few basic things that go with that office, which you seem to be ignoring with wanton abandon.

For example, it is unpardonable for you to be heard sniffing like a street urchin, something that you seem to do on a regular basis.

Vulgar conduct like wiping your nose with your hand should have been outgrown by 10 years.

A handkerchief or tissues should always be on standby so that one can discreetly blow one's nose.

I do hope your handlers, including Oxiria, are following this discussion.

My only worry is that matters that require class, sophistication and decorum may be too deep for some of them, including you Lizard, to contemplate or fathom.

Another thing: you need to improve your conduct from the politician who was walloped by Blessing Chebundo in Kwekwe to a sophisticated statesman.

I know that is something almost impossible to imagine for you, but you could start by surrounding yourself with class, something which is glaringly lacking in your entourage.

One example of poor statesmanship is the way you have failed to rise above petty political squabbles to unite Zimbabweans.

Following the unfortunate massacre of innocent Zimbabweans on August 1 by soldiers, you missed a golden opportunity to assume the role of a father figure.

Instead of acknowledging the tragedy and saying all the right things, you chose the blame game, and accused the opposition of causing the deaths and injuries of fellow Zimbabweans.

Too cheap. An apology would have worked wonders. But you don't do apologies, right? Like you have refused before a global audience to apologise for Gukurahundi?

Just who are your real advisors and what are they telling you?

Comrade Munya Mangwana and Cde Christopher?

Or Dr Shenanigans is your chief advisor/instructor?

When the military stage a coup and invite a defeated politician to lead on their behalf, it can be a tricky terrain to navigate.

Chamisa and ED

Just before the July 30 elections, we saw ED and his party import millions of t-shirts, caps and other regalia. This also included vehicles which had been painted with ED and his party colours and messages.

The feeling was most of those millions could have been spent on local businesses to give them a lift, given that we have been lying to the world that Zimbabwe is open for business when it clearly is not.

That was not shocking because that is how things are done in the kingdom of ED.

Young Nelson Chamisa is already learning fast and proving to all that when in leadership, a strong leader should exhibit his strength by displaying a voracious appetite for all things foreign like all other African leaders.

It was, therefore, quite reassuring to see the young leader exhibit real African leadership skills by roping in foreign experts ahead of locals in his bid to secure power.

He obviously realises that you cannot gamble with semi-literate lawyers who were educated in Zimbabwe's rundown universities where degrees can be bought over the counter.

News reaching the Blue Roof mansion is that the number of foreigners in little Chamisa's entourage includes South Africans, Zambians and Kenyans.

Bring Dali Mpofu to Blue Roof

Among the legal experts imported by the little man is one Person of Interest: Mr Dali Mpofu.

I would like to interview him about a few stories that are refusing to go away.

I doubt if our media has an idea that this is the young man who was allegedly the "small house" or Ben 10 of the late and great Mama Winnie.

So we will await a courtesy call from Dali at Blue Roof.

Overhead in Moscow last week

Dr Shenanigans was in Moscow, Russia, last week where he was supposed to have met Vladimir Putin. As patriotic Zimbabweans, we have been wondering what was said in those meetings. We are happy to give you the first tidbits.

"Mr Vhuradhimiya, dondi riseni to mud piporo in oppozisheni. Everything is ororight in my kandiri. The chaos is in the heads of mud piporo. Prepare for inaguresheni nekisti weak. The MDC is causing pubrik cha-cha-chandaizement rizaruting in derays of naguresheni. This boy Chamisa is simingry causing us siripiress nights in our revorusheni party.

Preese herupu Mr Vhuradhimiya."

Gire Woyee!

Gushungo woyee!

Dr Amai Stopit! PhD (Fake)

More on This

SA Legal Heavyweights Land in Harare in Court Bid to Challenge Mnangagwa's Win

South African legal heavyweights, advocates Dali Mpofu and Tembeka Ngcukaitobi, have touched down in Harare to prepare… Read more »

See What Everyone is Watching

Copyright © 2018 Zimbabwe Standard. All rights reserved. Distributed by AllAfrica Global Media (allAfrica.com). To contact the copyright holder directly for corrections — or for permission to republish or make other authorized use of this material, click here.

AllAfrica publishes around 600 reports a day from more than 140 news organizations and over 500 other institutions and individuals, representing a diversity of positions on every topic. We publish news and views ranging from vigorous opponents of governments to government publications and spokespersons. Publishers named above each report are responsible for their own content, which AllAfrica does not have the legal right to edit or correct.

Articles and commentaries that identify allAfrica.com as the publisher are produced or commissioned by AllAfrica. To address comments or complaints, please Contact us.