There is a Nigerian man who lives on the second floor of an apartment next-door.
His name is Ogenugu. Whenever he has to make a phone call, he doesn't do it in the privacy of his house. He steps out to the balcony while wearing a vest and a towel.
He does this several times a day. And the towel is always there, wrapped around his waist loosely and always threatening to fall off like spaghetti on a spoon.
How many showers does he take kwani? He must be the reason there are water problems in Nairobi.
Sometimes he is usually shirtless like Mr Flavour. The abs on his abdomen are well-defined. Alongside The Great Wall of China, they are the only man-made structures that are visible from space. No kidding. Those cubes are structures, literally, and if my short-sighted eyes can see them from far, they must be visible from space too. I have to give him credit there.
But that's where the praise for Ogenugu reaches a cul-de-sac. Every other thing about him screams other things.
Whenever he steps out with his I-Phone, he usually goes ahead to broadcast his business in fluent Pidgin English to everyone with an eardrum. When he is not talking about money, he is talking to his mum.
"Momiii! (mummy), I told you I go come back to Lagos soon, don't worry. I love you momiii."
Plenty of people are eagerly waiting for him to go back to Lagos but it isn't happening soon enough.
His morning phone calls have become our unwanted alarm. Every morning at 5:30, he is out on the balcony, talking to 'Momiii.'
I normally wake up at 5:45 am, so it's a big crime for anyone to wake me up at 5:30. Those fifteen minutes of sleep mean a lot. They can be the difference on whether I'll dream about Ariana Grande or not.
How can someone be that loud?
The other day, he was standing with a beautiful woman on the balcony. They were both holding glasses of champagne and smiling endlessly. To everyone's shock, they began to kiss. Everyone was pointing up like Superman was passing.
It's a bird. No, it's a plane. No, it's Ogenegu kissing!
Well, even the 'woke' ones like me weren't impressed. It was 4 pm for Christ's sake. Kids were even coming back home from school.
Africans have copied plenty of western practices but kissing in public is a practice that the majority of us have resisted.
Disgust could be registered on everyone's face.
RUSHED BACK TO THE HOUSE
You should have seen how Mama John covered her face. She is the most religious person in our apartment block.
She rushed back to her house as she called for fire and brimstone to rain on the Nigerian brother's house. I bet she even called the Immigration office to come and check if the fella is in the country legally.
Ogenugu also holds parties in his house from Fridays to Sundays. His place is a mini-Ibiza. Worse still, his partners-in-shouting, aka fellow Nigerians are usually invited. Some come all the way from Roysambu and South B. It's like a crusade with several pastors.
It's too much ooh!
I haven't mentioned his penchant for loud music. I used to love Davido's songs but now I hate them because Ogenugu plays them all the time. I feel like Davido is now residing in my head. Whenever I see a short person with a round head, I see Davido.
He has also abused Mbosso's songs too. Just as you are about to place your head on the bed, you are hit with the Wasafi star's iconic words, "Salamu, ulizonitumiaaaa, zimenifikiaaaa. Niko salama hata usijlai! Nimekusahauuu. Nakumbuka tu yako jina!"
Nigerians have often been accused of involving themselves in questionable business deals. However, Ogenugu is said to be 100% legit. He is not one of those conmen or scammers. He has a senior position in an NGO.
This has created a problem. Ladies absolutely love him. Word has spread around the hood that there is a legit, moneyed Nigerian around. Now every young lady with dreams of nuptials with a TDH (tall, dark and handsome) man from West Africa is now trying to get place herself on Ogenugu's radar. They all show up to his parties, causing his house to be packed like Huduma Namba registration centres.
The other day, there was an all-out war as a man went to pick his girlfriend from Ogenugu's house. This story came from Kilonzo, one of our watchmen. Kilonzo is a very credible news source. None of his stories have ever been discovered to be false. Al Jazeera should give him a job as a correspondent for South-Saharan Africa.
Apparently, the angry man tried beating Ogenugu but Ogenugu beat him instead. I guess this is what Chinua Achebe really meant when he said "Things fall apart."
My friend Nick recently decided to go through the Instagram account of his hood crush and regretted it. He saw a picture of the lady drinking Johnnie Walker with Ogenugu at a club.
Nick hasn't been the same since. He is heartbroken. Poor Nick.
Momiiii. Come get your son Ogenugu. He is causing us trouble ooh.
Those wishing for Ogenugu to be evicted have been hit with some bad news just today morning. According to Kilonzo, this can't happen because Ogenugu has paid rent for three months in advance. Apparently, his landlord's daughter also has a crush on him.
Who will save us from Ogenugu?