There are always red flags. Almost every time. Things feel wrong and even though you can not trace where exactly, it feels like it shouldn’t be this way and it’s not normal. Abuse is not normal. It never starts as abuse and what was once love can disintegrate into a former shadow of love, one you cannot understand.
The important thing is to be able to pinpoint where exactly it feels wrong, signs of an abuser and how to tell an abuser. Last month, we had an event on Self Care After Trauma with Counselor Rebecca Wamwene, moderated by Pinky Ghelani.
Abusers maintain control over their victims by psychologically and emotionally reigning in on them. They have attachment problems and might show signs like wanting to know where you are every time of the day, snooping on your phones and gadgets or continuously ignore any personal boundaries you have in place.
This excessive contact and control keeps you hooked as it can be mistaken as love when essentially they’re keeping tabs on you. Later, they withhold this affection from you as a form of emotional blackmail to get you to compromise on key decisions.
An abusive person can have dramatic tendencies, where they’re okay now and blow up later. There’s no constant with them. If they’re not already abusive, they’re headed to an abusive state.
Insecurity and The Need To Domesticate You
When a person is suffering from a lot of insecurity, they might try to domesticate you, and use you to fill the void they feel. In this case you’re their source of happiness, and so you should act or perform in a way that completes them.
Understand that we can never truly be anyone’s source of happiness and it’s a big burden to place on someone, however, we can complement their happiness.
Shahida Arabi, a best selling Amazon Author in Personality Disorders has written a very conclusive article of abuse and how to deal with it that In suggest you read after this article.
Although people show tendencies towards a certain disorder, we should not be quick to label them. It’s important for us to understand them, what we’re going through, read about what’s happening to us and attend sessions like these that empower us with knowledge.
If you are going through abuse or you know a person going through abuse, the Gender-Based Violence-free hotline is 1195. Furthermore, if you would like to join a community of women healing from abuse, WhatsApp +254736275978.