By now, the entire nation is aware of the folly of appointing a retired club DJ to be the man in charge of a whole country's healthcare system.It should have been obvious to any self-respecting leader. Yet, here we are. DJ Biscuit is still running our hospitals like a cheap disco.
Each time they reel out Health minister Obadiah Moyo on to ZBC TV, the country's favourite and only television station, the entire nation loses one more chunk of confidence in the leadership of the country, if any confidence remains at all. The fellow always has the face of a man sinking in a pond, clueless about how to swim to safety.
First, he lied to the entire nation that Wilkins was "100% ready" to receive patients. It took the tragic passing of one talented youngster to show up the lies. But did he stop lying? No.
Apparently, we hear, he even carried his fibs into Cabinet, where he told everyone that things were under control.
Now, President Emmerson Mnangagwa has since taken him off duty and appointed a task force led by Vice-President Kembo Mohadi to do his job. You know you are bad at your job when they ask colourless Kembo to do it for you. He is not known for hard work, unless it involves swinging axes and so forth.
Muckraker was delighted to read that spreading fake news about the coronavirus is now an offence punishable by massive fines or jail, or both.
This is good news. It means those who told the world that the virus is some punishment from God for sanctions will soon be marched in single file into Chikurubi for spreading falsehoods.
There will also be jail for those who told the nation that all is well in our hospitals. Seeing as the jails have recently been emptied of old criminals, they should be cleaned up for new ones.
According to the regulations, anyone who tells lies "shall be liable for prosecution under section 31 of the Criminal Law Code and liable to the penalty there provided, that is to say a fine up to or exceeding level 14 or imprisonment for a period not exceeding 20 years or both."We support all regulations against fake news. We hope it also applies to ministers who have fake qualifications.
In times like these, who does a nation look to for guidance and leadership? Is it the President? No. Since when does he get bothered by small things like death? We look, instead, to the Mother of the Nation.
She appeared, yet again, in The Herald. The paper's headline declared: First Lady to help Govt fight coronavirus.
"The First Lady is the country's health ambassador," The Herald dutifully reminded any doubters who may have started wondering whether she had suddenly acquired a PhD in epidemiology, so soon after she had acquired that bus driver's licence.
"As the mother of the nation, you have to deal with a lot of pressure over this disease. How are you managing?" The Herald's Chief First Lady Reporter asked her.
Of course, in this national crisis, in which we face possible mass illness and deaths, a reporter's biggest worry is how the First Lady of the country is doing.
Of course, as always, she had a solution.
"I implore women to have a look at the biblical story of Mary the mother of Jesus who went with other women to the tomb only to find it open. She cried a lot. We should do the same and wail for the good health of the nation," she said.
Scientists around the world need to take heed. Stop all your medical research and treatments. Stop spending billions on health. The solution to coronavirus has been found. Just wail.
Meanwhile, because of the coronavirus outbreak, the country's leaders continue to make shocking discoveries. One such discovery was local hospitals. It seems to be something our leaders had never heard of.
Suddenly, there is a scramble to equip hospitals with basic things: such as beds, doctors and nurses, medication and basic equipment.
Before borders all over the world were closed, any complaints about such things were dismissed as unpatriotic. When professional doctors complained, they were described as "labourers" by the country's Chief Liberator, who flies off in a private jet to well-equipped Chinese hospitals each time his foot itches.
We now see a rush to even set up local private hospitals for the elite.
God forbid they be found lying on a spring bed at the Beatrice Infectious Disease Hospital, right next to the unwashed masses of Mbare! We cannot have that.
Surely, if our leaders are to fall ill, they deserve to get indisposed as far away from the povo as possible. We cannot have the Mbare povo coughing into the faces of our illustrious liberators.
The entire nation was in shock this week after the bench ruled against Nelson Chamisa, after he appealed to the Supreme Court against a High Court ruling in favour of the massively popular Thokozani Khupe.
The shock was not that a court ruled against Chamisa. Even punters in Muckraker's favourite beer-soaked betting shops down there on Kaguvi would not raise an eyebrow.
The shock was that the courts were open at all, when all of us have been told by the current owner of the land to go home and stay there.
Recently, Chief Justice Luke Malaba released a statement saying the courts would not handle "non-urgent hearings" and these must be postponed for two months. Only urgent matters such as bail and initial remand hearings would be heard. Even weddings were postponed.
Somehow, it was still decided that Khupe's struggle to become Chamisa was a most urgent matter. What was the rush? Was she on some tight schedule to go feeding the fish at Mnangagwa's farm again?
All the courts managed to do was to bore the country to death. We suddenly stopped talking about coronavirus, and went back to our favourite pastime: talking politics.
One wonders what will kill us first: the virus, or our endless obsession with pointless politics.