THIS week, the nation was still trying to digest some really confusing news that came out of the ruining Zanu PF last week.
"Zanu PF declares war on economic saboteurs", The Herald screamed.
In the streets, people wondered why, suddenly, Zanu PF had declared war on itself. The only economic saboteurs that the masses know are those that meet in dark rooms to allocate each other million-dollar contracts, use tax dollars to hire jets and buy big cars.
Who else is an economic saboteur, save for those who wake up each morning asking themselves: how much more damage can I do to the people today? How can I make people's lives more miserable than they were yesterday?
Those are the saboteurs the people know. This is why there was much confusion as to why our rulers would declare war on themselves.
We were all pleased to watch President Emmerson Mnangagwa on ZBC-TV, frothing at the mouth as he spoke angrily against "elite opportunists".
Surely, this was good news, Muckraker thought. It is always good when a country's leader comes out in the open to talk about his family and friends. For, is there a more aggressive lot of "elite opportunists" in the country right now?
One wonders how the rest of the politburo reacted to that speech, when the cameras had been finally turned off. We can only imagine they all started congratulating their owner for being so honest and frank about the source of the problems. At least now they will go back to their increasingly restive constituents and finally tell them that the "elite opportunists" are now known.
There was more good news this week, as the government finally discovered the cure for corruption.
Many attempts have been made on how to deal with this menace. We saw anti-corruption courts being opened all across the country. It did not work. Then we saw some money-laundering laws being enacted. That also did not work. There were more laws, from asset forfeiture to laws that increase parastatal transparency.
We even went to the extent of firing the entire Zimbabwe Anti-Corruption Commission. We appointed a judge, well-known for her no-nonsense approach in court, to lead it. That she happened to be the wife of a cabinet minister was neither here nor there. All these steps failed.
This week, the search ended. The solution, it was revealed, lies in praying to the heavens to exorcise our demons. And so, we called in pastors, n'angas and all sorts of religious leaders to State House.
Obviously, the choice of venue was appropriate. Does the Bible in the book of Matthew not tell us that demons that have been cast out always want to "return to my house from which I came"?
Well done to those pastors. A good exorcism must always start at source.
In the phallus-shaped monstrosity masquerading as a reserve bank, the circus continued. It appears someone has recently discovered a new toy, and they will not stop playing with it. This particular one is the Financial Intelligence Unit (FIU).
Over recent months, this unit has fought everyone from mobile money providers, banks and even Old Mutual shares. All in a bid, we were told, to catch the saboteurs messing with the strongest currency in the region. This time, the FIU decided to go after the source of all the problems: WhatsApp.
"The FIU, in collaboration with the police, banks, mobile money-mobile phone service providers and relevant regulatory agencies has embarked on an exercise to identify and take action against individuals who create, advertise on or participate (actively or passively) in WhatsApp groups or other platforms for illegal foreign currency trading," said the unit.
This must be the first time on record, anywhere in the world, where WhatsApp has been implicated in a currency crisis. We wonder what next to expect from the FIU. We will not be surprised if they blame the cold weather.
What we know, for now, is that the "intelligence" in the FIU's name is actually silent.
What a reason!
We wish to congratulate Harare magistrate Bianca Makwande for coming up with one of the most innovative reasons for denying someone bail.
Makwande, denying bail to the three MDC activists being charged for faking their abduction, agreed with the prosecution that the alleged abduction and torture of the three had caused "negative publicity against the country", and hurt the economy.
What a landmark ruling. We are sure that, after the trio was denied bail, there will no longer be any negative publicity on the country. Most importantly, the country's economy will miraculously recover.
Meanwhile, the circus that is the opposition remained in full flow, providing necessary entertainment in these dark times.
We saw Thokozani Khupe and her coterie finally making their way into Morgan Tsvangirai House, where they held a comical press conference. Khupe declared she now "owned" over 100 MPs.
"The MDC-T you know is here today," said Khupe.
This, too, is likely to confuse the masses. Which MDC, exactly, is this MDC that she says the people know? The MDC formed in 1999 or the MDC which came after the split in 2005? Is it Job Sikhala's MDC 99, or Tendai Biti's People's Democratic Party? Or is it Elton Mangoma's Renewal Democrats? Or is it the MDC-Alliance? Some of us have lost count.
One thing for sure, though, is that the one MDC-T that people know is the one that virtually nobody voted for in 2018, but now claims to have more than 100 MPs. It must surely be a party of magicians; get rejected by voters, but somehow still conjure up votes from the grave.