A public invective at the African Union heads of state panel (By Laurent Gbagbo, rightful ruler of South Ivory Coast):
Jamais! I'll have the same thing Kibaki and Mugabe are having, thank you very much.
Just as I thought we were beginning to establish the loser-takes-half (a.k.a unity government, a.k.a power-sharing, a.k.a one-man-no-chop) electoral system as home-grown African democracy, you allow the Western imperialists to change your minds. Cowards! Lâ ches! (Jacob Zuma excluded—now, that's a man.)
My brothers, their ways are not our ways and we Africans are tired of imperialists imposing their ways upon us. It has taken them thousands of years to reach this, their—clear my throat and spit— "democracy." What we are saying is give us time. Let's do it small small, un peu un peu. We are saying let us begin with half-half—the African way.
My brothers, the loser-takes-half system is working; give it time. You did the right thing in the beginning by sending my brother Odinga to mediate. (By the way, mediate is from the Latin word mediari: divide in the middle.) I said to myself that is the man who is piloting the loser-takes-half system in the east; there is hope. Of course my brother Tsvangirai too is leading (maybe following) the way in the south. Now we in the west also want to get the…how do they call it again?...lessons learned…yes. Yes, south-south cooperation.
For the sake of the undemocratized, there are two emerging models of the loser-takes-half system:
The Kibaki Method:
1. If you see you may lose an election, get yourself sworn in as president as fast as possible.
2. Appoint all the key positions.
3. Go to the negotiating table and show how generous you are by agreeing to share power.
The Mugabe method:
1. Accept that the opposition candidate got more votes, but not the absolute majority, so you need a second round.
2. Beat your opponent's supporters so much that they will not, or physically cannot, vote in the second round.
3. Get yourself sworn in as president.
4. Revert to steps 2 and 3 of the Kibaki Method.
In Ivory Coast, we have done the…how do they call it again?...innovation…yes.
Yes, hybrid system:
1. If your opponent is declared winner, go ahead and get yourself sworn in as president anyway.
2. Be strong against international pressure.
3. Brutalize your opponent's supporters so that the whole world is scared of a humanitarian disaster, your neighbors to the west are scared of another war and your neighbors to the east are so scared of a refugee situation in their new oil-producing area (oh, lucky they) that they oppose any military intervention. (If you fear God, he will even bless you with a tsunami far, far away and a mad man in the desert.)
4. Call journalists terrorists and threaten to punish them accordingly.
5. Revert to steps 2 and 3 of the Kibaki Method.
Sign up for free AllAfrica Newsletters
Get the latest in African news delivered straight to your inbox
You see, under the loser-takes-half system, it's not about who won the election; it's about who is sworn in as president. You don't even have to stand for election to be offered half; look at Rajoelina in Madagscar. If all else fails, you can always depend on the Russians, Chinese and the South Africans.
We Ivorians have introduced another..un moment…innovation: If it is not possible to share the government, share the country. Besides, that Burkinabe—lick my teeth, clear my throat and spit—Outtara is only half-Ivorian anyway so it is only fair that he gets half of the country. If he wants another half, he can go and get half of Burkina Faso, non?
The only way we can really have sustainable democracy in Africa is if we develop African solutions for African problems, so we have taken this their— chew kola, lick my teeth, clear my throat and spit—"democracy" and we have adapted it to the African culture. What the imperialists don't know is that in Africa we like to share. We share food and land, so why not votes? If your votes are too many, give somebody too some. Outtara had 500,000 votes too many—that's a greedy man—so we took some. C'est fini.
So I'm telling you I will never go! If you are men, come and show me your manhood (Jacob Zuma excluded). This is my contribution to the African democracy. I pray that some day after I'm gone, we will make the full transition to a loser-takes-all system. That will be progress, n'est-ce pas?
